DULLER        ^ 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  BILL  TO  MABLE 


Love  Letters  of 
Bill  to  Mable 

Comprising 

'^cumz  oU BaM.jiA  mm*' 

By 

Lieut,  Edward  Streeter 

WITH  87  ILLUSTRATIONS  IN  BLACK-AND-WHITE  BY 

G.  fFilliatn  Breck 

{"Bill  Breck") 


New  York 

Frederick  A.  Stokes  Company 

Publishers 


Copyright,  1918,  igig,  by 
Frederick  A.  Stokes  Company 

All  rights  reserved 


SANTA  BARBARA 


DEDICATION 

To  a  million  Private  Bills  who  have 
suddenly  learnt  to  call  a  coat  a  blouse. 
Taking  things  as  they  find  them. 
Vaguely  understanding.  Caring  less. 
Grumbling  by  custom.  Cheerful  by  na- 
ture. Ever  anxious  to  be  where  they 
are  not.  Ever  anxious  to  be  somewhere 
else  when  they  get  there.  Without 
thought  of  sacrifice.  Who  have  left  the 
flag-waving  to  those  at  home.  Who 
serve  as  a  matter  of  course. 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 


Mable 


Frontispiece 

tAcma 


"The  only  place  there  flat  is  on  the  map 

"You  can  read  em  to  your  granchildren' 

"You  walk  a  post  but  there  aint  no  post 

"I  just  found  it  in  my  bakin  can" 

"I  dont  like  any  sargeant"  .... 

"1  dont  care  much  for  horses,  they  feels  the  same 

way  about  me" 

"Max  Glucos  what  lives  on  the  next  cot 
"Smith  are  you  laffin  at. me?"  .     .     . 
"One  day  its  our  teeth"      .... 
"Remember  me  to  your  mother"  .     . 
"Not  the  kind  your  father  has"     .     . 
"  I  wear  them  every  night  over  my  uniform 
"I  been  made  an  officer"     .... 
"Somebodied  set  a  trunk  on  the  turky' 
"Built  like  the  leg  of  a  sailurs  trowsers 
"You  paint  a  horse  black  and  white  stripes 
"I  spent  mine  doin  Kitchen  police"    . 
"I  wish  that  hired  girl  could  come  down 
"A  croquette  is  a  French  society  woman 
"I  sat  next  to  a  Colonels  wife"      .     .  . 
"Men  hate  to  be  watched  while  they  are  freezin" 
"I  had  a  reputashun  for  a  devil  with  the  wimen" 

vii 


5 
6 

9 

12 

15 
i6 

19 

22 

25 
28 

31 

32 
35 
36 

39 
42 

45 
48 

51 

54 

57 


viii  LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 


TACINO 
PAGE 


"It  seemed  to  depres  them  awful'*  ....  60 
"If  I  catch  one  of  those  ailin  enemies  windin  up 

your  victrola" 63 

"Stuck  my  head  out  of  the  blankets"  ...  68 
"When  I  looked  in  the  tin  mirror  I  thought  I  was 

starvin" 71 

"They  come  round  an  watch  you  eat  it"       .      .  74 

"Army  food  always  runs" 77 

"He  smokes  cigarets  something  awful"     ...  78 

"I  poured  some  oil  out  of  his  lamp"    ....  81 

"I  even  got  mud  in  my  hair" 84 

"The  water  comes  through  on  me"  ...  87 
"The  last  time  I  will  take  my  pen  in  hand  for 

you" 90 

"It  wont  be  no  use  runin  to  the  door"      ...  93 

Bill 100 

"We  can  fire  all  we  want  without  hittin  nothin"  103 

"I  sit  on  a  hill  all  day" 104 

"A  bunch  lyin  under  the  trees" 108 

"My,  what  an  awful  bore" 112 

"The  fello  with  the  long  hair" 116 

"He  thinks  there  so  sad  that  he  almost  cries"     .  120 

"They  get  awful  fat,  of  course" 126 

"They  come  and  get  our  dirty  wash"        .      .      .  130 

"It  aint  as  dangerous  as  I  thought"    ....  134 

"Angus  likes  it  cause  he  can  sit  down  in  it"  .      .  138 

"If  the  top  sargent  dont  remember"   ....  142 

"She  always  carries  a  kid  under  her  arm"  .  .  146 
"I  dont  eat  nothin  outside  of  meal  hours  exceptin 

a  few  pies" 152 

"I  couldnt  see  a  thing  except  the  side  of  the  hill"  156 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS  ix 


PAGE 


'He  outran  the  Other  fello" i6o 

1  sat  next  to  a  lady  what  didnt  seem  to  have 
much  on  but  a  lot  of  jewels" 164 


168 
172 
176 
180 


"The  minister  has  two  daughters — both  girls" 

"They  gave  us  coffee  in  egg  cups" 

"The  first  sargent  wouldnt  let  me"      . 

"The  only  thing  they  do  to  the  rain  is  to  strain  it' 

"I  just  found  your  pictur  at  the  bottom  of  my 

barrack  bag" 188 

"I  dont  seem  to  need  as  much  food  as  I  used  to"  196 

"JoeLoomis" 204 

"The  tailor  must  have  been  a  boiler  maker  once"  210 
"Marched  till  my  pack  gained   a  hundred  an 

fifty  pounds" 220 

"  Everybody  had  a  beard  on  both  sides  of  his  face  "  224 

"Beat  the  buttons  off  them  with  a  big  board"    .  230 

"  Everyone  tucks  there  napkins  under  there  chins  "  23  2 
"They  just  ishued  us  overseers  caps  an  rapped 

leggins" 236 

"Will  have  to  lean  them  up  agenst  something"  240 

"Tyin  it  under  your  chin  like  a  bib"  ....  244 

"Mike  Whozis,  the  Captins  orderly"  .      ...  248 

"Ive  found  the  first  real  use  for  my  tin  derby".  252 

"Another  boiler  blew  up  right  in  front  of  us"      .  256 
"Lem  Wattles  what  never  had  his  name  in  the 

paper" 262 

"Were  livin  right  up  in  the  trenches  now"    .      .  264 

"It  doesnt  look  as  if  it  had  ever  exploded"    .      .  272 
"There  was  the  Lootenant  boostin  the  Major  out 

of  the  trench" 278 

"His  helmet  looked  like  a  tin  sunbonnet"  .      .  282 


X  LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 


PACING 
PAGE 


"I  Stuck  my  head  around  the  bush"  .  .  .  288 
"You  ought  to  have  seen  those  two  Lootenants 

come  down"       .      .      .• 294 

"*Do  you  happen  to  have  any  lemonade?'"  .  .  300 
"Tried  to  make  a  blanket  roll  in  six  inches  of 

mud" 304 

"All  I  do  is  scratch,  scratch,  scratch"  .  .  .  308 
"The  people  here  wear  wooden  shoes  an  have 

no  shapes" 312 

"A  German  bed  is  like  a  loaf  of  bread  thats  rose 

to  much" 316 

"They  take  off  there  hats  to  us" 320 

"Levels  it  off  with  a  piece  of  bread"   .      .      .      .324 

"They  lined  us  all  up" 328 

**That  little  snub  nosed  thing  across  the  street"  332 

"Im  goin  to  be  just  plain  Mr.  Bill  Smith"     .     .  336 


Dere  Mable 

Love  Letters  of  a  Rookie 

Dere  Mable: 

I  guess  you  thought  I  was  dead.  Youll  never 
know  how  near  you  was  to  right.  We  got  the 
tents  up  at  last,  though,  so  I  got  a  minit  to  rite. 
I  guess  they  choose  these  camps  by  mail  order. 
The  only  place  there  fiat  is  on  the  map.  Where 
our  tents  is  would  make  a  good  place  for  a  Rocky 
Mountin  goat  if  he  didnt  break  his  neck.  The 
first  day  the  Captin  came  out  an  says  "Pitch 
your  tents  here."  Then  he  went  to  look  for  some- 
one quick  before  anyone  could  ask  him  how.  I 
wish  I  was  a  Captin.  I  guess  he  thought  we 
was  Alpine  Chasers.  Eh,  Mable?  But  you  prob- 
ably dont  know  what  those  are. 

Honest,  Mable,  if  Id  put  in  the  work  I  done 
last  week  on  the  Panamah  Canal  it  would  have 
been  workin  long  before  it  was.  Of  course  there 
was  a  lot  of  fellos  there  with  me  but  it  seemed  like 
all  they  did  was  to  stand  round  and  hand  me 
shovels  when  I  wore  em  out. 


2  DERE  MABLE 

The  Captin  appresheates  me  though.  The 
other  day  he  watched  me  work  awhile  and  then 
he  says  "Smith."  He  calls  me  Smith  now.  We 
got  very  friendly  since  I  been  nice  to  him.  I 
noticed  none  of  the  other  fellos  had  much  to  say 
to  him.  I  felt  kind  of  sorry  for  him.  Hes  a 
human  bein  even  if  he  is  a  Captin,  Mable.  So 
every  time  I  saw  him  I  used  to  stop  him  and  talk 
to  him.  Democratic.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 
"Smith"  he  says  "If  they  was  all  like  you  round 
here  war  would  be  hell,  no  joke."  By  which  he 
meant  that  we  would  make  it  hot  for  the  Boshes. 

I  been  feelin  awful  sorry  for  you,  Mable. 
What  with  missin  me  and  your  fathers  liver  gone 
back  on  him  again  things  must  have  been  awful 
lonesome  for  you.  It  Isnt  as  if  you  was  a  girl 
what  had  a  lot  of  fellos  hangin  round  all  the  time. 
Not  that  you  couldnt  have  em,  Mable,  but  you 
dont  an  theres  no  use  makin  no  bones  about  it. 
If  it  hadnt  been  for  me  I  guess  things  would  have 
been  pretty  stupid  though  I  dont  begrudge  you 
a  sent.  You  know  how  I  am  with  my  money.  I 
guess  you  ought  to  anyway.  Eh,  Mable?  Never 
talk  of  money  matters  in  connexun  with  a  wo- 
man.   Thats  me  all  over. 

Now  I  got  started  an  found  a  fountin  pen  an 
the  Y.M.C.A.  givin  away  paper  like  it  does 
Im  goin  to  rite  you  regular.     They  say  there 


THE  ONLY  PLACE  THERE   FLAT  IS  ON  THE   MAP" 


"you  can  read  em  to  your  granchildren" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE       5 

goln  to  charge  three  sents  for  a  letter  pretty  soon. 
That  aint  goln  to  stop  me  though,  Mable.  There 
aint  no  power  in  heavin  or  earth,  as  the  poets 
say,  as  can  come  between  you  and  me,  Mable. 
You  mite  send  a  few  three  sent  stamps  when  you 
rite.  That  is  if  your  fathers  able  to  work  yet. 
And  wlllin,  I  should  add. 

Of  course  it  aint  nothin  to  me  but  Id  keep  these 
letters  what  you  get  from  me  as  a  record  of  the 
■war.  Some  day  you  can  read  em  to  your  gran- 
children  an  say  "Your  Granfather  Bill  did  all 
these  things."  Aint  I  the  worst,  Mable?  Serious 
though  I  havnt  found  noone  so  far  what  has 
thought  of  doin  this  except  the  newspapers.  I 
guess  111  get  a  lot  of  inside  stuff  that  theyll  never 
see.  So  this  may  be  the  only  one  of  its  kind. 
But  it  doesnt  matter  to  me  what  you  do  with  them, 
Mable. 

Later  111  tell  you  all  about  everything  but  I 
guess  you  wont  understand  much  cause  its  teck- 
nickle.  Lots  of  the  fellos  are  gettin  nitted  things 
and  candy  and  stuff  right  along.  Dont  pay  no 
attenshun  to  that,  though,  or  take  it  for  a  hint 
cause  it  aint.  I  just  say  it  as  matter  of  rekord. 
Independent  if  nothin,  Thats  me  all  over. 
Yours  till  the  war  ends 

Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

Having  nothin  better  to  do  I  take  up  my  pen 
to  rite. 

We  have  been  here  now  three  weeks.  As  far 
as  I  am  concerned  I  am  all  ready  to  go.  I  told 
the  Captin  that  I  was  ready  any  time.  He  said 
yes,  but  that  wed  have  to  wait  for  the  slow  ones 
cause  they  was  all  goin  together.  I  says  was  I 
to  go  out  to  drill  with  the  rest.  He  said  yes 
more  for  the  example  than  anything  else.  Its 
kind  of  maddening  to  be  hangin  round  here  when 
I  might  be  over  there  helpin  the  Sammies  put  a 
stop  to  this  thing. 

In  the  mean  time  I  been  doin  guard  duty. 
Seems  like  I  been  doin  it  every  night  but  I  know 
what  there  up  against  and  I  dont  say  nothin. 
Guard  duty  is  something  like  extemperaneus 
speakin.  You  got  to  know  everything  your  goin 
to  say  before  you  start.  Its  very  tecknickle.  For 
instance  you  walk  a  post  but  there  aint  no  post. 
An  you  mount  guard  but  you  dont  really  mount 
nothin.  An  you  turn  out  the  guard  but  you  dont 
really  turn  em  out.  They  come  out  them  selves. 
Just  the  other  night  I  was  walkin  along  thinkin  of 

6 


YOU   WALK   A   POST   BUT  THERE    AINT   NO    POST 


"l  JUST  FOUND   IT   IN    MY  BAKIN   CAN" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      ^9 

you  Mable  an  my  feet  which  was  hurtin.  It  made 
me  awful  lonesome.  An  officer  come  up  and  he 
says  why  dont  you  draw  your  pistol  when  you  here 
someone  comin.  An  I  says  I  dont  wait  till  the 
sheep  is  stole  I  drew  it  this  afternoon  from  the 
Supply  sargent.  An  I  showed  it  to  him  tucked  in- 
side my  shirt  where  noone  could  get  it  away  from 
me  without  some  tussel,  you  bet,  Mable.  But  it 
seems  that  you  got  to  keep  on  drawin  it  all  the 
time.  Then  later  I  here  footsteps.  I  was  expectin 
the  relief  so  I  was  right  on  the  job.  An  a  man 
come  up  and  I  poked  my  pistol  right  in  his  face  an 
says  Halt.  Who  goes  there?  And  he  says  Offi- 
cer of  the  day.  An  bein  disappointed  as  who 
wouldnt  be  I  says  Oh  hell.  I  thought  it  was  the 
relief.  An  he  objected  to  that.  The  relief,  Ma- 
ble— ^but  whats  the  use  you  wouldnt  understand  It. 
Theres  some  mistake  up  north  Mable  about  the 
way  were  built,  Mable.  Its  kind  of  depresin  to 
think  that  you  could  forget  about  us  so  quick. 
Everyones  gettin  sweters  without  sleeves  and 
gloves  without  fingers.  We  still  got  everything 
we  started  with  Mable.  Why  not  sox  without  feet 
and  pants  without  legs.  If  your  makin  these  things 
for  after  the  war  I  think  your  anticipatin  a  little. 
Besides  its  depresin  for  the  fellos  to  be  remind- 
ed all  the  time.  Its  like  givin  a  fello  a  life  mem- 
bership to  the  Old  Soldiers  home  to  cheer  him  up 


lo  DERE  MABLE 

when  he  sails.  I  was  sayin  the  other  day  that  if 
the  fellos  at  Washington  ever  get  onto  this  theyll 
be  issuin  soleles  shoes  and  shirtles  sieves. 

Its  gettin  awful  cold.  No  wonder  this  is  a 
healthy  place.  All  the  germs  is  froze.  I  guess 
there  idea  of  the  hardenin  proces  is  to  freeze  a 
fello  stiff.  The  Captin  said  the  other  day  we  was 
gettin  in  tents  of  trainin.  Thats  all  right  but  Id 
kind  of  like  to  see  those  steam  heated  barraks. 
Youve  red  about  those  fellos  that  go  swimmin  in 
the  Ice  in  winter.  I  guess  thed  like  our  shouer 
baths.  They  say  Cleanliness  Is  next  to  Godliness, 
Mable.    I  say  its  next  to  impossible. 

I  started  this  letter  almost  a  weak  ago.  I  just 
found  it  in  my  bakin  can.  They  call  it  a  bakin 
can  but  its  too  small  to  bake  nothin.  I  keep  my 
soap  In  It.  I  got  some  news  for  you.  The  regi- 
ment is  to  be  dismantled.  The  Captin  called  me 
over  this  momin  and  asked  me  where  Id  like  to  be 
transferred.  I  said  home  if  It  was  the  same  to 
him.  So  there  goin  to  send  me  to  the  artillery. 
This  is  a  very  dangerous  and  useful  limb  of  the 
servus,  Mable.  I  dont  kno  my  address.  Just  write 
me  care  of  the  General. 

I  got  the  red  muffler  that  your  mother  sent  me. 
Give  her  my  love  just  the  same 

yours  relentlessly, 

Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  havnt  rote  for  some  time  I  had  such  sore  feet 
lately.  When  they  broke  up  our  regiment  and 
sent  me  over  to  the  artillery  I  thought  I  was  goin 
to  quit  usin  my  feet.  That  was  just  another 
roomor. 

Thanks  for  the  box  of  stuff  you  sent  me.  I 
guess  the  brakeman  must  have  used  it  for  a  chair 
all  the  way.  It  was  pretty  well  baled  but  that  dont 
matter.  And  thanks  for  the  fudge  too.  That 
was  fudge  wasnt  it,  Mable?  And  the  sox.  They 
dont  fit  but  I  can  use  them  for  somethin.  A  good 
soldier  never  throws  nothin  away.  An  thank  your 
mother  for  the  half  pair  of  gloves  she  sent  me. 
I  put  them  away.  Maybe  sometime  shell  get  a 
chance  to  nit  the  other  half.  Or  if  I  ever  get  all 
my  fingers  shot  off  theyll  come  in  very  handy. 

The  artillerys  a  little  different  from  the  infantry. 
They  make  us  work  harder.  At  least  theres  more 
work  on  the  skedule.  I  know  now  what  they  mean 
when  they  say  that  the  "artillerys  active  on  the 
western  front." 

They  got  a  drill  over  here  called  the  standin  gun 
drill.    The  names  misleadin.     I  guess  it  was  in- 

II 


12  DERE  MABLE 

vented  by  a  troop  of  Jap  akrobats.  They  make 
you  get  up  and  sit  on  the  gun.  Before  you  can 
get  settled  comfortable  they  make  you  get  down 
again.  It  looks  like  they  didnt  know  just  what 
they  did  want  you  to  do. 

I  dont  like  the  sargent.  I  dont  like  any  sar- 
gent  but  this  one  particular.  The  first  day  out 
he  kept  sayin  "Prepare  to  mount"  and  then 
"Mount."  Finally  I  went  up  to  him  and  told  him 
that  as  far  as  I  was  concerned  he  could  cut  that 
stuff  for  I  was  always  prepared  to  do  what  I  was 
told  even  though  it  was  the  middle  of  the  night. 
He  said,  Fine,  then  I  was  probably  prepared  to 
scrub  pans  all  day  Sunday. 

I  dont  care  much  for  horses.  I  think  they 
feels  the  same  way  about  me.  Most  of  them  are 
so  big  that  the  only  thing  there  good  for  Is  the 
view  of  the  camp  you  get  when  you  climb  up. 
They  are  what  they  call  hors  de  combat  In  French. 
My  horse  died  the  other  day.  I  guess  it  wasnt 
much  effort  for  him.  If  It  had  been  he  wouldnt 
have  done  it. 

They  got  a  book  they  call  Drill  Regulations 
Field  and  Light.  Thats  about  as  censlble  as  It  Is 
all  the  way  through.  For  Instance  they  say  that 
when  the  command  for  action  Is  given  one  man 
jumps  for  the  wheel  and  another  springs  for  the 
trail  an  another  leaps  for  the  muzzle.     I  guess 


"l  DONT  LIKE  ANY  SARGEANX" 


"l  DONT  CARE  MUCH  FOR  HORSES,  THEY  FEELS  THE  SAME  WAY  ABOUT  ME 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      15 

the  fello  that  rote   the   regulations  thought  we 
was  a  bunch  of  grass  hoppers. 

Well  I  got  to  quit  now  an  rite  a  bunch  of  other 
girls.  Thanks  again  for  the  box  although  it  was 
so  busted  that  it  wasnt  much  good  but  that  dent 
matter. 

Yours  till  you  here  otherwise, 

Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

Todays  Thanksgivin.  Im  thankful  things  aint 
no  worse  though  Max  Glucos  what  lives  on  the 
next  cot  says  they  couldnt  be.  Cheery  an  bright 
to  the  last.     Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

Every  man  gets  ateen  ounces  of  Turky  on 
Thanksgivin.  All  to  himself,  Mable.  The  sar- 
gent  says  the  commltee  on  Hays  and  Beans  at 
Washington  decides  that.  Mines  Inside.  Im  most 
to  full  for  expreshun  as  the  poets  say.  We  had  a 
great  dinner.  Soup  an  turky,  dressin,  crambury 
sause  an  pie  an  smashed  potatoes.  All  in  one 
plate.  I  wish  you  could  have  heard  how  the  fellos 
enjoyed  It  Mable.  I  know  now  why  they  call  the 
turkys  gobblers. 

Thanksgivin  Is  a  holiday.  All  a  fello  has  to  do 
on  a  holiday  In  the  artillery  is  to  feed  the  horses 
an  give  em  a  drink  an  smooth  em  out  an  take 
em  for  a  walk  an  then  feed  em  an  smooth  em  out 
an  feed  em  an  give  em  a  drink.  It  makes  a  fello 
feel  like  givin  back  a  dollar  out  of  his  pay  at  the 
end  of  the  month. 

The  horses  has  the  softest  of  anyone,  Mable. 
They  dont  even  have  to  get  up  for  breakfast  in 

i6 


"max  glucos  what  lives  on  the  next  cot" 


"smith  are  you  laffin  at  me?" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      19 

the  morning.  We  bring  It  to  em  in  a  little  bag 
filled  with  cereul.  You  tie  this  on  there  face.  I 
guess  they  aint  never  been  fed  before  the  war 
broke  out.  When  they  see  you  comin  they  start 
jumpin  round  like  starvin  sallurs.  I  dont  guess 
they  like  cereul.  I  wouldn't  ether  three  times  a 
day.  I  thought  theyd  give  em  somethin  different 
Thanksgivin  but  not  a  chance.  There  always 
hopin  it  uU  be  somethin  else  I  guess.  When  they 
see  the  same  old  thing  they  get  sore  and  try  to 
step  on  your  feet. 

The  sargents  stand  way  behind  an  say  "Go  on 
in.  They  wont  hurt  you."  An  then  when  they 
land  on  your  corn  they  say  "Thats  to  bad.  You 
didnt  do  It  right."  I  dont  like  sargents  any  better 
than  horses. 

An  I  dont  kno  as  Im  going  to  like  the  Captin 
much  better  ether.  The  other  day  I  got  laffin 
while  I  was  standin  In  line.  Just  laffin  to  myself. 
Not  disturbin  nobody.  The  Captin  turns  round 
an  says  "Smith  are  you  laffin  at  me?"  I  says 
no  sir  an  he  says  "Well  what  else  was  there  to 
laff  at?"  Thats  the  kind  of  a  fello  he  is.  I  didn't 
sass  him  back  or  nothin,  Mable.  Just  looked  at 
him  an  made  him  feel  cheap.  I  saw  him  again  In 
the  afternoon.  Course  I  didnt  salute.  He  says 
"What  do  you  mean  by  not  salutin?"  I  told  him 
I  thought  he  was  mad.    Im  glad  Im  not  his  wife, 


,20  DERE  MABLE 

Mable.  You  never  know  how  to  take  a  fello  like 
that. 

If  I  hadnt  knowed  they  needed  me  Id  have  given 
him  two  weaks  notise  on  the  spot.  Duty  before 
pleasure  though.    Thats  me  all  over. 

We  took  the  guns  out  to  drill  the  other  day. 
The  Captin  was  talkin  about  indirect  firin.  Thats 
the  way  he  is.  Nothin  straight  forward  about 
him.  I  asked  the  sargent  about  It.  He  said  in- 
direct firin  was  where  you  shot  at  one  thing  an 
aimed  at  another.  I  hate  to  butt  In  Mable  but  it 
didnt  seem  right.  I  says  I  seen  the  Indien  girl 
in  the  circus  shoot  the  spots  out  of  a  card  over 
her  shoulder  but  wouldnt  It  be  more  censible  to 
cut  out  the  trick  stuff  till  we  was  more  used  to  the 
thing.    You  cant  argue  with  sargents,  though. 

Day  after  tomorrows  Inspecshun.  They  do  It 
every  Saturday.  Thats  another  thing  Im  thankful 
for.  Theres  only  one  Saturday  a  weak.  We  pull 
everything  out  an  pile  it  on  our  cots.  Then  the 
Captin  an  the  sargent  comes  in.  Every  time  Its 
the  same.  He  says  "Thats  very  dirty  Smith 
wheres  your  other  shirt."  An  I  say  "I  aint  got 
none,  sir."  An  he  says  "Sargent  make  a  note  of 
that."  An  then  the  sargent  rites  somethin  in  a 
little  book.  Next  time  just  the  same.  The  Cap- 
tin  says  wheres  my  shirt  an  the  sargent  makes  a 
note.    I  guess  theres  somethin  in  the  drill  regula- 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      21 

tlons  what  makes  him  say  that  cause  I  aint  got 
no  other  shirt  yet. 

Well  Mable  Im  gettin  hungry  again  now.  Guess 
111  have  to  stop  an  buy  a  couple  of  pies.  We  dont 
get  nothin  to  eat  for  an  hour  yet. 

yours  till  the  ice  cracks  in  the  pale, 

Bill. 
P.  S.  I  had  to  borrow  a  stamp  for  this  letter. 
I  went  down  town  yesterday  an  spent  my  last  sent 
on  a  money  belt.    Its  a  good  one  though. 


Dere  Mahle: 

Ralnin  today.  No  drill  so  Im  going  to  rite 
you.  If  I  dont  get  no  exercise  I  go  all  to  pieces. 
Im  back  from  the  artillery  into  the  infantry.  Cap- 
tin  an  I  had  different  ideas  about  runnin  things. 
One  of  us  had  to  leave.  Hed  been  there  longest. 
I  left.    Hot  headed.    Thats  me  all  over. 

Were  doin  baynut  drill  now.  I  cant  say  nothin 
about  it.  Its  not  for  wimens  ears.  We  have  one 
place  where  we  hit  the  Hun  in  the  nose  an  rip  all 
the  decorashuns  offen  his  uniform  all  in  one  stroke. 
Then  theres  another  where  you  give  him  a  shave 
an  a  round  hair  cut  an  end  by  knocking  his  hat 
over  his  eyes.  Then  the  wiperzup  come  over  with 
a  lot  of  bums  an  do  the  dirty  work.  I  an  the  rest 
of  the  fellos  go  ahead  an  take  another  trench. 
I  havnt  been  able  to  find  out  yet  where  we  take  it. 

Its  all  worked  out  cientifick.  The  fello  who 
doped  it  out  had  some  bean.  The  principul  of  the 
thing  is  to  get  the  other  fello  an  not  let  him  get 
you.  If  the  allys  had  doped  out  some  skeme 
like  this  the  war  would  have  been  over  now.  There 
wouldnt  have  been  no  Huns  left.  It  takes  us 
Uncle  Sammies.     Eh  Mable? 

22 


"one  day  its  our  teeth" 


"remember  me  to  your  mother" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     25 

There  gettin  up  a  thrift  campaln  now  Mable. 
First  they  sell  us  enough  Liberty  Bonds  to  buy 
a  brand  new  army  an  let  us  go  home.  Then  they 
cram  a  lot  of  Insurence  at  you  what  wont  never 
do  you  no  good  after  your  killed.  Then  I  guess 
they  found  that  someone  still  had  a  couple  of  dol- 
lars left  so  they  made  us  send  that  back  home. 
Now  there  gettin  up  a  thrift  campaln  Mable.  They 
dont  want  us  to  spend  our  money  foolish  sos  we 
can  buy  the  Singer  BuUdln  or  a  Ford  or  some- 
thin  like  that  when  the  war  Is  over. 

Some  one  say  that  we  was  the  highest  payed 
army  In  the  world.  Besides  all  this  money  we  get 
our  bed  and  board.  I  guess  they  dont  know  that  In 
the  army  bed  and  board  mean  the  same  thing. 
Eh,  Mable?    Still  the  same  old  Bill. 

There  always  Inspectin  us.  I  feel  like  a  piece  of 
prize  beef.  They  never  Inspect  a  man  all  the  way 
through.  I  guess  the  Inspecters  get  payed  by  the 
day  durin  the  duration  of  the  Inspecshun.  One 
day  Its  our  teeth  an  another  our  heart  an  another 
our  lungs.  The  other  day  we  was  all  lined  up  In 
the  company  street  and  the  sargent  says  "Inspec- 
shun arms."  I  lays  down  my  gun  an  rolls  up  my 
sieves.  Just  to  show  you  how  tecknickle  the  army 
is  he  didnt  want  to  see  my  arms  at  all  but  my  gun. 
Hows  a  fello  goln  to  tell,  Mable? 

I  went  up  for  thirds  at  breakfast  the  other 


26  DERE  MABLE 

morning  as  usual  an  the  cook,  said  "You  seem  to 
like  coffee."  Right  away  without  stoppin  to  think 
or  nothin  I  says  back  "Yes  thats  the  reason  Im 
willin  to  drink  so  much  hot  water  to  get  some." 
Eh,  Mable? 

Went  to  a  dance  the  other  night  and  met  some 
swell  girls.  I  made  em  all  laff.  I  says  I  guess  I 
gots  the  instinks  of  a  soldier  all  right.  The  minit 
I  smell  powder  Im  right  on  my  tows. 

I  havent  been  very  well  lately.  I  guess  111  cut 
out  eatin  at  meals.  It  spoils  my  appitite  for  the 
rest  of  the  day.  I  kno  youU  be  glad  to  kno 
my  feet  aint  hurtin  so  much.  Remember  me  to 
the  hired  girl  and  your  mother. 

Yours  through  the  winter, 

Bill, 


Chair  Mahle: 

Thats  French.  I  didnt  expect  you  to  kno  what 
it  meant  though.  The  Y.M.C.A.  are  learnln  me 
French  now.  I  only  had  three  lessons  so  far  but 
I  can  talk  it  pretty  good.  You  know  how  quick 
I  am  at  pickin  up  any  kind  of  trick  stuff  like  that. 
The  only  difference  between  French  and  English 
is  that  there  pretty  near  alike  but  the  French 
dont  pronounce  there  words  right. 

When  I  use  French  words  111  underline  them. 
Thatll  give  you  some  idea  of  the  languige. 

When  we  get  voila  as  the  French  say  for  over 
there  itU  come  handy  to  be  able  to  sit  down  and 
have  a  dosy  dos  with  them  poilus.  (That  means 
chew  the  rag  in  English.)  A  poilus  Mable  is  a 
French  peasant  girl  an  they  say  that  they  are  very 
belle.  (Now  don't  mispronounce  things  an  get  sore 
till  you  know.  You  pronounce  that  like  the  bell 
in  push  button.  It  means  good  lookers.)  There 
crazy  about  us  fellos.  They  call  us  Sammies.  They 
named  one  of  there  rivers  for  us.  You  have  heard 
of  the  battle  of  the  Samme.  But  I  dont  suppose 
you  have. 

They  have  been  learnin  us  a  lot  about  gas  at- 

37 


28  DERE  MABLE 

tacks  lately.  These  are  not  the  kind  your  father 
has.  These  are  more  like  the  open  places  In  the 
street  on  6th  avenoo.  Only  in  the  army  when 
anything  like  this  happens  they  give  you  a  gas 
mask.  A  gas  mask  is  like  a  cracked  ice  bag  with 
windos  In  it.  An  in  the  front  they  got  a  cigaret 
holder.  I  always  heard  how  the  French  was  cig- 
aret feends.  I  guess  it  got  so  bad  they  put  in  the 
holders  sos  they  could  smoke  during  a  gas  attack. 

Im  goin  to  put  on  my  mask  an  have  my  pictur 
took  en  cabinet.  Thats  nothin  to  do  with  fur- 
niture, Mable.  Its  the  French  for  what  Its  goin 
to  look  like  when  its  done. 

The  gas  fello  said  the  other  day  that  gas  was 
perfectly  safe  cause  you  could  always  tell  when 
it  was  comin.  You  could  hear  it  escape  or  see 
It  or  smell  it.  The  only  trouble  was,  he  said, 
that  when  the  gas  started  the  machine  guns  made 
so  much  noise  you  couldnt  hear  it  an  it  always  came 
at  night  sos  you  couldnt  see  it  and  when  you 
smelled  it  it  was  most  to  late  to  bother  anyhow. 
I  been  thinkin  that  over.  Seems  to  me  theres 
a  joker  In  the  contract  somewhere.  Ask  your 
father  to  read  it  over  an  see  if  It  sounds  droit 
(thats  French  for  right)  to  him.  Better  still.  Ask 
Higgins  the  grocer  to  give  it  the  once  over.  Hes 
got  a  grand  tete  as  the  French  say  when  they  mean 
brains. 


a. a. 


"not  the  kind  your  father  has" 


"l  WEAR  THEM   EVERY   NIGHT  OVER   MY   UNIFORM" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     31 

Its  getting  frappayer  and  frappayer  down  here 
(meaning  colder  and  colder).  It  got  so  cold  that 
I  put  on  those  sox  that  you  nitted  me.  I  guess  I 
wont  any  more  though.  I  guess  my  feet  are  go- 
ing to  look  like  corderoy  the  rest  of  my  life.  Youll 
understand  no  hard  feelin  I  know.  You  know  how 
delicate  my  feet  is  an  how  I  cant  afford  to  prennez 
a  hazard  with  them. 

Thank  your  mother  for  the  flannel  pajammas. 
I  wear  them  every  night  over  my  uniform.  I 
got  to  quit  now  an  read  some  pictur  post  cards 
that  some  girls  sent  me. 

Good  night 
(or  as  the  French  say  Robe  de  Nuit). 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  havnt  rote  for  some  time  because  I  been 
made  an  officer.^ — a  corperal.  I  admit  I  deserved 
it.  I  didn't  apply  for  it  or  nothin  though.  They 
just  come  and  told  me. 

Bein  corperal  means  I  dont  have  nothin  more 
to  do  with  details.  An  at  the  same  time  I  got 
more  details  than  ever.  Thats  a  sort  of  a  joke 
that  us  military  men  understand.  You  couldnt 
get  it  probably  Mable.    Its  tecknickle. 

Yesterday  being  Sunday  me  an  a  couple  of  other 
ofBcers  borrowed  a  couple  of  mules  from  the  stable 
sargent  an  went  for  a  ride.  We  saw  a  cabin  that 
they  said  was  a  moonshiners  hut  but  it  was  broad 
daylight  so  you  couldnt  tell  of  course. 

Its  still  cold.  I  wish  theyd  hurry  up  and  issue 
those  gas  masks.  Theyd  come  In  handy  these  cold 
nights.  The  sargent  told  me  that  I  was  goin  to 
do  interior  guard  tonight.  I  guess  Im  lucky  to 
get  indoor  work  this  wether. 

You  never  saw  such  a  place  for  roomors.  These 
are  army  roomors.  They  havnt  got  nothin  to  do 
with  the  kind  your  mother  used  to  take  in.  We 
here  that  were  going  next  week  an  that  were  not 

33. 


"l  BEEN   MADE  AN  OFnCER" 


"SOMEBODIED  SET  A   TRUNK  ON   THE  TURKY" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     35 

goln  at  all  but  were  goln  to  be  used  to  guard  the 
Chicago  stock  yards.  Then  we  here  that  all  the 
mounted  men  are  goin  to  be  dismounted  an  all  the 
dismounted  men  are  goin  to  be  mounted.  An  that 
the  rest  of  us  are  goin  to  be  made  cooks.  An  we 
here  that  all  non  corns  are  goin  to  be  abolished. 
Its  awful  hard  to  tell  what  is  goin  on. 

I  got  your  Thanksgivin  box  two  days  ago.  It 
was  only  ten  days  late.  I  guess  the  post  office 
must  have  made  some  mistake.  Things  is  usually 
later  than  that.  It  was  in  good  shape  except  that 
the  insides  had  been  squoze  out  of  the  mince  pie 
and  somebodied  set  a  trunk  on  the  turky.  Of 
course  I  divided  it  up  with  my  squad.  Big  hearted. 
Thats  me  all  over.  Im  awful  popular  with  my 
men.  They  offen  say  they  wish  Id  be  made  a 
Major  or  somethin.  My  men  ate  up  all  the 
stuff.  All  I  saved  for  my  self  was  the  white  meat 
an  half  a  mince  pie.  It  certainly  tastes  good  in 
the  field.  Of  course  we  aint  in  nobodies  field. 
Thats  a  military  expreshun.     I  cant  explain  it. 

I  got  to  quit  now  an  post  a  guard.  At  the  same 
time  111  post  this  letter  to  you.  Thats  a  joke, 
Mable.  Im  sorry  this  letter  cant  be  longer  but  as 
a  man  rises  in  the  army  he  gets  less  an  less  time 
to  hisself.     Olive  oil. 

Yours  faithlessly, 

BilL 


Mon  Cherry  Mable: 

Thats  the  way  the  French  begin  there  love  let- 
ters. Its  perfectly  proper.  I  would  have  rote 
you  sooner  but  me  an  my  fountin  pens  been 
froze  for  a  week.  Washington  will  never  know 
how  lucky  he  was  that  he  got  assigned  to  valley 
Forge  instead  of  here.  It  got  us  out  of  drill  for 
a  couple  of  days.  Thats  somethin.  I  guess  Id 
rather  freeze  than  drill.  Its  awful  when  they 
make  you  do  both  though. 

Two  of  my  men  has  gone  home  on  furlos.  Me 
bein  corperal  I  took  all  there  blankets.  The  men 
didnt  like  it  but  I  got  a  squad  of  men  to  look  out 
for  an  my  first  duty  is  to  keep  fit.  Duty  first. 
Thats  me  all  over.  I  got  so  many  blankets  now 
that  I  got  to  put  a  book  mark  in  the  place  I  get 
in  at  night  or  Id  never  find  it  again. 

We  spent  most  of  our  time  tryin  to  find  some- 
thin  to  burn  up  in  the  Sibly  stoves.  A  sibly  stove, 
Mable,  is  a  piece  of  stove  pipe  built  like  the  leg 
of  a  sailurs  trowsers.  Old  man  Sibly  must  have 
had  a  fine  mind  to  think  it  out  all  by  hisself.  They 
say  he  got  a  patent  on  it.  I  guess  that  must  have 
been  a  slack  winter  in  Washington.    The  govern- 

36 


"built  like  the  leg  of  a  sailurs  trowsers" 


"you  paint  a  horse  black  and  white  stripes 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     39 

ment  gives  us  our  wood  but  I  guess  that  the  man 
who  decided  how  much  it  was  goin  to  give  us 
had  an  office  in  the  Sandwitch  Islands.  I  says  the 
other  day  that  if  theyd  dip  our  allowance  in  fus- 
frus  wed  at  least  have  matches,  eh  Mable?  Im 
the  same  old  Bill,  Mable.  Crackin  jokes  an  keep- 
in  everybody  laffin  when  things  is  blackest. 

I  was  scoutin  round  for  wood  today  an  burned 
up  those  military  hair  brushes  your  mother  gave 
me  when  we  came  away.  I  told  her  theyd  come 
in  mighty  handy  some  day. 

They  say  a  fello  tried  to  take  a  shouer  the  other 
day.  Before  he  could  get  out  it  froze  round  him. 
Like  that  fello  in  the  bible  who  turned  into  a  pillo 
of  salt.  They  had  to  break  the  whole  thing  offen 
the  pipe  with  him  Inside  it  an  stand  it  In  front 
of  the  stove.  When  it  melted  he  finished  his 
shouer  an  said  he  felt  fine.  Thats  how  hard  were 
gettin,  Mable. 

I  bought  a  book  on  Minor  Tackticks  the  other 
day.  Thats  not  about  underaged  tacks  that  live 
on  ticks  as  you  might  suppose,  Mable.  Its  the 
cience  of  movin  bodies  of  men  from  one  place  to 
another.  I  thought  it  might  tell  of  some  way  of 
gettin  the  squad  out  of  bed  in  the  morning  but  it 
doesnt.  All  the  important  stuff  like  that  is  camoo- 
flaged  SOS  the  Germans  wont  get  onto  it. 

Camooflage  is  not  a  new  kind  of  cheese  Mable. 


40  DERE  MABLE 

Its  a  military  term.  Camooflage  is  French  for 
cauliflower  which  is  a  disguised  cabbage.  It  is 
the  same  thing  as  puttin  powder  on  your  face  in- 
stead of  washin  it.  You  deceive  Germans  with 
it.  For  instance  you  paint  a  horse  black  and 
white  stripes  an  a  German  comes  along.  He  thinks 
its  a  picket  fence  an  goes  right  by.  Or  you  paint 
yourself  like  a  tree  an  the  Germans  come  an  drink 
beer  round  you  an  tell  military  sekruts. 

Well  I  guess  its  time  to  say  Mery  Xmas  now 
Mable.  I  guess  it  wont  be  a  very  Mery  Xmas 
withut  me  there,  eh?  Cheer  up  cause  Im  goin 
to  think  of  you  whenever  I  get  time  all  day 
long.  Im  pretty  busy  nowdays.  I  got  to  watch 
the  men  work.  It  keeps  a  fello  on  the  jump  all 
the  time.  I  like  it  though,  Mable.  Thats  me  all 
over.    Isnt  it?    . 

Dont  send  me  nothin  for  Christmas,  Mable.  I 
bou^t  somethin  for  you  but  Im  not  going  to  tell 
you  cause  its  a  surprize.  All  that  I  can  say  is 
that  it  cost  me  four  eighty  seven  ($4.87)  which  is 
more  than  I  could  afford.  An  its  worth  a  lot 
more.  But  you  know  how  I  am  with  money.  A 
spend  drift.  So  dont  send  me  anything  please 
although  I  need  an  electric  flash  light,  some  cig- 
arets,  candy  an  one  of  them  sox  that  you  wear  on 
your  head.     Ill  spend  my  last  sent  on  anyone  I 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     41 

like  but  I  dont  want  to  be  under  no  obligations. 
Independent.    Thats  me  all  over. 

You  might  read  this  part  to  your  mother.     I 
dont  want  nothing  from  her  ether. 

Rite  soon  an  plain  Mable,  cause  I  dont  get 
much  chance  to  study. 

Yours  till  the  south  is  warm, 

Bill, 
Your  mothers  present  cost  me  three  seventy  seven 
($3-77)' 


Jolt  Dame: 

Dont  get  that  confused  with  Tinkers  Dam, 
Mable.  Tinkers  Dam  is  tecknickle  an  aint  even 
French.  I  wish  you  knew  more  about  these  f orin 
languiges.  I  always  herd  a  fello  could  express 
himself  better  in  French  than  anything  else.  Thats 
because  nobody  can  understand  him  an  he  can 
say  anything  he  wants. 

The  Christmas  holidays  is  over.  I  spent  mine 
doin  Kitchen  police.  The  only  thing  what  pealed 
for  me  Christmas  morning  was  potatoes  an  the 
only  thing  what  rung  out  was  dish  cloths.  But  I 
guess  you  aint  familiar  enough  with  the  poets  to 
get  that,  Mable.  It  shows  that  I  can  be  funny  an 
bright  though  even  under  adversary  conditions. 
Kitchen  police  dont  explain  what  I  do  very  well. 
I  dont  walk  a  beet  or  carry  a  club  or  arrest  nobody 
or  nothin.  I  just — well  I  wish  that  hired  girl 
of  yours  could  come  down  an  do  Kitchen  police 
for  a  couple  of  days.  She  wouldnt  be  quitten  as 
regular  as  she  does. 

We  celebrated  Christmas  by  sleepin  till  a  quar- 
ter to  seven  instead  of  hap  past  six.  Only  they 
forgot  to  tell  the  fello  what  blows  the  horn  an  he 

42 


I  SPENT   MINE   DOIN    KITCHEN   POLICE" 


I  WISH  THAT  HIRED  GIRL  CX)ULD  COME  DOWN' 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     45 

blew  it  at  hap  past  six  anyway.  Imagine  if  any-* 
body  home  had  told  me  I  could  sleep  till  a  quar- 
ter of  seven  Christmas  morning.  I  guess  you  know; 
what  Id  a  told  him,  eh,  Mable? 

Theres  a  f  ello  in  town  what  says  he'll  send  flow- 
ers anywhere  you  want  by  telegraph.  I  was  goin 
to  send  you  some  for  Christmas  morning.  Then 
I  figgered  it  was  a  silly  idea.  In  the  first  place 
theyd  get  all  smashed  on  the  way.  An  then  you 
cant  get  enough  flowers  in  one  of  them  little  en- 
velopes to  make  one  good  smell.  Nothin  if  not 
right.    Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

I  had  dinner  in  town  with  Max  Glocoses  moth- 
er. Hes  a  fello  in  our  tent.  Shes  a  nice  enough 
old  lady  but  she  aint  military,  Mable.  We  was 
walkin  down  the  street  before  dinner  an  salutin 
officers  so  fast  it  looked  like  we  was  scratchin 
our  forheds.  An  every  time  we  saluted  she  bowed. 
I  didnt  say  nothin  cause  after  all  she  was  payin 
for  the  dinner.  Later  on  though  she  says,  "I 
think  its  fine  you  boys  has  made  so  many  friends 
among  the  officers  cause  I  think  there  such  nice 
men."  Can  you  beat  it  Mable?  An  when  she 
went  home  she  sent  Max  an  officers  hat  cord  cause 
she  said  she  didnt  think  it  would  fade  as  quick  as 
that  old  blue  thing  he  was  wearln. 

I  like  to  forgot  to  thank  you  for  the  Christmas 
presents  you  an  your  mother  sent.     Im  glad  you 


46  DERE  MABLE 

minded  what  I  said  about  not  wantin  nothin  al- 
though Id  sent  you  two  presents  what  was  worth 
more  than  I  could  afford  ($4.87).  As  I  said  to 
Joe  Loomis  who  was  in  th^  tent  when  your  pres- 
ents came,  it  aint  what  the  thing  cost  or  wether 
you  could  ever  use  it  for  anything.  Its  the  thought. 
Sentiment  before  pleasure.  Thats  me  all  over, 
Mable. 

Thanks  for  the  red  sweter,  Mable.  We  aint 
allowed  to  use  them.  But  you  dont  want  to  feel 
bad  about  that  cause  I  got  lots  of  others  an  didnt 
need  it  anyway.  An  tell  your  mother  thanks  for 
the  preserves  an  cake.  I  think  thats  what  they 
was.  They  must  have  packed  them  between  a 
steam  roller  and  a  donkey  engin  from  the  looks. 
Joe  Loomis  picked  out  most  of  the  glass  an  tried 
some.  Hed  eat  anything,  that  fello,  Mable. 
He  said  it  must  have  been  pretty  good  when  it 
started.  Tell  that  to  your  mother.  I  know  it  will 
please  her. 

I  got  so  many  presents  from  other  girls  an  the 
like  that  its  kind  of  hard  to  remember  if  you  sent 
me  anything  else.  If  you  did  just  tell  me  in  your 
next  letter  and  111  thank  you  when  I  rite  again. 

I  hope  my  presents  arrived  all  right.  I  guess 
you'll  like  em.  You  ought  to  at  the  price.  As  I 
says  to  the  girl  what  sold  em  when  she  says  she 
didnt  have  nothin  cheaper  "Nothins  to  good  for 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      47 

where    there    goln."      Isnt   that   tipical    of   me, 
Mable? 

Well,  Mable,  perhaps  next  year  III  send  you  a 
Dutch  helmit  maybe.  It  aint  no  use  wishin  you  a 
happy  New  Year  cause  I  know  how  itll  be  with 
me  away  an  your  father  what  he  Is. 

Yours  regardless, 

Bill. 


Mon  Croquette: 

Thats  not  the  kind  with  the  evenin  dress  tooth 
pick  in  the  top,  Mable.  A  croquette  is  a  French 
society  woman.  Study  these  letters  of  mine  an 
see  how  I  use  the  words.  You  ought  to  be  able 
to  pick  up  enough  French  to  understand  me  talkin 
it  when  I  come  home. 

Well,  Mable,  New  Years  are  behind  us  again. 
Once  more  I  made  a  lot  of  revolushuns.  Its  no 
use  sayin  there  wasnt  nothin  for  me  to  change. 
Youre  prejudiced.  I  can  see  falts  where  others 
cant.  Underneath  a  plesant  exterior  I  am  made 
of  sterner  stuff,  as  the  poets  say.  I  have  gave 
up  frivolity  with  the  exception  of  goin  into  town 
once  in  a  while  to  take  a  bath.  Im  strong  for  this 
sanity  stuff  under  any  conditions. 

Im  makin  a  study  of  war.  Im  goin  to  tell  you 
a  sekrut.  Im  workin  on  a  plan  to  end  the  war.  I 
got  thinkin,  as  I  will,  an  it  struck  me  that  no  one 
had  gone  into  this  at  all.  There  all  figurin  how 
to  go  on  with  it  but  none  of  em  how  to  quit  it. 
Dont  say  nothin  till  I  get  it  worked  out.  I  guess 
you  always  knew  youd  here  from  me  when  I  got 
gpin,  eh  Mable? 

48 


"a  croquette   is   a   FRENCH  SOCIETY  WOMAN" 


a.^ 


"l  SAT  NEXT  TO   A   COLONELS  WIFE" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      51 

I  also  resolved  not  to  put  off  till  tomorrow 
what  I  can  do  today.  (Old  motto.)  For  instance 
if  I  can  get  out  of  a  fatigue  today  whats  the  use 
of  waitin  till  tomorrow.  The  same  with  sleepin 
and  restin. 

I  cut  out  cigarets  to.  I  was  gettin  to  be  a 
feend.  Got  so  I  had  to  lite  one  whenever  I  got 
thinkin.  I  was  usin  up  most  a  package  a  day. 
Nervous  an  high  strung.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 
I  smoke  cigars  an  a  pipe  instead.  A  fello  with 
an  active  mind  has  got  to  have  somethin.  You 
remember  what  the  fello  what  trained  the  high 
school  show  said  when  he  saw  me  act.  Tempera- 
ture. Thats  me.  Of  course  its  harder  to  borrow 
pipe  tobacco  and  cigars  but  Im  tryin  to  show  the 
fellos  how  bad  cigarets  is.  Pretty  soon  111  be  all 
O.K.  again. 

I  got  that  watch  your  father  sent  me  for  a  New 
Years  present.  Tell  him  thanks  very  much  an 
not  to  feel  bad  because  he  forgot  to  send  me  a 
Christmas  present  cause  this  wipes  out  the  debt 
entirely.  He  said  it  was  a  military  watch  an  the 
latest  thing  out.  I  guess  they  call  it  a  military 
watch  cause  it  works  two  hours  and  stops  four. 
Its  the  latest  thing  round  here.  If  I  answered 
call  by  that  watch  Id  be  fallin  in  for  retreat  round 
taps.    Its  so  slow  it  cant  stop  quick. 

I  got  the  blacksmith  over  at  headquarters  com- 


52  DERE  MABLE 

pany  workin  on  it  now.  Hes  an  awful  good  man. 
He  was  a  plumber  in  civilian  life.  Thats  why 
they  made  him  a  blacksmith  when  he  joined  the 
army.  He  says  hes  goin  to  fix  it  sos  111  never 
be  bothered  with  it  again. 

I  got  asked  to  a  dinner  New  Years  night*  I 
sat  next  to  a  Colonels  wife.  It  was  kind  of  em- 
barassing  at  first.  I  put  her  easy  though.  I  says 
whose  that  funny  lookin  old  bird  sittin  across  the 
room  with  a  head  like  an  egg.  Hes  very  chic  isnt 
he?  (Thats  a  French  joke  Mable.)  She  says 
"Thats  my  husband."  As  soon  as  Id  stopped 
lafHn  I  started  right  in  an  told  her  the  history  of 
every  man  in  the  company  beginnin  with  the  As. 
You  know  me  when  I  get  started.  I  didnt  give 
her  no  chanst  to  get  embarassed.  When  she  start- 
ed to  say  somethin  I  just  kept  right  on  talkin  just 
to  show  her  that  bein  a  Colonels  wife  she  wasnt 
expected  to  make  no  effort. 

I  made  good,  Mable.  I  guess  you  kno  I  would. 
After  dinner  I  heard  her  ask  somebody  who  in- 
vited me.  Then  she  said  somethin  like  "Hed  ought 
to  be  known  better."  Never  miss  a  chance.  Thats 
me  all  over.  It  may  mean  promoshun  or  any- 
thing. It  may  be  that  shell  have  me  sent  to  Fort 
Silly  to  learn  somethin.    You  cant  tell. 

I  cant  think  of  anything  more  that  you  would 
understand.    Dont  show  these  letters  to  kno  one. 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     53 

There  is  to  many  spize  around.  I  suppose  you 
are  awful  lonesome  without  me.  I  dont  get  much 
time  to  be  lonesome  what  with  drillin  an  goin  out 
somewhere.  As  soon  as  things  get  shook  down  a 
bit  I  hope  to  get  more  time  to  miss  you.  Hows 
your  fathers  liver? 

Au  Riviere, 

Bill. 


Mon  Ami: 

Sounds  like  a  scourin  pouder,  doesnt  it,  Mable? 
As  a  matter  of  fact  its  the  way  a  French  lady 
talks  to  a  fello  shes  awful  fond  of. 

Im  not  an  officer  any  more.  I  was  just  goin 
to  resine  anyways.  The  Captins  been  watchin 
me  rise  an  he  didnt  like  it.  He  knew  I  knew  more 
than  him  as  well  as  me.  Always  askin  me  ques- 
tions. Id  always  tell  him  cause  I  knew  he  had  a 
wife  and  children  in  Jersey  City  an  so  I  was 
sorry  for  them.  Soft.  Thats  me  all  over.  But 
the  other  day  when  I  was  on  guard  he  says,  "Cor- 
peral,  whats  the  General  orders?"  an  I  says, 
"Captin  if  you  dont  kno  them  now  you  never 
will  and  I  wouldnt  be  doin  no  service  to  my  coun- 
try if  I  told  you."  Cold  but  civil,  Mable.  You  kno 
how  I  can  be. 

The  Captin  just  felt  cheap  an  walked  away. 
I  kind  of  felt  sorry  for  him.  Almost  told  him  so 
once  or  twice.  Then  I  went  on  guard  again.  I 
go  on  guard  a  lot.  The  men  like  me  to  be  cor- 
peral  of  the  guard  because  when  the  relief  goes 
out  I  take  all  their  blankets  an  go  right  to  sleep  in- 
stead of  standin  outside  an  watchin  them  freeze. 

54 


MEN   HATE   TO   BE  WATCHED  WHILE   THEY   ARE   FREEZIN" 


"I   HAD   A   REPUTASHUN    FOR   A   DEVIL   WITH    THE    VVIMEn" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     57 

Men  hate  to  be  watched  while  they  are  freezin. 

But  I  happened  to  be  outside  for  some  reason, 
goin  to  dinner  I  guess,  an  I  saw  the  Colonel  com- 
ing. I  says  "Turn  out  the  guard."  (No  one 
really  turns  em  out,  Mable.  They  come  out 
themselves.)  The  Colonel  sees  who  it  is  an  waves 
an  says  "Never  mind  the  guard,  Corperal."  So 
I  thanks  him  an  goes  back  to  the  company  an 
goes  to  bed. 

As  soon  as  the  Captin  sees  that  the  Colonel  is 
savin  me  up  for  over  there  he  gets  sore.  His 
plan  has  been  to  kill  me  before  we  left  here.  He 
said  he  was  goin  to  reduce  me.  Thats  not  the 
same  way  your  father  reduces  when  he  cuts  out 
beer  with  his  meals  an  sits  in  a  Turkish  all  day. 
I  never  said  you  will  or  you  wont.  Just  waited 
till  he  got  outside  an  thumbed  my  nose  at  hinx 
High  spirited.   Thats  me  all  over. 

An  English  officer  came  over  the  other  day  an 
told  us  all  about  the  war.  He  didnt  quite  finish 
it  cause  he  only  had  three  quarters  of  an  hour. 
They  was  quite  a  few  things  I  didnt  kno  even  at 
that.  He  said  that  the  heavy  artillery  was  com- 
manded by  the  C.C.O.D.A.  an  the  light  artillery 
by  the  C.O.A  An  theres  a  special  N.C.O. 
tvho  has  nothin  to  do  but  look  after  the; 
S.A.A.  Just  imagine,  Mable.  I  wish  Id 
studied  chemistree  more  when  I  was  in  school. 


58  DERE  MABLE 

It  would  make  things  a  lot  easier  for  me  now. 
Then  he  said  that  a  man  always  got  into  his  0.0. 
to  observe  the  action  of  the  75s.  These  English 
are  always  great  for  dress  an  that  formal  stuff. 

Im  glad  there  tellin  us  this  before  we  go  over. 
It  would  have  been  awful  embarassing  to  have 
tried  to  observe  the  action  of  the  75s  in  my 
B.V.Ds.  I  asked  him  if  they  had  any  trouble  with 
the  B.P.O.Es.  When  he  left  he  said  "Cheero." 
Without  winkin  a  hair  I  says  "Beevo."  Same  old 
Bill,  eh  Mable? 

They  said  the  other  day  that  my  name  was  on 
a  list  to  go  to  school  an  learn  all  about  liason. 
I  said  there  wasnt  much  use  in  there  doin  that 
cause  I  was  pretty  well  up  on  that  stuff.  At  home, 
I  says,  I  had  a  reputashun  for  a  devil  with  the 
wimen.  Nobody  knows  better  than  you,  eh 
Mable?  I  guess  thats  a  little  over  your  head 
though,  Mable.  I  try  to  be  as  simple  as  I  can. 
If  Im  not  just  tell  me. 

Im  ritin  this  letter  with  my  shoes  off.  I  hope 
youll  excuse  my  bein  so  informal  but  Im  havin  the 
old  trouble  with  my  feet.  They  never  been  right 
since  that  winter  I  taught  you  to  dance.  I  went 
to  the  doctor  with  them  an  he  said  to  keep  offen 
them  as  much  as  I  could.  So  they  put  me  to  work 
scrubbin  the  mess  shack  on  my  hans  and  nees. 
I  bet  if  a  fello  had  both  legs  shot  off  theyd  prop 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     59 

you  up  against  the  wall  an  put  you  peelin  onions. 

I  got  to  quit  now.  They  got  a  thing  called  re- 
treat they  have  every  night.  I  always  like  to  be 
there  just  to  show  the  Captin  Im  behind  him  re- 
gardless. 

Im  sendin  you  my  pictur  in  a  uniform  polntin 
to  an  American  flag.  Its  kind  of  simbolical  the 
man  said,  if  you  know  what  that  Is.  I  thought 
youd  like  to  put  it  on  the  mantle  in  a  conspikuous 
place  SOS  to  have  somethin  to  be  proud  of  when 
your  girl  friend  comes  in  to  talk.  Id  ask  you  for 
your  pictur  only  I  havnt  got  much  room  for  that 
kind  of  thing  down  here. 

yours  exclusively 

Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

Everyone  round  here  Is  goin  to  school  now  so 
they  can  be  speshuHsts.  Not  the  kind  your  mother 
goes  to,  Mable.  A  speshulist  only  does  one  thing. 
I  been  doin  everything  round  here  ever  since  I 
came.  I  was  gettin  sick  of  it.  I  went  to  the  top 
sargent  an  says  I  guessed  Id  be  a  speshulist  to. 
He  said  all  right  he'd  make  me  a  food  speshulist. 
Said  Id  have  to  go  into  it  pretty  deep.  I  been 
into  it  up  to  my  elbows  in  the  kitchen  ever  since. 
Never  trust  sargents.  Least  of  all  top  sargents. 
If  it  keeps  on  like  this  there  wont  be  nobody  to  do 
the  actual  fightin  but  me,  Mable.  Its  too  much 
responsibilety  for  one  man.  Suppose  I  was  to  get 
sick  or  somethin. 

An  then  a  bunch  of  fellos  went  away  to  lern  to 
be  officers.  That  kind  of  struck  my  fancy  it  bein 
about  the  only  thing  I  hadnt  done  round  here. 
I  went  to  the  Captin  an  told  him  I  thought  Id  go 
to.  He  said  I  could  go  to,  and  then  he  added 
somethin. 

He  said  a  company  was  built  up  somethin  like 
a  man.  There  was  the  brain,  which  was  the  offi- 
cers, and  then  some  was  the  muscle  an  some  was 

60 


IT   SEEMED  TO   DEPRES  THEM    AWFUL' 


"if  I  CATCH  ONE  OF  THOSE  AILIN  ENEMIES  WINDIN  UP  YOUR  VICTROLA" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     63 

the  bone.  He  said  I  seemed  to  be  pretty  well  fit- 
ted for  my  part  by  nature  so  he  wouldnt  change 
me.  Ive  always  been  strong  ever  since  I  was  a  kid, 
Mable. 

Ive  .rote  a  pome.  I  sent  it  to  the  Divisun  pa- 
per. They  wouldnt  print  it  cause  they  said  it  was 
so  real  that  it  might  depres  the  men.  I  guess  they 
was  right  cause  I  read  it  to  the  fellos  in  the  tent  an 
it  seemed  to  depres  them  awful.  Im  ritin  it  to 
you.  Its  about  the  war.  Youll  probably  notice 
that  yourself  if  you  read  it  careful.     Here  it  is. 


Here  the  thunder  of  the  guns 
Smashin  down  the  German  Huns 
An  the  sticky  pools  of  gory  blood 
Soakin  up  the  oozie  sod 
The  rushin,  roarin,  shreekin  boom 
Of  bullets  crashin  thru  the  gloom 

II 

Listen  to  those  grate  bums  bust 
On  the  quiverin  Hunnish  crust 
Listen  to  the  shreekin,  moanin, 
Swearin,  yellin,  gruntin,  groanin 
That  comes  to  us  across  the  trenches 
All  mixed  up  with  grusome  stenches 


64  DERE  MABLE 

HI 

Biff,  an  from  there  hellish  lare 

The  shreeks  of  Germans  rent  the  air. 

Bloody  lims  lie  on  the  ground. 

Bits  of  Huns  go  flyin  round. 

Bangl  And  through  the  cannons  roar 

Is  plainly  herd  the  splashin  gore. 

IV 

But  this  cannot  go  on  for  long, 
Cause  Uncle  Sam  is  comin  strong. 
And  when  we  charge  the  German  line 
We'll  chuck  the  dam  thing  in  the  Rine. 
An  blood  an  slauter,  rape  an  gore 
In  Bel  Le  France  will  rain  no  more. 

Aint  that  terrible,  Mable?  I  read  it  to  one  fello 
an  he  said  it  made  him  absolutely  sick.  He  said 
he  didn't  see  how  I  could  rite  it  without  gettin 
sick  myself.  Just  between  me  and  you  Mable  I 
did  come  pretty  near  being  once  or  twice  when  I 
was  ritin  it. 

Most  of  all  thats  confidential  but  I  dont  care  if 
you  read  it  to  some  of  your  friends  just  to  give  em 
a  good  idea  of  what  war  is.  Some  of  the  things 
aint  very  nice  of  course.     If  your  ritin  big  stuff 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     65 

though  you  got  to  put  in  everything  that  comes  into 
your  head  or  else  you  lose  the  punch,  I  think  the 
ends  the  best.  A  lot  of  fellos  has  said  that.  We 
ought  to  have  more  of  that.     It  gets  the  slackers. 

The  Rine  is  a  German  river  where  they  make 
wine  near  Berlin,   Mable. 

You  keep  menshuning  a  fello  named  Brogglns 
in  your  letters.  Now  I  aint  got  a  spark  of  jelusy 
in  my  nature.  Big.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 
But  I  warn  you  frankly.  If  I  ever  catch  one  of 
those  ailin  enemies  windin  up  your  victrola  111  kick 
him  out  of  the  house.  Thats  only  fair.  It  isn't 
that  I  care  a  snap.  Theres  plenty  of  girls  waitin 
for  me.      Its  just  the  principul  of  the  thing. 

Dont  think  for  a  minit  that  I  care.  I  just 
menshun  it  cause  I  couldnt  think  of  nothin  else 
to  say. 

Yours  till  you  here  otherwise, 

Bill. 


Pom  de  mon  ote: 

You  say  that  like  ole  yoy  in  Yiddish.  It  means 
apple  of  my  eye.  I  never  saw  an  apple  in  no- 
body's eye,  Mable,  but  I  guess  thats  some  French 
custom. 

Great  news,  Mable.  A  fello  whats  got  a  friend 
In  the  audience  department  in  Washington  just 
told  me  the  wars  goin  to  end  about  the  15th  of 
Feb.  Dont  say  nothin  to  nobody  about  It.  It 
might  look  as  if  I  was  gettin  mixed  up  In  polltiks. 
I  put  In  for  a  furlo  on  the  5th  tho.  Then  I  wont 
have  to  come  back,  eh  Mable?  Ill  bet  your  glad. 
Its  great  to  think  of  gettin  into  a  place  where  you 
cant  see  through  the  walls  and  there  aint  three 
inches  of  mud  on  the  floor.  An  think  of  not  havin 
to  tie  the  doors  together  when  you  come  In  or 
crawl  underneath  em  on  your  bans  and  nees  and 
not  havin  to  put  everything  you  own  in  the  world 
under  the  bed.  But  I  guess  you  dont  care  as  much 
about  these  things  as  I  will. 

This  would  be  a  good  tralnin  camp  for  artik 
explorers.  I  bet  the  fello  that  picks  out  the  camps 
ether  owns  a  cold  storage  plant  in  civil  life  or  else 
they  do  it  by  mail  order.     It  got  so  cold  the  other 

66 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     67 

night  the  silver  In  the  thermometer  disappeared. 
It  aint  been  seen  since. 

We  got  a  comical  guy  In  the  tent.  Bill  Hug- 
gins.  Me  and  hims  a  pair.  Keep  everybody  laffin 
all  the  time.  BUI  likes  things  hot  about  as  well  as 
me.  Every  nite  he  fills  the  SIbly  stove  so  full  of 
wood  that  he  has  to  hammer  the  last  piece  In. 
It  gets  so  hot  that  It  jumps  up  and  down  like  a 
mad  monkey.  Thats  the  way  SIblys  do  when  they 
get  awful  hot.  Were  not  bothered  by  that  much 
though. 

We  got  another  guy  thats  a  fresh  air  feend. 
His  name  Is  Angus  MacKenzIe.  Hes  Scotch.  Hes 
so  close  himself  that  he  has  to  have  lots  of  air 
or  hed  smother.  Every  nite  he  pulls  up  the  side 
of  the  tent  by  his  bed.  No  one  likes  fresh  air  In 
Its  place  better  than  me,  Mable,  but  when  Its  as 
fresh  as  this  air  Is  its  place  is  outside. 

I  wake  up  In  the  nite  rolled  into  a  ball  like  a 
porkyplne.  Theys  things  in  the  middle  of  my 
back  like  his  stickers.  If  I  dont  move  I  get  cramps. 
If  I  do,  I  freeze.  All  around  the  place  where 
Im  lyin  Is  as  warm  as  a  park  bench  In  winter. 
Sometimes  I  forget  and  push  my  feet  down.  That's 
awful. 

One  night  I  thought  I  heard  the  horn  and  stuck 
my  head  out  of  the  blankets.  It  was  Angus  with 
his  head  and  one  arm  outside  snorin.     Can  you 


68  DERE  MABLE 

beat  that.  I  bet  he  swims  in  the  ice  all  winter 
home  and  has  his  pictur  in  the  Sunday  paper.  I 
froze  my  ear  before  I  could  get  my  head  back. 
Thats  the  kind  of  a  fello  he  is. 

Its  awful  cold  in  the  mornin.  They  blow  three 
calls.  The  first  is  just  for  the  slow  guys.  I  can 
make  it  nice  from  the  march  if  I  dont  take  too 
many  close  off.  Thats  no  temtashun.  One  guy 
jumps  up  just  before  assembly  and  makes  a  lot  of 
fuss  like  hes  gettin  dressed.  He  dont  fool  no- 
body. The  only  thing  he  takes  off  at  nite  is  his 
hat.  Some  says  that  falls  off  when  he  gets  into 
bed. 

Angus  gets  up  every  mornin  in  his  BVDs.  I 
think  his  skin  is  furlined.  You  can  hear  him 
smashin  the  ice  in  the  pale  with  a  hair  brush  out- 
side. Then  you  can  tell  hes  washin  by  the  noise 
he  makes  like  a  busted  steam  pipe.  Then  he 
comes  smashin  into  the  tent  leavin  the  door  open 
and  wipes  the  ice  offen  his  face  with  somebody  elses 
towel  an  says  gosh  thats  great.  I  hate  that  kind  of 
a  fello. 

Bill  Huggins  cleaned  the  stove  with  his  towel 
last  week  sos  everything  would  be  neet  for  in- 
specshun.  Angus  got  hold  of  it  in  the  dark  next 
mornin.     Gee,  youd  haft  laft,  Mable. 

I  got  the  little  tin  mirror  you  sent,  Mable. 
Its  unbreakable  all  right.     Bill  Huggins  got  so 


"stuck  my  head  out  of  the  blankets" 


"WHF.N  I  LOOKED  IN  THE  TIN    MIRROR  I  THOUGHT  I  WAS  STARVIN 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      71 

mad  at  it  he  tried  to  break  it  and  couldnt.  The 
first  time  I  looked  in  it  I  got  an  awful  start.  I 
thought  I  was  starvin.  I  looked  like  one  of  them 
picturs  of  hungry  Indiens  that  the  mishunaries 
show  you  just  before  they  pass  the  plate.  Bill 
Huggins  swiped  it  later  and  says  why  didnt  some- 
body tell  him  he  was  gettin  so  fat  cause  he  couldnt 
go  home  on  a  furlo  like  that.  He  didnt  eat  nothin 
for  three  meals  and  then  he  looked  at  hisself 
with  the  mirror  turned  the  other  way.  Its  like 
one  of  those  Coney  Island  places  where  a  fello 
can  go  in  and  laff  at  hisself  for  a  dime.  Next 
time  send  me  one  that  will  break. 

I  got  to  quit  now  and  buy  a  couple  of  pies  be- 
fore I  go  to  bed.  I  dont  sleep  good  less  I  have 
a  little  somethin  on  my  stummick.  Dont  say  noth- 
in about  what  I  told  you  in  the  beginnin. 

Until  the  15th  Feb.  then. 

Yours  faithfully, 

Bill 


Dere  Mahle: 

The  Captin  aint  goin  to  give  me  my  furlo.  Says 
theres  an  order  out  against  it.  Someones  got  it 
in  for  me,  Mable.  I  bought  a  wooley  coat  awful 
cheap  from  Bill  Huggins.  Right  away  theres  an 
order  against  em.  Angus  MacKenzie  sold  me  a 
pair  of  leather  leggins  for  less  than  he  paid  for 
them.  Some  bargain  from  Angus.  The  next  day 
they  issue  an  order  that  you  cant  wear  em.  Now 
they  hear  I  want  to  go  home  an  put  an  order  out 
against  it.  If  theyd  only  come  right  out  an  say 
Bill  Smith  were  goin  to  get  you.  Sneaky.  Thats 
what  I  call  it,  Mable. 

Ive  half  a  mind  to  transfer  back  to  the  artillery. 
If  I  transfer  much  more  theyll  be  chargin  me  extra 
fare,  eh  Mable?  Only  for  me  an  the  Captin  not 
bein  able  to  agree  Id  never  have  left.  I  under- 
stand hes  been  awful  sorry  since.  All  you  have 
to  do  in  artillery  is  to  put  a  bullet  in  the  gun.  It 
does  the  rest.  In  the  infantry  you  got  to  go  up 
and  do  all  the  dirty  work  yourself. 

Besides  Im  gettin  leery  of  these  infantry  fellos. 
There  always  talking  about  what  were  goin  to  do 
to  the  Germans,  blowin  em  to  pieces  and  slicin  era 

72 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      73 

up  an  throwin  em  all  around  the  lot.  I  got  thinkin 
what  If  the  Germans  was  learnin  there  men  to 
do  the  same  thing.  They  never  seem  to  figger  on 
these  things. 

An  these  baynuts,  Mable.  They  aint  safe. 
When  you  get  a  lot  of  fellos  in  a  trench  with  there 
baynuts  stickin  every  which  way  some  ones  goin 
to  get  hurt  sure. 

I  got  those  cigars  your  father  sent  me.  Thank 
him  an  tell  him  if  he  ever  gets  takin  like  that 
again  not  to  send  such  a  large  box  but — well  you 
explain  It  to  him  Mable.  You  can  do  that  sort 
of  thing  much  better  than  I  can.  Outspoken. 
Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

Why  Is  it  that  no  matter  how  fussy  a  fello  was 
when  he  wore  a  vest  as  soon  as  he  begins  to  call 
a  coat  a  blouze  no  one  thinks  he  knows  whats 
what.  If  you  got  any  old  magazenes  what  was 
old  before  the  war  started  send  em  to  the  sol- 
diers. They  wont  know  the  difference.  Some 
wimen  sent  our  regiment  the  Baptist  Review  for 
three  years  back.  That  aInt  right,  Mable.  They 
give  you  candy  that  comes  by  the  bale.  Then  they 
come  round  an  watch  you  eat  It.  I  bet  If  you 
walked  Into  there  place  an  watched  them  eat  they'd 
raise  an  awful  holler.  They  make  speeches  to 
you  that  youd  get  your  money  back  without  askin 


74  DERE  MABLE 

up  north.  They  give  you  free  movies  thats  so  old 
they  look  as  if  they  was  taken  in  the  rain. 

It  seems  like  feedin  the  hippo  at  the  zoo,  Mable. 
It  dont  matter  so  much  as  long  as  theres  lots  of  it. 
Im  goin  into  town  tonite  with  a  bunch  to  eat  a 
swell  dinner  on  a  china  plate.  All  but  Angus  Mac- 
Kenzie.  He  eats  all  his  dinners  on  me.  Im  aw- 
ful sick  of  eatin  out  of  a  tin  fryin  pan.  When 
you  put  food  in  it  it  folds  up  like  a  jacknife  goin 
the  wrong  way.  It  takes  months  to  make  a  good 
mess  kit  eater. 

We  get  our  mess  from  some  fellos  what  stands 
behind  a  counter.  One  of  them  divides  the  coffee. 
He  does  it  by  puttin  half  in  your  cup  an  half  on 
your  thumb.  The  other  fellos  has  big  spoons. 
I  guess  they  are  old  Lacross  players.  A  big  wad 
of  food  hits  your  plate  splash  an  knocks  it  squee 
gee.  The  other  fello  hits  the  other  plate  an  knocks 
it  the  other  way.  When  you  get  it  all  its  runnin 
out  of  one  dish  up  your  sleeve  an  out  of  the  other 
back  into  the  food  pans. 

Army  food  always  runs.  Cooks  love  loose 
grub.  There  awful  stupid.  If  theres  anything 
solid  you  get  it  in  the  pan  with  the  rim  on  it.  Then 
they  pour  the  soup  on  your  cover. 

When  you  sit  down  half  what  you  got  left  spills 
out  on  the  table.  It  isnt  so  bad  now  cause  every- 
thing freezes  about  as  soon  as  it  hits. 


THEY  COME   ROUND  AND  WATCH  YOU  EAT  IT" 


ARMY   FOOD  ALWAYS   RUNS 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     77 

You  ought  to  see  us  eat  breakfast,  Mable.  We 
got  so  many  overcoats  and  things  on  that  a  fello 
dont  get  no  elbow  action.  Some  fellos  eats  with 
there  wool  gloves.  That  aint  a  good  scheme 
though.  It  makes  things  taste  like  eatin  peaches 
with  there  skins  on. 

The  fello  that  invented  our  eatin  tables  must 
have  been  a  supply  sargent  once.  All  the  seats 
is  nailed  to  the  table.  When  you  get  a  spoonful 
of  loose  food  up  some  fello  puts  his  foot  in  your 
lap  and  leaves  a  couple  of  pounds  of  mud  there. 
I  just  brush  it  off  tho  on  the  next  fello.  Never 
complain.     Thats  me  all  over. 

Well  Mable  I  got  to  shine  my  shoes  now  and 
go  and  eat  offen  china  plates  with  a  nigger  waiter. 
I  don't  eat  with  a  nigger  waiter,  Mable.  Its  awful 
hard  to  explain  things  to  you  sometimes.  So  now 
I  will  close 

Hoping  you  are  the  same 

Bill 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  been  thinkin  of  you  a  lot  durin  the  last  weak, 
Mable,  havin  nothin  else  to  do.  I  been  in  the 
hospital  with  the  Bronxitis.  I  guess  I  caught  it 
from  Joe  Loomis.  He  comes  from  there.  Id 
have  rote  you  in  bed  but  I  dropped  my  fountin 
pen  on  the  floor  an  bent  it.     Im  all  right  now. 

I  got  some  news  for  you,  Mable.  The  cook 
says  we  only  drew  ten  days  supply  of  food  last 
time.  He  says  he  guesses  when  we  et  that  up 
well  go  to  France.  Hes  an  awful  smart  fello  the 
cook.  Hes  got  a  bet  on  that  if  the  allys  dont  buck 
up  an  win  the  Germans  is  comin  out  ahead.  Max 
Glucos,  a  fello  in  the  tent,  is  refere.  Were  all 
eatin  as  fast  as  we  can.  Perhaps  we  can  eat  it  all 
in  less  than  ten  days.  So  maybe  well  be  gone, 
Mable,  before  I  rite  you  from  here  again. 

Theres  a  French  sargent  comes  round  once  in 
a  while  an  says  the  war  is  goin  to  be  over  quick. 
He  ought  to  know  cause  hes  been  over  there  an 
seen  the  whole  thing.  He  smokes  cigarets  some- 
thing awful  an  dont  say  much.  Thats  because  the 
poor  cus  cant  talk  much  English.  It  must  be  awful 
not  to  talk  English.     Think  of  not  being  able  to 

7S 


"he  smokes  cigarets  something  awful" 


"l  POURED  SOME  OIL  OUT  OF  HIS  LAMP 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     81 

say  nothin  all  your  life  without  wavin  your  arms 
round  an  then  lookin  it  up  in  a  dickshunary. 

I  feel  so  sorry  for  these  fellos  that  Im  studiin 
French  a  lot  harder  sos  theyll  have  someone  to 
talk  to  when  we  get  over  there.  Im  readin  a  book 
now  thats  rote  all  in  French.  No  English  in  it 
anywhere,  Mable.  A  fello  told  me  that  was  the 
only  way  to  talk  it  good.  I  dont  understand  it 
very  well  so  far.  The  only  way  I  kno  its  French 
19  by  the  picturs.  Some  day  Im  goin  to  find  out 
what  the  name  is.  Then  Im  goin  to  get  the  Eng- 
lish of  it.  Those  are  some  picturs.  Aint  I  fierce, 
Mable?  I  guess  thats  why  I  get  on  with  wimen 
so  well. 

I  gave  up  readin  it  out  loud  cause  the  fellos 
said  it  made  em  think  they  was  in  Paris  so  much 
they  got  restless,  I  cant  speak  no  better  yet.  I 
guess  that  comes  all  at  once  at  the  end  of  the 
book. 

As  soon  as  we  got  the  hot  shouers  all  fixed  the 
pipes  busted.  So  the  other  day  the  Captin  walked 
us  all  in  town  to  take  a  bath.  I  didnt  need  one 
much.  I  used  my  head  more  than  most  of  em. 
Last  fall  when  it  was  warm  I  took  as  many  as  two 
a  week  an  got  away  ahead  of  the  game.  I  went 
along  though.     More  for  the  walk  than  anything. 

I  saw  the  Captin  didnt  make  no  move  to  take 
a  bath  hisself.     I  thought  he  might  be  shy.     He 


82  DERE  MABLE 

dont  mix  very  well  with  the  fellos.  I  felt  sorry 
for  him.  Everyone  else  was  laffin  an  throwin 
things  with  him  standin  off  an  noone  throwin  a 
thing  at  him.  I  went  up  an  says  "Aint  you  goin  to 
take  a  bath  this  winter  to,  Captin?"  Just  jolly, 
Mable,  thats  all.  I  says,  "You  dont  want  to  mind 
the  bunch.  They  dont  care  a  bit.  There  as  dirty 
as  you  are  anyway.  Probably  more."  An  I  bet 
they  were  Mable  cause  I  aint  seen  the  Captin  do 
a  stroke  of  work  since  we  come  here.  Just  stands 
round  givin  orders. 

I  says,  "If  noone  wont  lend  you  a  towel  you  can 
use  mine.  I  was  just  goin  to  have  it  washed  any- 
way." He  got  awful  red  and  embarassed  Mable. 
I  thought  he  was  goin  to  choke.    Hes  awful  queer. 

Just  like  the  other  mornin  he  calls  me  over  an 
says,  "Smith,  my  orderlies  sick.  You  can  shine 
my  boots  this  mornin."  He  said  It  like  Id  been 
beggin  him  to  for  a  month.  An  then  he  says, 
"Smith  you  can  lite  the  fire  in  my  stove."  He  had 
me  thinkin  he  was  doln  me  favors.  He  said  I 
might  put  some  oil  on  his  boots  if  I  wished.  I 
says  that  would  be  a  great  treat  an  I  wished  he 
wouldnt  be  so  kind  or  the  fellos  would  think  he 
was  playin  favorites.  I  guess  he  didnt  here  me 
Mable  cause  hed  just  gone  out.  I  said  It  any- 
way. I  didnt  care  if  he  wasnt  there.  Spunky. 
Thats  me  all  over. 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     83 

I  couldnt  find  no  oil  for  his  boots  anywhere, 
Mable,  so  I  poured  some  out  of  his  lamp.  An 
then  I  dont  think  that  suited  him.  Queer  f  ello  the 
Captin. 

I  keep  herein  more  about  this  fello  Brogglns. 
I  suppose  he  belongs  to  the  Home  Guards  an 
wares  his  uniform  round  in  the  evenin.  An  I  sup- 
pose he  has  an  American  flag  on  his  ritin  paper. 
It  dont  mean  nothin  in  my  life.  I  aint  goin  to 
put  up  no  arguments  or  get  nasty  like  most  fellos 
would.  Dignity.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable.  Let 
me  tell  you  though  if  I  ever  come  home  and  find 
him  shinin  his  elbos  on  the  top  of  your  baby  grand 
111  kick  him  down  the  front  steps  if  I  only  have 
one  leg  to  do  it  with. 

Im  ritin  this  in  the  Y.M.C.A.  in  the  afternoon 
cause  Im  goin  on  guard  tonite.  I  dont  see  why 
they  dont  make  it  a  permenant  detail  and  be  done 
with  it.  Someone  said  the  top  sargents  a  man 
of  one  idea.  I  guess  Im  the  idea.  I  didnt  go  out 
to  drill  this  afternoon.  I  didnt  say  nothin  to  the 
sargent  though  cause  sargents  have  an  idea  that 
if  they  dont  get  a  lot  of  fellos  to  go  out  to  drill 
with  them  they  dont  look  popular.  I  got  to  go 
now  SOS  to  get  in  my  tent  before  they  come  from 
drill.  As  ever 

on  guard, 

Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  would  have  rote  sooner  but  I  had  such  a  cold 
I  couldnt  say  nothin  for  most  a  weak. 

Well  Mable,  we  et  all  the  food  like  the  cook 
said  but  we  aint  in  France  yet.  I  guess  he  aint 
got  as  many  brains  as  he  said  he  had.  Everyone 
is  sore  at  him  cause  we  didnt  kick  at  none  of  his 
food  for  more  than  a  weak  thinkin  that  when  wed 
et  it  all  wed  go  away.  He  thinks  its  funny  an 
says  "Do  youse  guys  think  this  war  is  a  Cooks 
tour?  I  hate  fellos  what  tries  to  get  out  of  things 
by  bein  smart. 

Everythings  covered  with  mud  includin  me.  I 
seem  to  attract  mud  like  I  was  a  maggot,  Mable. 
Yesterday  I  spent  all  the  afternoon  shinin  up  for 
guard  SOS  to  be  the  Colonels  orderly.  Then  I 
step  out  of  the  tent  and  flui.  The  sargent  says, 
"Smith  dont  you  know  enuff  not  to  go  on  guard 
lookin  like  that?" 

I  even  got  mud  in  my  hair.  Max  Glucos  says 
when  he  combs  his  its  like  rakin  out  a  garden. 
From  what  I  seen  of  him  though  I  dont  see  how 
he  found  out. 

Its  pourin  rain  an  awful  cold.  Its  so  cold  that 
84 


'l   EVEN   GOT   MUD   IN    MY   HAIR" 


"the  water  comes  through  on  me" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     87 

the  tooth  past  rolls  right  offen  your  brush  In  the 
morning.  The  Captin  has  a  cold  In  his  nose. 
He  says  he  wont  take  the  men  out  in  such  bad 
wether  as  today.  Taint  nothin  against  him  Mable 
but  I  hope  he  has  a  cold  all  winter. 

Theres  a  hole  In  the  tent  over  my  cot  where 
the  water  comes  through  on  me.  I  put  a  slicker 
over  me  last  nite.  The  water  made  puddles  in 
It.  Then  when  I  turned  over  they  spilt  out  Into  my 
shoes.  This  had  me  guessin  Mable  till  finally  I 
put  Max  Glucoses  shoes  there  instead  of  mine. 
Angus  MacKenzIe  had  so  many  holes  over  his  cot 
that  it  looked  like  one  of  those  safety  fire  sprink- 
lers. He  got  up  last  nite  and  rigged  his  shelter 
half  sos  the  water  hit  it  an  run  down  onto  the  next 
cot.  Hes  a  brite  fello,  Angus,  even  if  he  is  a 
forener. 

The  other  day  he  had  some  medecine  for  a 
cold.  It  says  on  the  bottle  that  It  was  17  per 
cent  alcohol.  He  drank  the  whole  thing  right 
down  SOS  nobody  couldnt  get  hold  of  it.  It  made 
him  awful  sick  but  he  says  thats  because  he  isnt 
used  to  It  for  such  a  long  time.  Me  and  hims 
goln  down  next  week  to  put  In  a  stock  of  tonics. 

Its  aw'ful  hard  to  rite  letters,  Mable.  Some- 
bodys  always  fallin  over  your  feet  or  draggin 
something  wet  over  the  paper  if  youve  got  a  cot 
near  the  door  like  mine  is.     And  when  you  get 


88  DERE  MABLE 

goin  finally  at  about  the  fourth  try  some  sargent 
always  comes  in  with  a  list  and  makes  you  check 
up  something. 

Sometimes  I  go  over  to  the  Y.M.C.A.,  Mable. 
But  as  soon  as  you  get  ritin  a  bald  headed  fello 
jumps  up  an  says  "Now  fellos  well  all  sing."  All 
the  fellos  whats  ritin  looks  up  an  says  "Aw  one 
thing  and  another."  I  dont  know  who  the  bald 
headed  fello  is.  They  got  one  in  every  Y.M.C.A. 
They  all  look  about  alike.  I  guess  there  a  regular 
issue.  Theys  always  a  bunch  of  fellos  what  dont 
seem  to  kno  why  they  came.  They  all  start  sing- 
in.  Then  I  cant  rite  no  more  or  do  nothin.  So 
I  come  home  an  go  to  bed.  Independent.  Thats 
me  all  over,  Mable. 

Most  of  the  taxis  is  swalowed  up  In  the  mud. 
Theys  only  two  or  three  runnin  now.  Only  the 
big  strong  fellos  can  get  to  town.  The  cook  says 
its  the  old  theory  of  the  arrival  of  the  fittest.  But 
I  guess  you  dont  know  nothin  about  cience,  Mable. 
When  I  go  to  town  I  wrap  my  blouze  in  a  news- 
paper. If  they  know  your  goin  they  give  you  a 
list  of  things  to  get  that  looks  like  a  Chinese 
Message  to  Congress.  By  the  time  you  go  to 
come  home  you  got  so  many  bundles  you  look  like 
one  of  those  fellos  in  the  Funny  Papers.  Every- 
one stands  in  the  square  looking  like  a  hat  rack 
waitin  for  the  three  taxis  to  come  along.     When 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     89 

they  see  one  they  rush  it  like  they  do  in  the  movies 
when  the  milunares  cars  runs  over  the  poor  fellos 
kid.  If  goin  over  the  top  is  any  worse  than  get- 
tin  under  the  top  of  one  of  them  things  with  fifty 
bundles  an  as  many  fellos  then  Sherman  didnt 
know  many  swear  words,  eh  Mable?  But  thats 
history.     I  guess  you  wouldnt  understand. 

And  then  when  you  get  home  without  a  bath  or 
a  hair  cut  or  the  movies  or  nothin,  an  you  forgot 
to  get  that  shavin  soap  for  yourself  an  spent  all 
your  money  they  say  "Thanks  Bill.  Put  it  over 
there.  Can  you  change  a  ten  dollar  bill?"  There 
ought  to  be  a  law  against  makin  money  in  such 
big  numbers. 

Im  glad  youve  taken  up  singin  lessons  again. 
You  ought  to  take  a  lot  of  em.  I  got  a  favor  to 
ask.  I  dont  do  that  offen.  Proud.  Thats  me 
all  over.  But  if  that  fello  Broggins  keeps  buttin 
round  sing  for  him  Mable.  It  aint  askin  much 
with  me  down  here  defendin  you.  Although  1 
dont  see  why  I  had  to  come  down  here  to  do  it. 

Yours  internally, 

Bill 


Dere  Mahle: 

This  Is  the  last  time  I  will  ever  take  my  pen  in 
hand  for  you.     All  is  over  among  us. 

I  felt  it  comin  for  some  time  Mable.  Today 
among  some  letters  that  I  got  from  girls  was  one 
from  a  girl  what  knos  you  well.  She  told  me 
all  about  this  fello  Broggins.  She  says  you  take 
him  around  with  you  everywhere.  Thats  the  kind 
of  a  fello  I  thought  he  was,  Mable,  but  Im  sur- 
prized at  you.  She  says  your  awful  fond  of  him 
hes  so  cute.  I  aint  cute  an  aint  never  pretended 
to  be.  A  mans  man.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 
She  says  she  went  up  to  your  house  the  other  night 
an  he  was  sittin  in  your  lap  stickin  his  tongue  out 
at  my  pictur  on  the  mantlepiece.  After  that, 
Mable,  theres  nothin  to  say.  So  I  repeat,  its  all 
over  among  us. 

Im  returnin  today  by  parcels  post  the  red  sweter 
an  the  gloves  that  has  no  fingers  an  the  sox  that 
you  wear  over  your  head  an  your  pictur.  Most 
of  the  stuff  aint  been  used  much.  The  pictur  has 
some  mud  on  it  cause  I  had  to  keep  it  in  the  bot- 
tom of  my  barrak  bag  an  my  shoes  came  next. 
The  sox  I  cant  send  back  cause  I  sold  em  to  Joe 
Glucos  an  you  wouldnt  want  em  now. 

90 


"the  last  time   I  WILL  TAKE    MY  PEN   IN   HAND   FOR  YOU" 


"it  wont  be  no  use  runin  to  the  door" 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE     93 

The  stuff  that  you  sent  me  to  eat  I  havnt  kept. 
I  guess  you  wouldnt  want  that  anyway  Mable.  The 
stuff  that  your  mother  sent  me  Im  going  to  keep. 
She  wasnt  my  girl  an  she  didnt  have  to  send  all 
that  stuff  if  she  didnt  want  to. 

As  for  all  the  things  I  have  give  you,  Mable, 
keep  em.  I  dont  want  em  no  more.  I  aint  even 
goin  to  menshun  all  the  money  Ive  spent  on  you 
for  movies  an  sodas  an  the  Lord  knows  what  not. 
I  aint  the  kind  of  a  fello  to  throw  that  up  to  a 
fello  or  even  menshun  it  in  no  ways.  I  kept  track 
of  it  though  in  a  little  book.  It  comes  to  $28.27 
and  some  odd  sense. 

An  I  aint  agoin  to  hold  it  up  against  you  that  I 
been  savin  in  the  bank  for  most  two  years  sos  to 
have  a  little  somethin  towards  that  house  with 
the  green  blinds.  And  that  I  got  somethin  like 
$87.22  in  the  bank  if  you  can  believe  what  that 
eagle  beak  in  the  cage  rites  in  your  book.  All 
wasted  you  might  say,  when  you  think  of  the  fun 
I  might  have  had  with  it  in  the  last  two  years. 
Those  things  we'll  just  forget.  You  seem  to  have 
already. 

An  that  seasons  pass  I  got  for  you  for  the  Hap- 
pyhour  sos  you  could  keep  in  touch  with  things 
while  I  was  away.  Keep  that  and  take  Broggins. 
Otherwise  I  got  a  hunch  you  aint  goin  to  the 
movies  as  much  as  you  used  to. 


94  DERE  MABLE 

I  guess  this  will  hit  your  father  an  mother  pret- 
ty hard.  They  got  nobody  to  blame  but  your- 
self. On  the  other  hand  its  goin  to  please  some) 
girls  that  I  know.  So  its  a  poor  wind  that  dont 
blow  nobody  round  as  the  poets  say.  I  guess  you 
wont  here  much  about  the  poets  any  more,  Mable. 
About  all  youU  here  is  Broggins.  I  hate  a  man 
what  talks  about  himself. 

I  suppose  he  has  joined  the  Home  defence.  Are 
you  goin  to  have  a  military  weddin,  Mable? 

Im  kind  of  sorry  for  your  father.  If  you  have 
his  liver  on  your  hands  dont  blame  me.  You  know 
the  doctor  said  any  kind  of  a  shock  would  set  him 
off  a  mile. 

An  now,  Mable,  Im  closin  for  the  last  time.  It 
wont  be  no  use  runin  to  the  door  when  you  here 
the  postman  no  more  cause  he  wont  have  nothin 
but  the  gas  bill.  From  now  on  the  only  way  youU 
here  from  me  is  in  the  papers  perhaps  when  we 
get  over  there. 

Now  Im  going  to  ask  you  a  favor,  Mable,  for 
old  times  sake.  Take  the  pictur  I  had  taken 
polntin  to  the  American  flag  an  burn  it  up.  You 
cant  have  that  to  show  your  friends  no  more  an 
I  aint  goin  to  have  no  flat  foot  makin  faces  at  it. 
I  may  be  selfish,  Mable,  but  a  girl  cant  make  a 
cake  an  eat  it  too  as  the  old  sayin  is. 

Give  my  best  to  your  father  an  mother.     Tell 


LOVE  LETTERS  OF  A  ROOKIE      95 

em  I  slmpathlze  with  them  in  there  loss.  Its  no 
use  ritin  any  more  cause  Im  firm  as  the  rock  of 
Gibber  Alter.  Concrete.  Thats  me  all  over, 
Mable. 

as  ever 

yours  no  longer 

Bill 


rtuut  or  miviCE  liYwaot 


WESTEMi,  UNION 


TELl 


AM 


NCWCOMB  CAKLTON.  n*K4l5»<NT  Of  OROI  V 


I.  wifnrt  wici  mwMirt 


CL»M  Of  inivici 

tTMlOl, 

T»<r~ 

Onuu 

>^« 

m^M.o,. 

Nit 

MfMLaw 

IM. 

n  MM  e(  »M*    n/M   irmbdi 

RECDYEDAT    PhilopoUs*  B.  Tf- 

Miss  Mable  Gimp 
106  Main  Street 

Philopolis,  N,  T. 


Dere  Mable:  How  was  I  to  know 
Broggins  was  a  dog«  You  can  send 
baok  all  your  stuff  and  make  me  some 
more  if  you  want  to.  This  telegram 
is  costing  me  nine  cents  a  word  so  I 
cant  say  no  more  now.  Thrifty. 
Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

Bill. 


'THAT'S  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 


''Thats  Me  All 
Over,  Mable  " 


Dere  Mable: 

I  take  my  pen  In  hand  to  tell  you  what  do  you 
think  I  done  now?  I  left  the  infantry  an  gone 
back  into  the  artillery.  The  Captin  hated  to  let 
me  go.  He  said  the  Artillery  Colonel  ,was  a 
friend  of  his.  I  guess  thats  why  he  finally  said 
all  right.  It  wasnt  that  I  was  scared  of  the  In- 
fantry. I  guess  you  know  that  I  aint  scared  of 
anything  that  walks  on  two  legs  except  the  mea- 
sles. The  artlllerys  really  more  dangerous  than 
the  Infantry  cause  you  stand  in  one  place  so  they 
can  get  a  good  line  on  you  while  in  the  Infantry 
your  running  round  all  the  time. 

SeeIn  the  Captin  was  so  jealous  of  me  I  thought 
a  fello  with  brains  would  have  more  chance  over 
here.  I  tried  to  transfer  as  an  officer  but  the 
Captin  said  I  better  go  over  as  a  private  and  as 
soon  as  they  saw  what  kind  of  a  fello  I  was  theyd 
fix  me  all  right.     He  seemed  to  wake  up  a  little 

99 


100  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

when  he  saw  I  was  goln.  Im  going  to  put  in  my 
applicashun  for  an  officer  as  soon  as  I  get  a 
chance. 

I  didnt  go  back  to  the  same  battery  I  was  in 
before  cause  youll  remember  that  the  Captin  and 
I  didnt  get  along  very  well.  Couldnt  seem  to 
agree  on  nothin.  I  thought  it  would  be  pleas- 
anter  for  me  an  him  to  if  I  went  to  another  bat- 
tery. 

It  almost  seemed  like  they  was  waitin  for  me 
cause  the  day  after  I  came  over  they  hitched  up 
the  horses  and  drove  the  cannons  out  to  the  range. 
Its  kind  of  hard  to  explain  to  a  girl  like  you  what 
a  range  is.  The  only  way  I  can  explain  it  is  that 
it  aint  nothin  like  a  range.  There  aint  nothin 
here  but  mountins  and  we  can  fire  all  we  want 
without  hittin  nothin  but  the  mountins  and  once 
in  a  while  maybe  one  of  the  mountin  ears.  But 
they  say  there  so  tough  they  dont  mind  it  a  bit. 
Thats  a  funny  thing  about  artillery,  Mable.  The 
object  seems  to  be  not  to  hit  nothin.  The  day 
we  got  out  here  I  heard  the  Captin  say  "Well  Im 
glad  were  way  out  in  a  place  like  this  where  we 
don't  run  no  danger  of  hittin  nothin."  All  I  said 
was  "I  like  to  see  a  fello  careful  Captin,  but  if 
thats  all  your  worryin  about  you  needent  have 
taken  so  much  trouble."  The  longer  I  know 
Captins  the  less  I  understand  them. 


BILL. 


'  1/ 

\ 


^' : 


» /  \ 
•  \ 
'    * 


.    a»ti  BrctK 


"we  can  fire  all  we  want  without  hittin  nothin" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   103 

This  is  the  rainy  season.  The  south  is  a  won- 
derful country  for  wether  cause  everything  is 
divided  off  so  well.  There  is  three  seasons.  The 
cold  season,  the  hot  season  and  the  rainy  season. 
Thats  what  makes  the  place  so  good.  It  would 
be  awful  tiresome  if  you  was  always  freezin  to 
death,  or  always  soaked  or  always  bakein.  Now 
you  get  four  months  of  each.  It  makes  a  change 
for  a  fello. 

Theyve  put  me  on  the  speshul  detail.  The 
speshul  detail,  Mable,  Is  a  bunch  of  fellos  what 
knows  more  than  any  one  else  in  the  camp.  I 
sit  on  a  hill  all  day  with  a  little  telephone  in  a 
lunch  box  and  take  messages.  They  got  an  awful 
system  of  sending  messages  In  the  artillery.  Ill 
be  sittin  there  thinkin  of  you  an  waltin  for  lunch 
and  somebody  says  "Hello"  an  I  says  "Hello" 
just  like  a  regular  fone.  And  then  they  say 
"Heres  a  message  from  mmmmmmmm."  Its 
always  the  same  fello.  I  dont  know  who  he  Is. 
And  then  they  say  "Tell  Captin  mmmmmmmm 
to  mmmmmmmmm  at  once.  Please  repeat." 
And  then  I  repeat  and  whoever  it  is  says  "No, 
No"  and  you  dont  here  any  more.  I  guess  its 
some  kind  of  a  code  they  have.  I  dont  believe 
the  Captin  is  on  to  It  cause  you  ought  to  have 
heard  what  he  said  the  other  day.     I  guess  he 


104  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

was  talkin  about  the  fello  on  the  other  end.     I 
never  heard  your  father  do  better. 

Its  awful  dangerous  work  cause  where  I  sit 
aint  more  than  half  a  mile  from  the  shells.  If 
they  ever  put  a  curve  on  one  of  them  its  good 
night  Willie.  I  aint  scared  of  course.  I  just 
menshuned  it  sos  you  wouldnt  worry.  Ill  tell 
you  more  about  the  telefone  the  next  time.  I 
may  know  more  about  it  myself  then. 
Yours  till  they  curve  one 

Bill. 


"l   SIT  ON   A   HILL  ALL  DAY" 


Dere  Mahle: 

Were  still  up  at  the  artillery  range  shootln.  I 
dont  know  what  at.  Im  beginnin  to  think  nobody 
else  does  ether.  Our  guns  is  pointed  right  at 
some  woods.  Weve  been  shootin  at  those 
woods  now  for  a  week  and  havnt  hit  them 
yet.  We  always  seem  to  go  over  them.  Theres 
a  fello  stands  behind  the  guns  and  yells  things  all 
day  like  it  was  a  poker  game.  "Up  five,  up  ten." 
The  whole  thing  seems  like  an  awful  waste  of 
time  to  me.  Im  goin  to  suggest  that  we  tie  a 
couple  of  horses  to  a  tree  and  shoot  at  them. 
The  fellos  would  take  more  interest  in  there  work 
if  there  was  some  reward.  It  wouldnt  bother  the 
horses  much  if  we  cant  hit  the  woods  I  guess,  eh 
Mable?  They  can  use  my  horse.  If  Im  willin 
to  take  a  chance  he  ought  to  be. 

A  fello  told  me  the  other  day  that  these  torpe- 
toes  what  we  shoot  cost  as  high  as  twenty  dollars 
apiece.  I  dont  believe  that  though  or  theyd  be 
a  law  against  it.  I  guess  he  was  talking  about  the 
guns.  Im  going  to  take  a  couple  of  torpetoes 
back  to  camp  and  see  how  much  the  audience  de- 

107 


io8  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

partment  will  give  me  for  them.  Thrifty. 
Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

The  mountin  ears  come  over  and  watch  us.  I 
guess  the  moonshining  business  must  be  l.:x  this 
time  of  year.  A  moonshiner  makes  whisky  out 
of  corn.  Angus  MacKenzie  tried  to  make  some 
by  soaking  a  couple  of  ears  in  a  bucket  for  almost 
a  week.  It  didn't  taste  like  much  though  an 
made  us  kind  of  sick.  I  guess  you  have  to  have 
a  still  like  these  fellos  have.  They  call  it  a  still, 
Mable,  cause  they  have  to  use  it  on  the  quiet. 

The  mountin  ears  are  awful  fierce  with  big 
adams  apples  and  round  hair  cuts  when  they  have 
any.  They  have  family  foods.  I  guess  they  go', 
the  idea  from  the  movies,  Mable.  For  instance 
the  Turners  live  on  the  one  side  of  the  mountin 
and  the  Howards  on  the  other.  That  makes 
them  sore  so  they  shoot  each  other.  Accordin  to 
the  stories  they  only  shoot  each  other  when  they 
are  goin  to  church.  From  the  looks  of  them  I 
guess  they  made  that  rule  to  save  amunishun. 

Angus  an  I  went  out  last  Sunday  looking  for 
a  still.  We  thought  we  had  one  once  and 
watched  It  most  all  day  but  it  turned  out  to  be 
just  a  little  shack  where  they  sell  fig  newtons 
and  lemon  pop  to  the  fellos.  You  cant  fool 
Angus. 

The  more  I  see  of  the  army,  Mable,  the  more  I 


BiUBi-ccK 


'A    BUNCH   LYIN    UNDER   THE   TREES" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"  in 

think  its  an  awful  bluff.  I  heard  a  lot  of  talk 
when  I  first  came  up  about  a  gun  park.  I  thought 
it  would  be  a  nice  place  to  go  Sundays  and  have 
some  fun.  I  asked  the  Captin  if  there  was  a  lake 
where  a  fello  could  get  a  canoo  and  have  a  little 
paddle.  He  said  no  but  they  had  a  fine  collecshun 
of  animals.  I  didnt  see  nothin  of  no  park  when 
we  came  up.  I  spent  a  whole  Sunday  afternoon 
lookin  tor  it.  One  day  I  asked  the  sargent  where 
it  was  while  ^e  were  unhitchin.  He  said  we  were 
in  it  then.  It  isnt  nothin  but  a  big  field  without 
a  blade  of  grass  or  a  tree  and  just  the  guns  in 
the  middle.  I  told  him  if  he  thought  this  was  a 
park  he  ought  to  see  Weewillo  Park  home.  I 
guess  you  ought  to  know,  Mable,  I  paid  your  way 
in  often  enough. 

Its  like  those  picturs  you  see  stuck  around  Main 
Street  about  men  wanted  for  the  army.  Theres 
always  one  fello  playin  tunes  on  a  bugle,  an  a 
couple  of  fellos  playin  Old  Maid  on  a  table.  An 
off  in  the  corner  theres  always  a  bunch  lyin  under 
the  trees  like  the  High  School  tennis  team  having 
there  pictur  taken.  Now  that  isnt  the  kind  of 
thing  we  do  at  all,  Mable.  If  the  top  sargent 
ever  found  us  like  that  hed  swallo  his  whissle. 

I  had  a  run  in  with  the  Captin  last  week,  Mable. 
I  cant  seem  to  get  along  with  Captins.  High 
strung.     Thats  me   all  over.     Every  week  we 


112  ^THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

have  an  inspecshun  and  I  have  to  clean  the  whole 
gun  myself.  They  send  the  whole  bunch  down 
but  I  guess  Its  just  to  hand  me  things.  Like 
nurses  In  an  operation.  It  aint  much  fun  I  tell 
you.  When  the  Major  came  around  next  day  he 
opened  the  little  door  In  the  back  of  the  gun  and 
I  guess  he  saw  how  many  parts  there  was  to  keep 
clean  cause  he  says  "My,  what  an  awful  bore." 
The  Major  Is  all  right,  Mable.  He  likes  a  fello 
to  have  a  little  fun  once  In  a  while.  I  guess  he 
aint  never  been  a  Captln.  I  says  "Yes,  Major, 
it  certainly  Is,  an  nobody  knows  It  better  than  me 
cause  I  cleaned  the  whole  thing  myself."  He 
says  "Well  If  you  dont  do  somethin  about  it  next 
week  then  you  wont  have  nobody  to  blame  but 
yourself." 

I  took  the  hint  right  off  and  when  It  came  time 
to  clean  guns  for  the  next  inspecshun  I  got  a  horse 
and  rode  over  to  town  and  took  a  bath.  I  told 
the  Captln  afterwards  what  the  Major  had  told 
me  but  I  dont  think  he  would  care  If  General 
Perishing  had  asked  me  home  to  dinner.  Its 
what  he  wants.  To  tell  the  truth  I  think  he  was 
sore  cause  I  got  a  bath  an  he  didnt. 

Thats  a  funny  thing  about  the  army.  If 
theres  a  speck  of  dirt  on  the  old  guns  or  the  horses 
everyone  gets  an  awful  ballln  out.     But  if  a  fello 


"my,  what  an  awful  bore" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   115 

takes  a  little  time  to  wash  hisself  youd  think  he 
done  a  crime. 

Well  I  got  to  quit  now.  Im  goin  on  what 
Angus  MacKenzie  calls  a  still  hunt.  Thats  a 
skotch  joke. 

I  think  when  the  wars  over  111  marry  you  an  be 

a  mountin  ear.     They  dont  seem  to  have  nothin 

to  do  but  stand  round  with  there  hands  in  there 

pockets  and  watch  us  work.     Thats  a  nice  life, 

yours  till  then 

Bill 


Dere  Mahle: 

Spring  Is  come.  The  buds  is  stickin  out  on  the 
trees.  Pieces  of  tacksicabs  is  stickin  up  through 
the  mud  on  the  roads.  Yesterday  I  caught  a  fly. 
It  makes  a  fello  feel  romantic  somehow  or  other. 
Some  of  em  shines  there  shoes  and  rites  home 
oftener.  Some  has  even  had  there  picturs  taken. 
Max  Glucos  was  so  sure  spring  was  here  that  he 
got  usin  the  Sibly  stove  for  a  laundry  bag.  Then 
we  had  a  cold  night  and  Angus  MacKenzie 
thought  it  was  kindling.  Max  an  Angus  aint 
speakin  now.  Not  that  that  matters  much  though 
cause  they  never  said  much  when  they  did  talk. 

It  kind  of  makes  me  restless  Mable  when  I 
think  of  you  and  Main  St.  and  the  fello  with  the 
long  hair  in  Billings  and  Stover  what  used  to  make 
us  up  Sundays.  An  I  get  lonesome  for  Maple  st. 
with  you  an  me  sittin  at  one  end  of  the  piazza 
pretendin  we  was  listenin  to  your  father  readin 
the  newspaper  out  loud.  If  I  ever  get  old, 
Mable,  dont  let  me  read  the  newspaper  out  loud. 
An  do  you  remember  how  still  wed  have  to  sit 
SOS  the  hammok  wouldnt  squak  after  eleven 
o'clock  or  your  fatherd  stick  his  head  out  the  door 

ii6 


"the  fello  with  the  long  hair" 


'THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"  119 

an  say  that  if  I  didn't  have  a  home  you  did?  An 
how  wed  go  canooing  at  Weewillo  park  Saturday 
nights  and  stay  out  till  the  fello  that  hired  the 
boats  out  went  to  sleep.  I  was  always  a  good 
spender.  You  know  that,  but  thrifty.  Thats  me 
all  over,  Mable. 

I  was  comin  back  to  camp  the  other  night  and 
a  guard  stopped  me  and  says  "Who  goes  there?" 
an  I  says  without  thinkin  "Me  an  Mable  every 
Saturday  night."     Thats  the  way  I  am  now. 

Max  Glucos  says  poetry.  Spring  hits  him  that 
way.  Some  gets  hay  fever,  some  rash  and  others 
poetry.  He  says  one  thing  that  starts  "In  the 
spring  a  young  mans  fancy  vests  and  socks  come 
into  view."  He  says  a  fello  named  Burns  wrote 
it.  Angus  says  Burns  was  a  hot  skotch.  But 
I  guess  you  wouldnt  understand  that. 

Were  going  to  have  a  divishun  show.  Of 
course  every  body  in  the  divishun  isnt  goin  to  be 
in  it.  A  lot  of  them  has  to  be  detailed  to  watch 
it.  They  asked  me  what  I  could  do  and  I  said 
most  anything  but  Id  like  to  say  a  piece  called 
Gungadien.  Its  a  piece  I  came  across  in  a  book 
by  a  fello  I  never  heard  of  so  I  didnt  think  any 
of  the  fellos  would  know  it.  They  told  me  to 
report  at  the  mess  shack  an  theyd  fix  me  up. 
When  I  went  they  told  me  I  was  electrician  cause 
anybody  could  recite  pieces  but  they  had  to  have 


120  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

a  fello  with  a  bean  on  him  to  be  electrician. 
They  told  me  they  was  goin  to  hold  me  for  an 
emergency.  If  the  show  went  rotton  an  every- 
body got  throwin  things  then  theyd  send  me  out. 

Fellos  is  funny,  Mable.  Most  of  em  when  you 
ask  em  say  they  cant  do  nothin.  Then  if  they 
think  they  aint  goin  to  be  urged  they  say  there 
rotton  but  theyll  have  a  try  at  it.  Then  when 
they  get  down  rehersin  they  get  so  pleased  with 
themselves  they  dont  want  to  quit  an  give  nobody 
else  a  chance.  Its  part  of  the  electricians  job  to 
get  them  away  when  they  get  through.  One  fello 
plays  a  ukaylaly  and  sings  Howareyoun  songs. 
He  thinks  there  so  sad  that  he  almost  cries  every 
time.  We  think  so  too  but  it  makes  us  mad 
instead. 

Thank  your  mother  for  the  spring  tonic  she 
sent  me.  Its  funny  that  a  bottle  of  medicine  was 
the  first  thing  that  ever  came  through  the  post 
office  without  bein  in  pieces.  I  cant  say  much  for 
the  taste.  I  guess  thats  why  it  got  by  the  post 
office  so  well.  Your  mother  rote  me  to  take  it 
regular  cause  it  put  iron  in  my  blood.  Angus 
says  we  got  enough  stuff  to  lug  around  now  with- 
out ballisting  our  insides  with  iron.  After  he 
tasted  it  he  said  that  if  he  had  to  have  iron  in 
his  blood  hed  rather  swallo  a  couple  of  nails  and 


BiM    BrccR 


"he  thinks  there  so  sad  that  he  almost  cries" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   123 

let  them  dissolve  inside  him  than  take  them  pre- 
digested. 

Dont  send  me  no  more  nitted  things,  Mable. 
Its  gettin  hotter  every  day.  Next  winter  well  be 
in  France.  Its  nice  and  warm  there  all  the  time. 
Besides  Paris  is  a  pretty  fair  sized  town.  I  can 
run  in  any  time  and  get  what  ever  I  want.  Give 
my  regards  to  your  father.  I  hope  his  liver  is 
workin  again.  I  dont  suppose  he  is  by  any 
chance. 

yours  regardless 

Bill 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  got  arrested  for  a  week  up  at  the  artillery 
range.  That  aint  a  disgrace  like  bein  arrested  in 
the  city  though.  Down  here  some  of  the  nicest 
fellos  does  it.  There  aint  no  jale.  I  just  live  in 
a  different  tent.  I  guess  they  couldnt  think  of 
any  place  worse  to  live  in  than  a  tent.  Im  in 
with  a  good  crowd.  It  makes  a  nice  change  from 
drillin.  I  got  arrested  for  my  watch  bein  slow. 
That  shows  how  strict  they  are  in  the  army. 

While  we  was  firin  at  the  range  the  other  day  I 
was  sittin  on  a  hill  with  the  fone  takin  messages 
from  another  hill.  I  was  thinkin  of  you  an  gettin 
kind  of  dopy  when  some  one  says  over  the  fone 
"This  is  the  General."  I  says  "How  do  you  do 
sir."  Curteus.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable.  I 
guess  he  didnt  here  me  though.  He  says 
"Were  going  to  syncopate  our  watches."  That 
was  a  new  one  on  me  Mable.  I  was  goin  to  tell 
him  that  mine  didnt  need  it.  Its  the  one  your 
father  gave  me  an  its  been  runnin  in  ragtime  ever 
since  I  got  it. 

Then  he  says  "When  I  say  check  its  ten  fifty 
five   (10.55)."     I  thought  he  was  exceedin  his 

124 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"  125 

authority  but  I  didnt  say  nothin  an  when  he  said 
check  I  just  passed  it  over.  He  waited  a  minute 
and  then  he  says  "When  I  say  check  its  ten  fifty 
seven  (10.57)."  It  struck  me  that  I  might  have 
worked  that  out  myself  but  I  didnt  say  nothin. 
Then  he  says  after  a  minute.  "When  I  say  check 
its  ten  fifty  nine  ( 10.59) ."  Then  just  to  save  him 
trouble  I  says  "I  got  a  watch  myself  sir.  And  as 
a  matter  of  fact  your  five  minutes  fast."  I  guess 
I  was  slow.  But  as  I  say  bein  in  arrest  aint  no 
disgrace  like  bein  in  the  city. 

Im  going  to  ask  the  Captin  to  let  me  off  this 
telefone  job.  Whenever  they  dont  know  who  to 
let  out  on  they  let  out  on  the  telefone  man.  What 
they  want  is  a  mind  reader  not  a  fello  with  brains. 
The  other  day  the  Captin  says  "Lay  this  spool  of 
wire  up  that  hill."  He  handed  me  a  thing  that 
looked  like  a  trolly  cable  and  weighed  about  as 
much.  Then  he  went  home  to  read  the  paper  till 
I  came  back  and  told  him  it  was  done.  Thats  the 
way  with  Captins.  When  I  got  it  all  done  they 
go  and  say  to  the  Major  "I  laid  the  wire  up  the 
hill."  An  the  Major  says  "That  was  a  good  job, 
Captin.  You  must  be  tired.  Have  a  cigar." 
But  I  never  say  nothin.  Thats  me  all  over, 
Mable. 

I  took  the  wire  like  he  said  and  laid  it  under  a 
bush  on  top  of  the  hill  sos  nobody  could  swipe  it. 


126  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

When  I  came  down  I  showed  him  where  It  was  on 
a  little  pictur  I  drew  him.  An  to  here  him  talk 
youd  think  hed  never  asked  me  to  take  It  up  the 
hill  at  all. 

Yesterday  we  was  firin  Into  the  middle  of  a 
field  where  there  wasnt  a  livln  thing  to  hit  as  far 
as  I  could  see.  If  the  Captin  had  to  pay  for  these 
torpetoes  I  bet  hed  be  more  careful  of  them.  He 
was  awful  excited  though.  He  came  up  an  gave 
me  a  lot  of  numbers  to  fone  to  his  battery.  He 
didn't  say  what  to  do  with  them  an  nothin  hap- 
pened. That  got  him  sore.  It  aways  does. 
Captlns  thinks  you  ought  to  know  what  to  do  with- 
out tellln  you.  He  started  to  take  It  out  on  me 
bein  the  nearest.  He  says  "Get  somethin  off 
quick.  Hurry  up.  Get  somethin  off  quick."  So 
just  to  humor  him  I  took  off  my  shirt  as  he  hadnt 
specified.  You  cant  do  nothin  right  for  a  man 
like  that  though. 

Im  learnln  a  lot  about  cannons  an  there  habits. 
There  like  horses.  When  you  first  get  them  there 
wild.  The  Captin  told  me  that  every  other  bat- 
tery but  his  was  awfully  wild.  He  has  trouble 
with  his  though  cause  the  other  day  they  telefoned 
up  that  theyed  just  broken  one  of  his  guns.  I 
guess  he  likes  em  better  wild  cause  he  got  awful 
sore.  But  you  couldnt  do  anything  right  for  the 
Captin. 


"they  get  awful  fat,  of  course" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   129 

You  ought  to  see  the  Major,  Mable.  A  major 
Is  a  fello  that  only  comes  round  once  a  week.^ 
They  get  awful  fat  of  course.  Ours  is  taller  in 
bed  than  he  is  standin  up.  I  guess  he  is  the  kind 
of  thing  they  have  in  mind  when  they  say  "not 
to  be  taken  into  the  front  line  trenches." 

Im  goin  to  send  you  one  of  the  torpetoes  they 
shoot  out  of  the  guns.  There  lyin  all  over  the 
lot.  As  far  as  I  can  see  there  just  as  good  as 
new.  The  Captin  said  not  to  touch  any  of  em 
case  they  mightent  have  exploded  and  was  liable 
to  go  off  when  you  handled  them.  I  asked  them 
where  they  was  goin  to  but  he  couldnt  see  a  joke 
if  you  hit  him  with  it.  Im  not  takin  no  chances 
though  Mable.  I  always  carry  a  hammer  and  I 
pound  each  one  of  them  good  before  I  pick  em  up. 

Im  beginning  to  think  all  this  stuff  about  the 
mountin  ears  bein  wild  is  a  lot  of  fake.  I  been 
out  with  Angus  MacKenzie  three  times  huntin 
stills  an  the  nearest  thing  we  found  to  one  was 
a  fello  what  sold  Bevo.  An  they  dont  seem  to  be 
very  wild.  They  come  round  and  get  our  dirty 
wash  every  day  or  two  and  the  only  wild  thing 
is  me  when  they  bring  it  back.  They  all  seem 
to  be  mixed  up  on  the  shavin  regulashuns.  They 
all  shave  there  necks  and  let  there  wiskers  grow. 

Well,  Mable,  pretty  soon  well  be  coming  back 
from  the  range  an  goin  into  town  again.     I  been 


130  "THATS  ME  ALL  0\  ER,  MABLE" 

away  so  long  I  bet  William  S.  Hart  has  grown 
a  beard.  When  you  rite  I  wish  youd  look,  up 
and  see  when  lent  is  sos  I  could  give  up  a  little 
somethin.  The  way  a  fello  loses  track  of  national 
holidays  down  here  is  awful. 

Give  my  regards  to  your  mother  and  as  far  as 
Im  concerned  to  your  father  to. 

Yours  till  better  times 

BilL 


THEY  COME  AND  GET  OUR  DIRTY  WASH" 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  aint  arrested  no  more.  Im  back  to  work 
again.  I  aint  worrying  though  cause  if  things 
keeps  on  the  way  there  goin  111  be  arrested  again 
pretty  soon.  I  know  now  why  they  call  it  arrest. 
No  drill  or  nothin.  All  a  fello  has  to  do  all  day 
is  go  around  with  a  pick  and  shovel  and  dig. 

Were  still  firin  away  at  the  range  but  we  havnt 
hit  it  yet.  If  they  keep  firin  amunishun  around 
much  longer  they  wont  have  nothin  left  to  fire  at 
the  Germans  but  the  guns.  Eh  Mable?  Thats 
the  kind  of  thing  Im  always  sayin  in  line.  Keeps 
the  fellos  from  gettin  depresed. 

I  learned  one  thing  about  artillery.  It  aint  as 
dangerous  as  I  thought.  They  fire  at  what  they 
call  a  target  but  it  aint  like  any  target  I  ever  saw. 
It  aint  got  circles  round  it  or  nothin.  Every  time 
they  shoot  they  make  a  little  dot  on  a  piece  of 
paper  to  show  where  the  torpeto  hit.  The  idea 
seems  to  be  to  hit  all  around  the  target  but  never 
to  land  one  on  top  of  it.  If  I  was  out  there  Id 
make  a  bee  line  for  the  target  and  sit  tight  till 
it  was  all  over.  Then  someone  says  "The  center 
of  impact  hit  the  target  clean  as  a  whissle."     And 

133 


134  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

they  all  seem  awful  pleased.  From  all  Ive  seen 
if  the  Germans  will  only  land  me  on  the  head  with 
a  center  of  impact  I  wont  feel  Ive  got  any  kick 
coming. 

I  was  out  with  Angus  MacKenzie  on  a  still  hunt 
an  an  autymobile  came  along  what  belonged  to  a 
fello  what  had  two  sons  in  the  army.  I  could  tell 
cause  it  had  a  flag  on  the  front  with  two  stars 
on  it.  It  stopped  in  front  of  us.  The  fello 
what  owned  it  belonged  to  the  cavalry  cause  he 
had  a  yello  hat  cord  on.  He  leaned  out  and  says 
"Dont  you  see  that  flag?"  I  says  "yes,  sir,  I  was 
just  simpathizing  with  em."  That  kind  of  went 
home  I  guess  cause  he  got  red  an  says  "You  re- 
port this  thing  to  your  battery  commander  imme- 
deately."  So  when  I  got  home  I  told  him  that  a 
fello  what  owned  a  big  car  had  two  sons  in  the 
army.  I  had  to  call  him  out  from  mess  to  tell 
him  an  he  says  what  the  this  that  and  the  other 
did  he  care.  If  you  do  what  your  told  you  get 
in  trouble  and  if  you  dont  you  do  to. 

The  Captins  gone  to  Fort  Silly  now  to  learn 
somethin.  I  just  told  Angus  MacKenzie  I 
thought  bed  get  more  at  Fort  Levenworth.  But 
thats  a  tecknickle  joke,  Mable.  Of  course  you 
wont  get  it.  I  guess  the  Lieutenant  thought  he 
was  in  the  audience  department  or  somethin  cause 
right  away  after  the  Captin  left  he  came  down  and 


"it  aint  as  dangerous  as  I  thought" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   137 

said  now  he  was  goin  to  make  a  battery  out  of 
us.  I  told  him  I  knew  where  there  was  a  good 
dry  cell  just  above  New  York.  That  fello 
wouldnt  laff  though,  Mable,  if  Joe  Miller  his- 
self  told  him  a  joke.  All  he  thinks  of  is  smoothin 
out  horses. 

The  feelin  between  me  and  the  horses  seems  to 
grow  worse  every  day,  Mable.  I  think  my  horse 
has  got  me  mixed  up  with  somebody  else.  I 
never  did  nothin  to  him  except  bring  him  down 
some  of  my  breakfast  one  morning.  The  sar- 
gent  is  always  tellin  me  to  pick  up  his  feet.  I  tell 
him  theres  no  call  for  that.  He  seems  to  be  able 
to  do  it  pretty  well  all  by  hisself.  He  has  em  in 
the  air  most  of  the  time  when  Im  around. 

He  kept  pesterin  me  though  till  the  other  day 
I  thought  Id  show  him  I  could  do  it.  I  put  his 
front  foot  through  the  spokes  of  a  wheel  and 
tied  it  then  grabbed  the  back  one  and  gave  an 
awful  heave.  Its  a  way  Ive  worked  out  for 
handlin  bad  horses.  I  figured  hed  have  to  be 
pretty  good  to  stan  on  one  leg  and  kick  me  with 
the  other.  But  when  he  found  he  couldnt  kick 
me  he  lay  down  on  top  of  me.  Mean,  111  tell  the 
world. 

Now  the  stable  sargent  says  I  hurt  the  horse. 
Thats  stable  sargents  all  over.  If  the  horse  had 
bit  my  head  off  hed  have  thought  it  was  an  awful 


138  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

joke.  All  I  say  is  that  Im  not  as  strong  as  a 
horse  even  if  I  did  win  a  lot  of  cups  at  high  school 
an  if  I  can  stand  on  to  legs  a  horse  can  to  only 
hes  to  lazy. 

Max  Glucos  and  Angus  and  me  goes  over  to 
see  the  mountin  ear  what  sells  Bevo  once  in  a 
while.  Were  tryin  to  catch  him  some  day  when 
hes  wild.  He  aint  been  wild  so  far  ceptin  one 
day  when  we  forgot  to  pay  him.  Angus  says 
they  only  get  wild  certain  times  of  the  year. 
Angus  wont  drink  Bevo.  He  says  it  looks  the 
same  and  tastes  the  same  but  it  aint  got  the 
same  influence  with  him. 

The  mountin  ears  hate  niggers.  This  one  has 
been  tryin  to  get  us  to  go  on  what  he  calls  a  coon 
hunt  ever  since  we  been  up  here.  Were  goin 
with  him  this  week.  They  hunt  them  at  night. 
I  suppose  thats  so  you  cant  see  them  so  well.  He 
takes  the  dogs  sos  they  can  smell  the  coon.  I 
guess  the  mountin  ears  got  a  cold.  The  coon 
climbs  a  tree,  then  you  cut  the  tree  down  and  then 
the  coon  of  course  has  to  come  down  to.  I  won- 
der what  they  do  with  them  when  they  get  them. 
It  seems  foolish  to  go  to  all  that  trouble  when 
you  can  find  a  dozen  of  them  in  every  little  house 
you  come  to. 

Angus  has  got  a  rubber  bath  tub  sent  him.  He 
thinks  its  great  cause  you  can  fold  it  so  small  it 


"ANGUS  LIKES  IT  CAUSE  HE  CAN  SIT  DOWN  IN  IX" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   141 

goes  in  your  pocket.  Who  wants  to  carry  a  bath 
tub  in  there  pockets  ?  I  guess  its  a  skotch  custom. 
Perhaps  they  take  it  out  while  there  waiting  for 
a  street  car  and  take  a  bath,  Angus  likes  it  cause 
he  can  sit  down  in  it.  When  he  does  it  fits  him 
like  it  was  tailor  made.  All  the  rest  of  the  bath 
slides  off  him  onto  the  floor  or  into  my  shoes. 

Well  Mable  I  got  to  quit  now  and  help  out  one 
of  the  sargents  what  has  a  job  cleanin  some  har- 
ness. Hes  a  nice  fello  and  he  asked  me  to  come 
down  about  two  hours  ago.  I  guess  111  go  down 
now  and  see  if  there  through.  Willin.  Thats 
me  all  over. 

yours  patrioticaly 

Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

Its  so  foggy  that  we  cant  fire  at  the  range.  I 
dont  see  what  difference  that  makes  though.  I 
havnt  seen  nothin  since  we  started  but  a  bunch  of 
trees  in  front  of  the  guns.  Im  goin  to  rite  you 
a  letter  if  the  top  sargent  dont  remember  that 
he  aint  put  me  on  no  detail.  We  leave  the  guns 
out  all  night.  Just  sos  well  have  somethin  more 
to  guard  I  guess.  Were  supposed  to  take  turns 
guarding.  As  far  as  I  can  make  out  that  means 
me  and  the  rest  of  the  battery  altercate  every 
other  night.  I  suppose  they  think  some  of  the 
mountin  ears  is  goin  to  take  one  of  the  guns  and 
go  drivin  with  it.  Angus  MacKenzie,  the  skotch 
fello,  says  they  have  to  guard  em  sos  they  wont 
go  off.  That  sounds  kind  of  silly  to  me  though, 
Mable. 

I  been  raisin  a  mustash.  That  is  I  was  till 
yesterday  when  I  cut  it  off  while  I  was  shavin  and 
thinkin  of  you.  I  was  sorry  cause  it  was  comin 
good.  You  could  see  it  as  plain  as  day  with  the 
naked  eye.  (Thats  just  an  expreshun,  Mable.) 
In  a  couple  of  places  I  could  catch  hold  of  it. 
They  say  nothin  grows   very  good  down  here, 

14a 


"if  the   top   SARGENT   DONT   REMEMBER" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   145 

though,  but  cotton.  I  guess  111  wait  until  I  get  to 
France. 

The  Lieutenant  told  us  today  that  when  we 
got  over  there  wed  all  have  to  read  meters.  I 
cant  see  what  thats  got  to  do  with  artillery.  That 
used  to  be  Max  Glucoses  business  though.  Hes 
teaching  me  how.  He  thinks  maybe  if  we  study 
theyll  make  us  meter  spechulists.  Spechulists 
dont  have  to  get  up  so  early.  Angus  says  he 
thinks  they  put  meters  on  the  gas  shells.  That 
shows  how  systumatic  they  are. 

And  they  say  there  goin  to  give  us  Infield  rifles. 
I  think  they  got  it  mixed  up  with  base  ball.  It 
seems  as  though  when  you  join  the  artillery  you 
join  everything  else  at  the  same  time.  I  suppose 
the  next  thing  theyll  do  is  learn  us  a  little  navi- 
gashun. 

Ive  started  savin  again  Mable  for  the  little 
white  house  with  the  green  blinds.  Last  month 
I  saved  a  dollar  eighty  six  ($1.86).  That  with 
five  dollars  ($5)  I  borrowed  from  Joe  Loomis 
makes  almost  seven  ($7)  dollars.  I  aint  the  kind 
of  a  fello  thats  always  bothering  his  girl  with 
money  matters.  I  believe  in  keepin  business  out  of 
the  home.  Close.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 
But  in  the  bigger  things  I  think  you  ought  to  know 
how  we  stand. 

We   may  have  to   go   at  the  house   kind   of 


146  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

gradual.  Buy  the  blinds  first  say.  But  theys  one 
thing  about  it.  Ive  been  ruffing  it  so  long  in  the 
army  that  there  aint  no  kind  of  hardship  thatU 
bother  me. 

The  mountin  ears  has  funny  customs,  Mable, 
and  yello  dogs  without  any  stummucks.  Angus 
an  I  was  out  ridin  last  Sunday  lookin  for  a  still  an 
got  cold.  We  stopped  at  a  cabin  an  a  fello  came 
out  with  a  round  hair  cut  an  says  "Howdy  boys, 
wont  ye  light  an  strip?"  Angus  says  that  he 
didnt  have  no  figger  for  that  but  wed  come  in  an 
get  warm.     Eh  Mable? 

Once  in  a  while  when  we  cant  eat  what  the 
cook  gives  us  which  is  most  of  the  time  we  go 
down  the  road  to  a  mountin  ears  wife  what  makes 
pan  cakes.  She  always  carries  a  kid  under  her 
arm  like  an  over  coat.  It  looks  as  if  the  kids 
head  was  on  the  stove  most  of  the  time.  Angus 
says  she  greases  the  griddle  with  it.  I  dont  know 
about  that,  but  the  mountin  ears  is  awful  tough 
people. 

Me  an  some  of  the  other  fellos  went  to  a 
mountin  ears  party  in  a  little  town  near  here  the 
other  night.  There  was  a  lot  of  girls  there  with 
funny  noses.  When  they  saw  us  they  all  ran  in 
a  corner  and  laffed  at  us.  That  made  me  kind 
of  sore  cause  we  hadnt  invited  ourselves  but  been 
ast.     The  lady  that  ast  us  said  the  girls  had  there 


'she  always  carries  a  kid  under  her  arm" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   149 

old  close  on  and  was  ready  for  anything.  We 
played  old  maid  till  half  past  nine.  Then  the 
lady  what  ast  us  brought  in  a  bowl  of  apples  and 
our  hats.  She  said  the  girls  was  all  nice  and  they 
couldnt  galyvant  round  all  night  and  get  talked 
about. 

The  Lieutenant  told  us  that  In  a  couple  of  weeks 
the  whole  artillery  brigade  is  comin  up  an  there 
goin  to  have  a  garage  fire.  I  told  him  if  he  knew 
about  it  so  far  ahead  that  there  wasnt  no  excuse 
for  such  a  thing.  Though  I  should  think  that 
would  be  all  a  garage  would  be  good  for  around 
here.  You  cant  tell  the  Lieutenant  nothin  though 
since  the  Captin  went  to  Fort  Silly  to  learn  some- 
thing and  left  him  in  charge  of  the  battery.  I 
think  the  authority  has  gone  to  his  head.  Angus 
says  its  gone  where  its  least  crowded. 

I  read  the  other  day,  Mable,  that  there  makin 
the  cups  rough  on  the  bottom  now  so  youU  think 
theres  sugar  In  them.  They  cant  fool  me  though. 
Quick.     Thats  me  all  over. 

Dont  feel  you  got  to  stop  nittin  me  things  just 
because  I  cant  use  them  now.  You  cant  tell  when 
well  have  another  winter.  Besides  it  gives  you 
somethin  to  think  about  when  you  sittin  talkin. 

Im  sending  you  a  new  piece  on  the  phoney- 
graph  that  I  got  in  the  ten  cent  store.  Its  called 
"look  out  Germany,  I  am  comin."     It  gives  you 


150  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

an  idea  of  the  way  I  feel.     I  got  to  stop  now  an 
go  an  see  some  fellos  in  another  battery.     I  just 
herd  the  top  sargent  blow  his  whissle. 
yours  till  I  rite  again 

Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  would  have  rote  you  before  this  only  the 
fellos  In  my  tent  Is  too  tite  to  buy  any  paper.  It 
wouldnt  take  much,  though,  to  tell  you  what  I 
been  doln.  If  I  ever  rote  a  book  about  my  ad- 
ventures same  as  that  fellow  Empty  what  rote 
the  book  called  "Over  the  top  and  go  to  Hell" 
It  would  run  In  competeshun  with  the  Manual  of 
Inferior  Guard.  Im  gettin  so  I  can  only  sleep 
four  hours  at  a  time.  The  only  trouble  is  that 
it  works  the  other  way.  When  I  do  happen  to 
miss  a  day  not  bein  on  guard  I  have  to  go  to  sleep 
after  I  work  for  two  hours.  Of  course  that  Inter- 
feres with  the  drill  skedule,  Mable,  but  you  cant 
explain  nothing  to  a  top  sargent. 

I  overslept  the  other  mornln.  I  didn't  here  the 
horn.  I  dont  see  how  they  expect  a  fello  to  here 
the  horn  if  hes  a  sleep.  If  he  herd  It  hed  be 
awake.  I  got  out  before  they  started  firin  anyway. 
I  had  to  go  without  breakfast  to  do  it.  I  wasnt 
goln  to  complain  about  that,  though.  Soldierin 
every  minit.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable.  The 
Lieutenant  got  awful  sore.  I  guess  he  was  mad 
cause  hed  got  up  earlier  than  he  had  to.      He  said 

151 


152  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

he  was  goln  to  prefer  charges  and  asked  me 
what  I  had  to  say.  I  told  him  every  man  to  his 
taste  and  if  he  was  askin  my  opinion  Id  prefer  to 
go  back  to  bed.  Awful  excitable  fello,  the  Lieu- 
tenant. 

I  saw  a  letter  on  the  tops  desk  yesterday  about 
the  meddles  a  fello  can  get  now.  Theys  all  kinds 
of  different  ones.  Somes  from  Congress  and 
somes  from  the  Ward  Apartment.  Im  goin  to 
rite  my  congresman  as  soon  as  I  finish  this  letter 
and  get  a  bunch  of  them.  Of  course  I  wouldnt 
wear  them  till  I  do  somethin  pretty  good  but  I 
figure  out  that  itll  take  so  long  to  get  em  over 
there  that  it  would  be  better  to  get  em  now  and 
take  em  over  with  me. 

Im  goin  to  tell  the  congresman  to  that  as  far 
as  Im  concerned  Id  like  to  go  to  France  as  soon 
as  I  can.  Its  gettin  nice  and  warm  now  for 
travelin.  I  want  to  see  the  Champs  Eliza. 
Thats  a  street  in  Paris  that  was  named  after 
Queen  Elizabeth.  But  thats  history,  Mable,  I 
dont  suppose  you  understand.  They  tell  me  its 
even  better  lookin  than  Broadway  or  Fortysecond 
(42nd)  street. 

I  saw  in  the  Sarahcuse  papers  that  they  thought 
the  artillery  was  goin  there  to  expand.  If  I  ex- 
pand any  more,  Mable,  Im  going  to  bust  my  belt. 
I  dont  know  why  it  is.     I  dont  eat  nothin  outside 


"X  DONT   EAT    NOTHIN    OUTSIDE    OF   MEAL   HOURS    EXCEPTIN    A    FEW   PIES" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   155 

of  meal  hours  exceptin  a  few  pies  and  the  like 
but  I  get  fatter  and  fatter.  I  never  think  of  eatin 
when  Im  not  hungry  like  some  fellos.  A  fello 
what  does  that  is  makin  a  pig  out  of  hisself  I 
think. 

Angus  MacKenzie,  the  skotch  fello,  was  out 
guardin  the  guns  with  me  the  other  night.  He 
went  to  sleep  on  an  aunt  hill.  I  guess  the  aunts 
thought  he  was  a  new  mountin  or  somethin  cause 
they  was  all  standin  on  him  the  next  mornin.  To 
look  at  the  sunrise  I  says,  eh  Mable?  Angus 
didnt  seem  to  care  though.  He  says  Napoleun 
had  the  same  thing  happen  to  him  and  was  always 
tellin  how  an  army  traveled  on  his  stummick, 
Nepoleun,  Mable,  is  the  fello  that  Washington 
licked.  They  named  that  three  colored  ice  cream 
after  him. 

All  day  long  while  were  firin,  Mable,  a  fello 
from  Brigade  headquarters  stands  near  the  guns 
and  looks  through  a  big  glass  with  horns  on  it. 
I  guess  hes  to  lazy  to  hold  it  hisself  so  he  brings 
out  camera  legs  and  puts  them  under  it.  He 
looks  through  the  glass  and  seems  to  see  a  lot  of 
numbers  that  he  tells  to  a  fello  what  stands  be- 
side him.  I  dont  see  where  he  sees  them.  I 
looked  through  the  glass  the  other  day  while  he 
was  eatin  lunch  and  I  couldnt  see  a  thing  except 
the  side  of  the  hill.     Then  he  came  back  and 


156  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

looked  through  it  and  read  off  a  string  of  them. 
The  fello  beside  him  rites  down  everything  he 
says.  I  looked  over  his  shoulder  the  other  day. 
It  looked  more  like  a  Jewish  curse  to  me  than 
anything  else. 

The  Lieutenant  came  down  the  other  day  and 
told  us  to  get  all  shined  up  cause  the  Sanitary  in- 
spector was  comin  out  to  look  us  over.  I  thought 
hed  be  all  dressed  up  in  white  with  white  tennis 
shoes  like  fancy  bakers  and  sanitary  barber  shops. 
He  wasnt  though.  He  just  had  on  a  regular 
uniform.  I  didnt  think  he  was  speshully  sanitary. 
It  may  have  been  sunburn  though.  I  couldnt  tell 
from  where  I  stood. 

He  had  a  fello  with  him  they  said  was  from 
the  audience  department.  I  know  now  why  they 
call  it  the  audience  department.  All  they  do  is 
come  round  and  watch  us  work.  Thats  a  branch 
I  didnt  know  about  till  after  Id  joined  this. 

Well,  Mable,  I  got  to  quit  now  and  go  and 
look  at  the  Guard  rooster  to  see  if  I  answer  sick 
call  tomorrow  mornin.  They  say  the  Germans 
is  raisin  the  dickins.  I  wish  theyd  hurry  up  and 
get  me  over  there. 

yours  eternally, 
in  haste 

Bill. 


I  COULDNT  SEE   A  THING   EXCEPT  THE  SIDE  OF  THE  HILL" 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  thought  Id  rite  you  and  let  you  know  they 
wasnt  nothing  particular  to  say.  Theyve  called 
off  the  firin  for  a  few  days  till  they  can  get  some 
more  amunlshun.  If  theyd  only  scatter  a  few 
Germans  out  there  It  wouldnt  be  such  an  awful 
waste.  Ive  fired  so  much  now  I  guess  I  could  fire 
anything.  Tell  your  mother  the  first  thing  Im 
going  to  do  when  I  get  home  is  fire  the  cook. 
Same  old  card,  eh  Mable? 

Its  nice  and  warm  here  now.  We  havnt  used 
the  Sibly  stove  for  a  week  exceptin  to  keep  our 
dirty  wash  in.  An  old  nigger  comes  round  once 
a  week  and  takes  It  out.  I  cant  figger  that  nigger 
out,  Mable.  From  the  looks  of  the  wash  he 
brings  back  he  thinks  I  only  got  one  leg  and  from 
the  looks  of  the  bill  he  hands  me  he  thinks  Im  a 
sentapeed.  Angus  says  hes  not  all  there  hisself. 
Thats  why  he  loses  so  much. 

We  had  a  boxing  fight  the  other  night.  The 
Lieutenant  says  they  increase  the  moral.  I  dont 
think  they  do  the  non  coms  no  good  though  when 
they  see  the  wallop  some  of  the  fellos  In  their 
squad  has  got.     Joe  Loomis  has  been  talkin  so 

159 


i6o  'THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

much  about  how  he  could  lick  the  whole  divishun 
with  one  hand  behind  his  back  that  we  got  him  to 
go  in.     I  put  some  money  on  him  at  his  advice. 

I  guess  he  made  his  mistake  in  not  tyin  his 
hand.  Somebody  told  me  he  was  fast.  He  was. 
He  outran  the  other  fello  all  the  way.  Angus 
says  they  ought  to  make  speshul  fighting  rings 
with  banked  corners  sos  fighters  could  make  better 
time. 

Joe  thinks  he  won  yet.  He  says  if  he  hadnt 
slipped  and  fell  out  of  the  ring  on  his  elbow  hed 
have  nocked  that  fellos  head  offen  his  shoulders 
so  hard  it  would  have  hurt  somebody.  Im  glad 
I  borrowed  the  money  I  bet  on  him.  It  might 
have  been  a  total  loss. 

Im  going  to  ask  the  Lieutenant  to  make  me 
a  bugler,  Mable,  sos  I  can  find  where  buglers  go 
between  meals.  Nobody  ever  sees  a  bugler  ex- 
cept at  mess  and  on  payday.  Ive  asked  a  lot  of 
fellos  but  nobody  knows  what  becomes  of  them. 
I  wouldnt  want  to  be  a  bugler  all  the  time.  Its 
two  much  strain  on  a  fellos  face.  As  soon  as  I 
find  out  where  they  go  111  transfer  back  "as  a 
fighter. 

I  went  into  town  the  other  night,  Mable,  and 
went  to  a  dinner  that  me  and  a  lot  of  other  fellos 
was  ast  to.  I  sat  next  to  a  lady  what  didnt  seem 
to  have  much  on  but  a  lot  of  jewels  as  far  as  I 


"he  outran  the  other  fello" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   163 

could  see.  Of  course  she  was  sittin  at  the  table, 
Mable.  I  looked  the  other  way  all  the  time  I 
was  talkin  to  her  cause  I  didnt  want  to  embarass 
her.  I  was  going  to  offer  her  my  coat  but  I  didnt 
see  why  I  should  take  cold  if  she  wanted  to. 

We  didnt  taHc  much.  Once  she  looked  at  me 
for  a  long  time  and  then  says  "You  know,  Mr. 
Smith,  every  time  I  take  a  hot  bath  I  feel  very 
guilty."  All  I  said  was  "Because  youre  not  shar- 
ing it  with  somebody  I  suppose."  Then  we 
didnt  talk  much  again. 

There  was  a  lady  across  the  table  with  turtle- 
hide  eye  glasses  what  was  collectin  things  for  the 
sufferin  in  the  Palacestein.  I  asked  her  why  she 
didnt  put  an  add  in  the  paper  askin  everybody  to 
send  in  there  old  brown  derbies.  Nobody  got  it 
though.  I  was  the  only  one  at  the  whole  table 
that  a  got  a  laugh  out  of  it. 

Angus  MacKenzie,  the  skotch  fello  was  there. 
He  says  he  likes  that  kind  of  a  party.  He  is 
always  full  of  get  up  and  go  from  the  minute  he 
gets  there. 

I  never  saw  so  many  dying  relatives  in  my  life 
as  is  comin  by  telegram  every  day.  Have  you 
got  an  epidermic  or  somethin  up  north,  Mable? 
It  seems  as  if  everybody  I  know  had  been  home 
at  least  once  to  help  his  grandmother  die.  None 
of   em   seem  to   care   much   for  their   relatives, 


i64  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

though,  from  the  way  they  act  when  there  startin 
home  to  watch  them  pass  away.  I  asked  the 
Lieutenant  for  a  furlo.  He  wouldnt  give  it  to 
me.  Got  it  in  for  me  just  like  the  Captin  did. 
I  wish  youd  telegraph  him  that  you  died  quietly 
and  couldnt  I  come  up  for  the  funeral  "on  or 
about"  the  middle  of  the  month. 

While  we  was  firin  at  the  range  the  other  day  a 
couple  of  fellos  rode  out  by  the  targets  lookin  for 
shells.  It  was  the  first  time  wed  seen  anything 
worth  while  firin  at.  Everybody  was  right  on 
there  toes.  I  guess  the  Lieutenant  didnt  see  em 
though  cause  he  had  us  cease  firin.  Dopy. 
Thats  the  way  he  is  all  the  time.  I  dont  see  how 
were  ever  going  to  learn  nothin  if  we  dont  ceaze 
our  opportunities. 

I  dont  guess  theres  any  use  in  my  askin  you  if 
your  havin  a  good  time.  I  dont  see  how  you 
could  be  under  the  circumstances.  Just  make  the 
best  of  it  Mable  and  as  soon  as  me  and  the  rest 
of  the  fellos  can  get  things  straightened  out  III 
come  back  and  paint  the  canoe  again, 
until  then 

yours  faithfully 

Bill, 


am  Br€t,K 


•   /•':"• 


1 


"l   SAT   NEXT   TO   A   LADY  WHAT  DIDNT   SEEM    TO   HAVE    MUCH   ON   BUT 
A   LOT  OF  jewels" 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  am  bustin  into  societie  up  here  at  the  range. 
This  needent  make  no  difference  between  you  and 
me  though.  There  aint  nothing  stuck  up  about 
me  but  my  hair.  Thats  all  right  so  long  as  its 
good  and  wet.  Last  Sunday  while  I  was  takin 
a  bath  in  a  little  town  near  here  the  minister  ast 
me  to  dinner.  Not  while  I  was  in  the  tub,  of 
course,  Mable.  Just  after.  He  ast  Joe  Loomis 
to.  He  had  to  really  cause  he  was  with  me. 
Hes  not  a  regular  minister.  Hes  got  a  lot  of 
money  and  pointed  shoes  an  is  down  in  the  moun- 
tins  for  cronik  azmuth.  Awful  highbrow,  Mable. 
Dont  know  who  Ring  Lardner  is  and  changes 
the  needle  after  every  record. 

The  minister  has  two  daughters,  both  girls,  and 
a  wife.  One  of  the  girls  is  good  looking  and 
the  other  is  more  like  youd  expect.  I  guess  shes 
a  pillo  of  the  church.  Joe  was  ast  for  her  while 
I  amused  the  good  looker.  Anybody  but  Joe 
could  have  seen  that.  Not  him.  He  kept  buttin 
in  an  makin  an  ass  of  hisself. 

We  was  ast  for  dinner  at  hapast  one.  Joe 
thought  it  would  be  politer  not  to  run  in  an  eat  an 

167 


i68  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

run  out  like  it  was  a  canteen  so  we  went  a  little 
early.  About  noon.  They  played  highbrow 
pieces  on  the  phoneygraph.  The  kind  that  has 
only  one  tune  on  them  an  cost  so  much  that  every- 
body has  to  lissen.  Joe  dont  know  nothin  about 
music  of  course.  Right  while  K.  Russo  was  havin 
an  awful  time  he  says  if  theyll  speed  it  up  he  like 
to  have  a  little  dance. 

The  minit  we  sat  down  to  dinner  Joe  started 
tellin  one  of  his  stories  about  how  he  almost  got 
killed  one  time.  They  was  all  waitin  for  him 
to  shut  up  SOS  the  minister  could  say  grace  before 
the  soup  got  all  cold.  Joe  thought  they  were 
listenen  to  him.  Thats  somethin  that  aint  ever 
happened  to  him  before.  He  kept  draggin  it  out 
and  draggin  it  out.  The  only  thing  that  finally 
stopped  him  was  that  he  forgot  the  point.  Then 
the  minister  put  his  nose  in  his  soup  and  began 
sayin  grace.  Joe  thought  he  was  talkin  to  him 
and  kept  askin  "Hows  that  and  what  say"  all  the 
time  he  was  prayin. 

I  aint  never  goin  out  with  that  fello  no  more. 
I  guess  thats  safe  cause  he  wont  never  be  ast. 
All  the  time  durin  dinner  he  kept  sayin,  "My 
gawd  I  hate  to  make  such  a  hog  of  myself." 
Then  the  minister  would  look  like  hed  lost  some 
money  and  my  girl  would  giggle.  The  ministers 
wife  passed  him  some  stuff  she  said  was  real  old 


"the    minister    has    two    daughters — BOTH    GIRLS" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   171' 

spider  corn  cake.  Joe  said  he  didnt  care  how 
old  It  was.  Since  hed  been  In  the  army  hed  got 
SOS  he  could  eat  anything.  Then  he  thought  a 
while  an  says  he  guessed  It  must  have  been  a  re- 
lief to  the  spiders  to  get  rid  of  them.  Nobody 
said  nothln.  Just  to  show  his  poyse  Joe  took  his 
fork  out  of  his  mouth  and  speered  four  pieces  of 
bread  across  the  table. 

He  was  all  for  keepin  the  same  plate  through 
dinner  and  gettin  up  an  helpln.  Said  he  knew 
what  It  was  like  to  be  In  the  kitchen  on  Sunday. 
They  forgot  the  coffee  till  dinner  was  over.  They 
didn't  hke  to  waste  It  I  guess  bein  war  times  so 
the  ministers  wife  ast  us  if  wed  like  to  go  into 
the  drawin  room  an  have  It.  Joe  said  he  wasnt 
much  at  drawin  but  My  gawd  If  he  sat  round 
makin  a  hog  of  hisself  any_longer  theyd  have  to 
give  it  to  him  in  a  bed  room. 

They  gave  us  coffee  in  egg  cups.  Seein  I 
wasnt  payin  for  It  I  didnt  guess  it  was  my  place 
to  say  nothln.  Manners.  Thats  me  all  over, 
Mable.  We  got  talkin  about  one  thing  and  an- 
other. I  was  tellin  them  about  the  war  and 
when  it  was  goin  to  end.  Joe  was  sittin  on  the 
sofa  with  the  other  daughter  pickin  the  sole  of 
his  shoe.  I  felt  sorry  for  him  cause  I  knew  hed 
be  lookin  at  fotygraphs  pretty  soon  if  he  didnt 
buck  up. 


172  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

The  ministers  wife  asked  me  what  I  thought  of 
wimmins  sufrage.  I  said  I  thought  it  was  a  good 
thing  but  you  couldnt  tell.  Thats  the  beauty  of 
always  keepin  read  up  on  these  things.  If  you 
happen  to  get  outside  the  army  for  a  little  while 
and  meet  some  inteligent  people  you  can  talk  on 
pretty  near  anything.  Then  she  turned  to  Joe 
and  ast  how  he  felt.  Joe  jumped  like  somebody 
sprung  out  at  him  an  says  "A  little  sick  to  my 
stummick  thanks  but  thatU  be  all  right  as  soon  as 
things  set  a  bit." 

The  good  lookin  one  said  she  thought  our  offi- 
cers was  awful  cute.  I  guess  she  never  seen  our 
Lieutenant.  She  said  she  just  couldnt  resist  them. 
I  says,  quick  without  thinkin  it  up  "Of  course,  its 
against  the  law  to  resist  an  officer."  That  got 
them  all  laffin  an  they  forgot  Joe  for  a  little  while. 

Both  the  daughters  sang  a  duette.  Joe  says 
that  was  the  best  thing  about  it.  They  got 
through  twice  as  quick.  We  got  laffin  so  hard 
that  I  says  I  guess  wed  have  to  go  sos  to  be  in 
time  for  mess.  Then  Joe  got  awful  polite  and 
backed  over  a  rubber  plant  an  says  "My  gawd 
excuse  me."     He  wont  never  be  ast  again. 

Ive  been  wonderin  for  a  long  time,  Mable,  why 
the  audience  officers  all  wear  spurs.  They  dont 
ever  ride  a  horse  of  course.  I  ast  Angus 
MacKenzie,  the  skotch  fello,  the  other  day  and 


"they  gave  us  coffee  in  egg  cups" 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   175 

he  says  Its  to  keep  there  feet  from  slidin  off  the 
desk.     Aint  that  a  funny  custom? 

I  guess  were  goln  to  begin  shootin  again  pretty 
soon.  The  Lieutenant  says  the  artillery  Is  goln 
to  have  a  Brigade  problem  and  the  Infantry  Is 
comin  up  from  camp  for  It.  I  guess  well  all  take 
a  lot  more  interest  In  the  shootin  If  theres  some- 
thin  worth  while  to  fire  at 

yours  In  spite  of  better  things 

Bill. 

P.S.  Joe  Loomis  just  got  a  letter  that  smelt  and 
what  do  you  suppose,  Mable?  It  was  from  the 
goodlookin  daughter  askin  him  to  come  over  to 
dinner  next  Sunday  all  alone.  I  guess  there  not 
as  high  brow  as  I  thought. 


Dere  Mahle: 

Were  back  from  shootln  at  the  range.  We 
ended  up  by  firin  at  the  Infantry.  That  was  what 
they  was  talkin  about  when  they  said  there  was 
goin  to  be  a  garage  fire.  Thats  the  army  all  over, 
Mable.  Tecknickle.  The  firin  was  a  total  fail- 
ure, Mable.  We  fired  at  the  range  for  three 
months  an  never  hit  it.  That  aint  surprisin 
cause  I  never  see  nothin  except  some  trees  in  front 
of  the  guns  and  we  always  fired  over  those. 
When  they  finally  got  wise  and  put  some  infantry 
out  there  for  us  to  fire  at  we  missed  them  abso- 
lutely.    Fired  everythin  in  front  of  them. 

Dont  say  nothin  about  this  cause  it  might  get 
into  the  papers  and  cheer  up  the  Kizer.  Its  all 
the  Captins  fait.  I  guess  he  thought  he  had  an 
Aunty  Air  Kraft  battery.  That  fello  comes  from 
Far  Rockaway  and  he  lives  in  the  last  house. 

The  last  mornin  we  fired  the  Lieutenant  says  I 
was  battery  agent.  It  seemed  kind  of  silly  to  me 
to  bother  about  sellin  stuff  while  we  was  firin  but 
thats  the  Lieutenant.  He  got  away  before  I  could 
ask  him  what  I  was  to  sell.  I  bought  a  lot  of  pop 
and  crackers  and  stuff  and  fried  to  sell  em  to  the 

176 


atU  BiecR 


"the    first  SARGENT  WOULDNT  LET   ME" 


''THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"  179 

fellos,  while  they  was  firin.  The  first  sargent 
wouldnt  let  me.  I  told  him  I  was  battery  agent 
but  not  him.  That  fello  wont  have  to  wear  no 
steel  helmut  when  he  gets  to  France.  I  ate  it  all 
myself. 

If  the  Lieutenant  is  goin  to  keep  me  as  battery 
agent  now  were  back  Im  goin  to  ask  him  if  I 
cant  rig  up  a  little  office.  I  wouldnt  be  surprised 
if  they  had  me  up  in  Washington  pretty  soon. 
Lots  of  the  fellos  say  they  ought  to  send  me  some- 
where. Im  ritin  up  to  N.  Y.  where  theres  a  place 
where  they  make  sofa  pillos  with  fellos  goin  over 
the  top  on  em  and  gold  rings  with  your  girls  name 
on  em  free  for  a  dollar  twenty  ($1.20). 

The  last  week  on  the  range  we  lived  in  pup 
tents.  A  pup  tent  Mable  is  like  the  roof  of  a 
dog  house  without  the  house.  They  call  em  pup 
tents  cause  no  one  but  a  very  young  dog  would 
be  fool  enough  to  sleep  under  one.  There  made 
out  of  a  couple  of  pieces  of  stuff  like  what  you 
make  porus  nit  underclothes  out  of.  You  button 
em  together  if  theres  any  buttons.  It  dont  make 
much  difference  as  far  as  keepin  the  rain  out  is 
concerned.  The  only  thing  they  do  to  the  rain  is 
to  strain  it. 

I  guess  these  pup  tents  we  got  is  an  old  issue 
what  was  wished  on  us  by  the  Japaneze  army. 
When  an  ordinary  sized  fello  lies  down  in  one 


i8o  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

(and  thats  all  you  can  do  in  em)  hes  out  doors 
from  the  nees  down.  The  Major  came  round 
Sunday  night.  I  guess  he  made  a  mistake  and 
thought  it  was  Saturday.  Theres  a  rule  that 
Majors  only  come  round  on  Saturday  cause  they 
bother  the  men.  The  Major  says  "I  guess  well 
blow  taps  an  hour  early  tonight  cause  the  men  is 
all  in."  An  I  says  back  right  out  loud  "There 
aint  anybody  goin  to  get  all  in  these  things,  you 
big  overgrown  boob,"  only  he  happened  to  be 
away  down  the  street  and  didnt  hear  me.  It  didnt 
make  no  difference  to  me  though.  I  said  it  any- 
way.    High  spirited.     Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

Angos  MacKenzie,  the  skotch  fello,  says  that 
these  is  skotch  pup  tents.  The  skotch  he  says 
dont  ever  wear  nothin  below  the  nees.  I  guess 
Angus  aint  a  pure  skot  though  cause  I  heard  him 
and  Joe  Loomis  arguin  this  mornin  cause  Angus 
had  swiped  Joes  horse  blanket  to  wrap  round  his 
legs. 

It  rained  for  three  days  before  we  left.  You 
could  have  squoze  water  out  of  my  pistol,  Mable. 
They  say  a  fello  is  two  thirds  water  anyway.  I 
bet  I  was  99  and  ninety  nine  100  per  cent  pure, 
eh  Mable? 

Monday  mornin  we  hiked  back  to  camp.  They 
got  us  up  so  early  I  thought  they  was  blowin  taps. 
The  Lieutenant  was  awful  sore.     I  guess  a  drop 


"the  only  thing  they  do  to  the  rain  is  to  strain  it 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   183 

of  water  came  through  his  tent  somewhere  during 
the  night  and  lit  on  him.  He  looks  at  me  and 
says  "As  you  were,  Smith."  All  I  says  was  "111 
never  be  again,  Lieutenant." 

They  made  me  a  driver  the  last  minit  on  the 
hike  comin  home.  I  guess  there  breakin  me  in 
to  every  place  sos  they  can  let  the  rest  of  the 
battery  home  on  furlo  and  let  me  do  all  the  work, 
from  the  looks  of  it.  They  showed  me  two 
horses  hitched  to  the  gun  and  told  me  they  was 
mine.  Right  away  I  seen  that  the  right  hand 
horse  was  all  hitched  up  and  there  wasnt  nobody 
there  to  ride  him.  So  when  the  sargent  says  he 
was  all  ready  I  says  "No  we  aint.  I  aint  goin 
till  the  fello  what  rides  this  horse  is  here. 
Theres  enough  favorites  being  played  in  the  bat- 
tery now." 

That  showed  the  Lieutenant  where  I  stood. 
He  said  the  fello  what  usually  drove  the  horse 
was  on  speshul  duty  coilin  up  firin  lines.  When 
he  put  it  that  way  I  agreed  to  lead  the  right  hand 
horse  in  to  camp.  Angus  says  they  call  the  right 
hand  horse  the  off  horse  because  the  fello  what 
rides  him  is  always  off  doin  somethin  else.  He 
aint  the  only  fello  whats  off  round  here  though. 
I  can  tell  you  that,  Mable. 

Theres  a  roomor  around  here  that  were  going 
to  Honey  Lulu.     Joe  Loomis  has  sent  for  his 


i84  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

Ukaylaly.     Angus  says  hes  orderin  a  grass  cutter 
to  take  with  him  sos  he  can  make  hisself  one  of 
those  grass  suits  over  there.     I  guess  the  next 
time  I  rite  it  will  be  from  there, 
yours  till  then 

Bill 


Dere  Mable: 

I  guess  I  was  bom  with  a  silver  spoon  In  my 
mouth  though  up  to  now  I  thought  Id  swallowed 
it.  I  told  you  Id  make  you  happy  some  day. 
Now  Im  going  to.     Im  comin  home  on  a  furlo. 

I  always  wished  theyd  kristened  me  somethin 
besides  Smith  till  now.  Theres  a  fello  named 
Patrick  Smith  what  lives  two  tents  down  with  a 
red  nose  and  hair  that  hangs  down  under  his  hat. 
His  mother  rote  the  Captin  an  said  she  was  dyin. 
She  said  she  didnt  expect  to  live  more  than  forty- 
eight  (48)  hours  or  however  long  It  took  for  her 
son  to  get  home. 

The  Captin  thought  it  was  me.  He  called  me 
up  an  says  "Smith  your  mother  Is  sinkin  rapidly." 
I  couldnt  believe  that  though  cause  she  woudnt 
never  go  near  any  place  where  they  was  water. 
Then  he  read  me  the  letter.  I  knew  right  away  It 
was  Patrick  Smith's  mother  cause  he  was  figurin 
last  week  on  the  most  likely  one  to  kill  off  sos  he 
could  get  home. 

I  never  let  on  though.  Quick.  Thats  me  all 
over,  Mable.  I  says  "Gee,  thats  to  bad"  like  I 
was  all  broke  up.     And  then  I  said  "Shes  the 

185 


i86   'THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

only  mother  I  ever  had  Captin,"  I  said  it  so 
sad  that  I  almost  got  myself  cryin.  An  the  Cap- 
tin  says  "Well  Smith,  you  been  workin  pretty 
hard  an  need  a  change.  Ill  give  you  a  ten  day 
furlo  to  go  home  to  the  funeral."  Nice  fello 
the  Captin  when  you  get  to  know  him. 

Im  comin  up  Mable  just  as  soon  as  I  can  bor- 
row enough  close  and  the  like.  It  seemed  to  me 
when  I  used  to  lay  out  my  stuff  for  inspeckshun 
Saturday  mornins  that  I  had  enough  junk  to  equip 
the  draft  army.  I  just  been  lookin  over  my  stuff 
to  find  somethin  to  wear  home.  It  makes  a  fello 
feel  half  nakid. 

Im  going  to  borrow  the  money  to  buy  my  rail- 
road ticket  so  you  see  the  trip  aint  going  to  cost 
me  a  cent.  I  bet  youll  be  glad  to  have  someone 
round  who  aint  skared  to  change  a  quarter  once 
in  a  while. 

Its  kind  of  hard  to  get  a  suitcase.  Theres 
only  one  in  the  battery.  The  fello  what  owns  it 
says  its  made  the  trip  north  25  times.  From  the 
looks  of  it  hes  modest.  Else  the  last  fello  tied 
it  to  the  end  of  the  train  and  let  it  drag  all  the 
way.     I  guess  I  can  fix  it  with  rope  though. 

Then  Joe  Loomis  has  a  uniform  that  he  paid 
fifteen  dollars  ($15)  for.  It  looks  like  an  offi- 
cers unless  you  wear  it  in  the  rain.  Joes  in  the 
guard  house  so  Im  going  to  take  it  an  not  say 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"  187 

nothin.  I  guess  Joe'd  do  the  same  for  a  pal. 
Besides  he  aint  got  no  kick  comin  cause  theres  a 
rule  that  we  cant  speak  to  prisoners. 

Joe  got  put  in  the  guard  house  for  burnin  down 
the  stable  tent  where  they  keep  the  horses  serial. 
He  was  sittin  in  the  stable  tent  while  he  was  on 
stable  guard  catchin  a  smoke.  Stable  guard  is 
a  kind  of  night  bell  hop  and  chamber  maid  to  the 
horses.  He  heard  the  Officer  of  the  Day  comin 
and  stuck  his  cigaret  but  in  an  oat  bag.  Then  the 
whole  thing  burnt  down.  Angus  MacKenzie  says 
thats  what  he  gets  for  hidin  his  light  under  a 
bushel  Thats  a  skotch  joke  though.  I  guess 
you  wouldnt  get  it. 

Angus  is  lendin  me  a  pair  of  spiral  puttys.  A 
spiral  putty  is  a  flannel  bandage  what  you  wind 
round  your  leg  sos  nobody  cant  see  that  the  but- 
tons is  offen  your  trouser  legs.  The  fello  what 
made  em  must  have  had  queer  legs  cause  when 
you  get  to  the  top  there  aint  no  place  to  fasten 
them.  I  guess  they  were  built  for  fellos  that  was 
goin  to  stand  still.  As  soon  as  you  move  they 
unwind  and  drag  in  the  dust  till  a  horse  steps  on 
one  of  them.     Then  you  do  em  up  again. 

I  started  savin  thrift  stamps.  I  got  pretty  near 
two  books  full.  Angus  says  its  got  it  all  over 
United  Segar  cupons.  When  you  get  enough  you 
get  some  dandy  things.     I  wrote  the  premium  de- 


i88  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

partment  at  Wash.  D.  C.  for  one  of  their  catalogs. 
I  want  to  get  a  mandolin  as  soon  as  I  get  enough. 
Joe  Loomis  is  savin  for  a  Ukaylaly.  I  hope  it 
takes  more  stamps  than  he  can  ever  save. 

Were  getting  some  new  draft  men  now.  Be- 
tween you  an  me  there  an  awful  dum  bunch. 
They  dont  know  the  difference  between  squads 
right  and  fall  in.  I  dont  see  how  fellos  can  live 
as  long  as  they  have  an  not  know  these  simple 
things. 

A  few  of  them  is  Jewish  fellos  from  New  York. 
All  they  think  about  is  how  they  can  get  some  post 
cards  of  the  camp  and  sell  em  to  the  fellos.  A 
couple  of  them  sold  there  equipment  the  minit 
they  was  issued  it.  Angus  says  one  of  them  was 
on  guard  the  other  night  and  a  fello  came  a  long. 
He  stopped  him  and  says  "Halt,  whose  there?" 
an  the  fellow  says  "Friend."  An  he  says  "Advance, 
friend,  an  give  the  discount."  Youd  hardly  be- 
lieve that,  Mable.  But  bein  a  girl  I  suppose  you 
would,  not  knowin  nothin  about  the  military. 

So  I  aint  goin  to  rite  you  no  more  cause  theres 
no  sense  ridin  up  on  the  train  with  my  own  letters. 
I  got  a  lower  bunk  all  hired.  Im  goin  to  have 
it  made  up  before  we  leave  the  station  an  I  aint 
goin  to  get  up  till  we  pull  into  Philopolis.  If  the 
fello  in  the  upper  bunk  aint  got  sense  enough  to 
stay  in  bed  he  can  sit  on  the  edge  of  the  bunk  and 


"l   JUST    FOUND    YOUR    PICTUR    AT    THE    BOTTOM    OF    MY    BARRACK    BAG" 


'THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   191 

whissle  for  all  I  care.  An  the  lord  help  the 
porter  if  he  calls  me  cause  he  aint  no  first  sargent 
an  Id  just  as  soon  tell  him  so.  Frank.  Thats 
me  all  over,  Mable. 

I  suppose  your  father  and  mother  will  be 
tickled  to  see  me.  Theyll  think  Im  comin  home 
to  marry  you.  I  guess  you  know  I  would  if  I 
had  time.  Besides  I  dont  believe  in  gettin  mar- 
ried before  the  war  cause  like  as  not  111  be  killed. 
I  dont  want  you  to  worry  though  or  nothin  like 
that.  Youd  be  in  a  nice  mess  then  though  with 
your  fathers  liver  on  your  hands  an  no  visibul 
means  of  support. 

I  got  to  stop  now  an  borrow  some  money  to 
come  home  on.  I  think  Pat  Smiths  got  some. 
Hed  be  awful  sore  if  he  knew  I  was  goin  home  on 
his  furlo. 

I  just  found  your  pictur  at  the  bottom  of  my 
barrack  bag.  It  gave  me  an  awful  shock  first. 
Then  I  remembered  that  my  hob-nailed  shoes  had 
been  sittin  on  it.  I  wouldnt  care  though  even  if 
you  did  look  like  that.  Sense  before  beauty. 
Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

yours  till  I  see  you 

Bill 


I) ere  Mahle: 

This  is  the  last  time  111  take  my  pen  in  hand 
to  rite  for  some  time.  I  aint  allowed  to  tell  you 
why. 

This  letters  got  to  be  awful  short  cause  I  aint 
allowed  to  say  nothin.  Theres  so  many  spize 
round  listenin  that  I  aint  even  allowed  to  tell  you 

that  we  got  our  orders  an  were  goin  to  F e. 

Were  goin  to  fight  the  G s. 

I  aint  even  allowed  to  tell  you  how  were  goin 
except  that  its  by  boat.  Even  thats  awful  con- 
fidenshul.  If  the  spize  heard  about  it  theyd  prob- 
ably blow  up  all  the  boats  sos  to  make  sure  of 
gettin  the  right  one. 

Angus  says  the  top  sargents  got  orders  to  take 
us  right  into  the  front  line  trenches.  I  guess 
there  goin  to  try  an  finish  this  thing  up  right 
away,  I  guess  111  probably  get  killed  pretty 
quick.  Ill  feel  a  lot  better  if  I  know  your  not 
worryin  an  thinkin  of  me  lyin  mortaly  wounded  in 
a  shell  hole  as  I  probably  shall  be. 

An  so  now  I  cant  come  home  on  my  furlo, 
Mable.  I  knew  the  Captin  had  a  string  tied  to  it 
somewhere.     If  theres  any  way  of  gettin   into 

192 


'THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"    193 

heaven  that  fello  will  slip  through  or  Im  mis- 
taken. Of  course  I  wanted  to  see  you  but  on  the 
other  hand  I  saved  a  lot  of  money.  Just  as  soon 
as  I  get  mortally  wounded  Im  going  to  rite  a 
book  about  my  sensashuns  an  then  come  back  an 
lecture  about  it.  I  guess  I  wont  be  gone  long. 
Well,  Mable,  there  finally  wakin  up  to  them- 
selves. I  guess  the  war  wont  last  much  longer 
now.  Or  me  either,  eh  Mable?  Some  day  when 
one  of  those  big  G n  shells  lands  on  my  nap- 
sack  111  be  able  to  really  rite  you  an  say  "Thats 
me  all  over,  Mable."  Please  dont  worry  about 
me. 

Yours  till  you  here  the  worst 

Bin. 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  take  up  my  pen  to  rite  you.  From  the  way 
I  feel  I  dont  think  III  be  takin  things  up  much 
longer.  Im  on  a  boat  now.  They  say  we  are 
goin  to  France  but  we  been  goin  two  days  now  and 
I  aint  seen  no  land  yet.  Joe  Loomis  thinks  that 
theres  German  proper  gander  in  it.  He  says  that 
they  got  us  out  here  and  there  goin  to  keep  us 
goin  round  and  round  till  the  wars  over. 

It  seems  kind  of  silly  to  rite  you  cause  I  cant 
mail  this  till  I  get  to  France.  It  wont  be  no  use 
then  cause  by  the  looks  of  things  now  111  probably 
be  flirting  with  a  couple  of  mermaids  in  Davy 
Jones  Lock  Up  long  before  that.  Thats  a 
naughty  call  joke  though,  Mable.  You  wouldnt 
understand  it. 

As  far  as  I  can  find  out  there  sending  the  whole 
army  over  on  this  ship.  Most  of  them  sleeps  in 
the  room  with  me  from  the  noise.  They  got  it 
fixed,  up  cozy  like  an  opium  den  or  a  morgue. 
There  piled  up  three  high  and  the  only  thing  that 
stops  them  there  is  the  roof. 

Were  on  a  German  boat.  I  bet  it  makes  them 
sore  Mable  to  see  one  of  there  own  boats  bringin 

194 


"THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"   195 

over  fellos  like  me.  The  Germans  Is  peculiar 
people.  They  got  sines  all  over  the  boat.  On 
some  of  the  doors  upstairs  they  got  Herren 
painted.  Youd  never  catch  an  American  boat 
carryin  fish  right  on  the  passenger  floor.  On 
some  of  the  other  doors  they  got  sines  what  says 
Bad.  I  guess  they  run  out  of  these  before  they 
came  to  the  place  where  I  sleep.  It  dont  seem 
reasonable  to  let  fish  have  a  room  with  mahogo- 
huny  doors  and  a  fello  with  two  legs  sleepin  where 
I  do.  Some  of  the  rooms  has  Damen  rote  on 
them.  Joe  Loomis  what  lives  on  the  canvas 
above  me  says  thats  the  only  German  he  ever 
agreed  with. 

I  aint  been  really  sick  yet.  I  aint  give  up  hopes 
though.  Angus  MacKenzie,  the  skotch  fello,  got 
so  worried  because  he  felt  all  right  that  he  went 
up  to  see  the  doctor  this  mornin. 

I  cant  rite  much  cause  the  Captin  told  us  the 
centsor  would  read  our  letters.  I  dont  know  who 
he  is.  I  guess  hes  a  German.  Of  course  hell 
read  em  if  we  dont  seal  em. 

I  guess  well  get  blown  up  before  we  go  much 
further.  I  dont  want  you  to  worry  though.  I 
just  menshun  it.  You  got  enough  on  your  hands 
with  your  father  in  bed  with  his  liver  again  and 
me  not  around  to  cheer  you  up. 

Yours  to  the  last  bubble  Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

Were  all  balled  up.  There  aint  no  doubt  now 
that  its  German  Proper  Gander  workln.  We 
been  runnin  three  days  now  and  no  sign  of  land 
yet.  I  wouldnt  be  surprised  if  we  woke  up  some 
mornin  in  Chickawgo  or  some  other  place  on  the 
Specific  coast.  I  aint  sick  yet.  I  dont  seem  to 
need  as  much  food  as  I  used  to,  though. 

Im  gettin  on  to  this  naughty  call  stuff  fast. 
Quick.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable.  Theres  a 
few  things  about  the  boat  though  that  I  dont  know 
yet.  For  instance  they  got  pipes  comin  out  of 
the  deck  all  over  like  Sibly  stoves  upside  down. 
I  thought  they  was  for  rubbish.  I  was  just  re- 
markin  to  Joe  Loomis  how  neat  they  was  to  have 
such  things.  We  was  makin  a  point  of  pickin 
up  everything  we  saw  and  firin  it  down  them. 
Then  one  of  the  ships  officers  came  along  and 
you'd  ought  to  have  herd  him.  Youd  have 
thought  we  was  tryin  to  blow  up  the  old  tug,  in- 
stead of  keepin  it  clean  for  him.  He  said  the 
funnels  was  for  carryin  fresh  air  to  the  mens 
quarters.     I  says  I  guessed  the  one  that  carried 

196 


"l   DONT   SEEM   TO    NEED   AS    MUCH   POOD   AS   I   USED   TO" 


'THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE"    199 

air  down  to  our  quarters  got  clogged  before  we 
started. 

They  close  all  the  windows  every  night.  Angus 
MacKenzie,  the  skotch  fello,  says  that  sos  the 
Germans  wont  fire  torpetoes  through  the  windows 
and  land  on  our  beds.  Thats  a  jokin  way  he  has 
of  speakin  of  the  pieces  of  canvas  we  sleep  on. 

Were  havin  a  race  with  another  boat.  Its 
awful  close.  We  been  racin  now  ever  since  we 
started  and  neither  of  us  has  gained  yet.  I  here 
the  engineers  has  a  bet  of  five  dollars  on  who 
gets  in  first.  I  dont  know  who  can  be  on  the 
other  boat  cause  we  got  the  whole  army  on  ours. 

Well,  Mable,  I  got  to  quit  now  cause  were 
liable  to  be  sub-marined  and  blown  to  pieces  any 
minit.     I  want  to  get  this  off  before  we  sink. 

Dont  worry  about  me. 

Yours  till  I  touch  bottom 

Bill. 


MARCO  NIGRAM 


WORLD        WIDE        Wir?EI_ESS 


MARCONI    TELEGRAPH  -CA5LE.   CO    Inc. 

MARCONI    WIRELE^.5    TELEGRAPH   COMPANY 
OF    AMERICA 

l^eceived  at  Philopolis 

Dere  liable 

Not  feelin  well  today  so  am  sendin 
this  instead  of  ritin,  Aint  seasick.  Just 
eomethin  the  matter  with  my  stummick.  Angus 
MacKenzie,  skotch  fello  says  thats  me  all 
over,  liable*  I  says  its  all  over  with  me. 
Bright  and  funny  to  the  last.  Eh,  Mable. 
Guess  we'll  all  be  sunk  soon  now,  Itll  be 
a  change  to  have  somethln  goin  down,  I 
cant  say  any  more  cause  this  is  costin  me 
1  dollar  (Si)  a  word.  Wouldnt  have  said 
this  much  but  I  borrowed  the  money  from  Joo 
Loomis,  Hed  have  spent  it  for  somethin 
foolish  anyhow. 

Yours  through  all  ups  and  downs 
Bill 


Dere  Mahle: 

No  land  yet.  If  wed  been  goin  in  a  straight 
line  wed  have  passed  N.  Y.  twice  by  this  time,  I 
suppose  theyll  keep  us  goin  round  in  circles  like 
this  till  the  wars  over.  Joe  Loomis  says  its  three 
thousand  (3000)  miles  across.  Thats  silly 
though.  It  aint  as  far  as  that  from  N.  Y.  to 
Chickawgo. 

My  room  is  way  down  stairs  in  the  sub  cellar. 
All  there  is  between  me  and  the  bottom  of  the 
sea  is  the  floor.  If  theyd.  stuck  me  down  any 
further  it  wouldnt  have  been  such  a  long  drop  at 
that.  Each  fello  has  a  little  blue  padded  straight 
i^acket  to  wear  while  hes  sinkin.  There  awful 
heavy.  I  guess  there  to  keep  us  warm  while  were 
drownin.  Toe  Loomis  says  there  to  pull  us  down 
quick  SOS  we  dont  suffer.  The  Captin  says  to- 
day that  when  we  sink  all  men  gets  into  rowboats 
and  the  officers  hang  on  to  rafts.  Theres  some- 
thin  wrong  somewhere.  I  been  lookin  over  the 
rowboats  to  see  whats  the  matter  with  them. 

They  got  a  lot  of  skotch  fellos  on  board.  I 
dont  know  where  they  came  from.  Joe  Loomis 
says  they  aint  pure  cause  they  dont  wear  ribbons 

201 


202  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

on  their  bonnets   and   do   wear   pants.     But  he 
aint  got  no  call  to  talk  about  pure  skots. 

We  all  got  Issued  tin  hats  before  we  left.  I 
guess  theyll  give  us  sheet  iron  underdose  next. 
It  takes  a  long  time  to  wear  a  tin  hat  without 
hurtin  yourself.  If  you  move  quick  it  slides  down 
over  your  eyes  and  bursts  you  in  the  nose.  Thats 
why  they  charge  in  a  walk  I  guess.  They  got 
muskito  nettin  inside  sos  it  wont  hurt  your  head. 
If  you  take  that  out  it  makes  a  good  wash  basin 
or  a  mess  kit.  Joe  Loomis  and  Angus  got  arguin 
yesterday,  Joe  claimin  that  they  was  no  good  and 
Angus  claimin  that  you  couldnt  hurt  a  guy  what 
had  one  on.  Angus  got  so  sore  he  bet  a  quarter. 
To  decide  it  Joe  put  on  his  hat  and  let  Angus  hit 
him  on  the  bean  with  a  piece  of  lead  pipe.  Joe 
always  was  lucky.  He  won  the  quarter  and  now 
hes  livin  on  A  deck  where  the  hospital  is.  An  the 
Dr.  says  he  aint  got  a  chance  of  dyin  which  is 
more  than  most  of  us  can  say.  I  guess  theyll 
sink  us  today.     I  got  to  quit  now. 

Yours  till  the  third  time  down, 

Bill. 


Dere  Mahle: 

Were  in  the  same  place  we  was  yesterday.  Id 
know  it  now  with  my  eyes  shut.  It  looks  like  we 
was  movin  but  Joe  Loomis  says  thats  just  the 
water  goin  past  the  boats.  A  fello  told  me  we 
was  in  the  Gulf  stream.  If  we  are  its  some  creek 
cause  you  cant  see  no  banks. 

We  been  on  four  days  now.  Im  beginnin  to 
feel  like  the  Ainshunt  Mourner.  We  lie  round  on 
the  floor  of  one  of  the  lower  piazzas  all  day  and 
read  books  from  the  library.  Most  of  them  is 
about  the  lives  of  fellos  whats  dead.  That  aint 
right  for  a  bunch  what  expects  to  be  with  em  any 
minit. 

Once  a  day  we  go  up  on  one  of  the  upper  piaz- 
zas to  exercise.  A  fello  might  as  well  try  to 
swing  indiun  clubs  on  the  five  o'clock  subway. 
The  only  exercise  you  can  do  without  knockin  off 
the  head  of  the  fello  next  to  you  is  eyes  right  and 
eyes  left. 

The  Captin  is  always  talkin  about  goin  below. 
Seein  how  we  all  may  any  minit,  it  aint  no  time  for 
jokin  about  it.  He  says  to  me  yesterday  "Smith, 
fix  me  up  a  list  of  spaces  for  all  my  men  down 

203 


204  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

below."  Alnt  that  the  Captin  all  over,  Mable? 
He  wont  be  satisfied  till  he  has  em  all  tagged  and 
numbered  and  doing  squads  east  and  west  in  Davy- 
Jones  Lock  Up. 

Joe  Loomis  has  his  girls  pictur  pasted  on  the 
back  of  his  tin  lookin  glass.  He  lies  on  his  bunk 
all  day  gapin  at  it.  Some  fellos  make  awful  asses 
of  themselves  about  there  girls.  Angus  Mac- 
Kenzie,  the  skotch  fello,  had  the  mirror  shavin  the 
other  day.  It  swung  round  while  he  wasnt  lookin 
and  when  he  looked  in  it  again  he  got  an  awful 
start. 

They  havnt  sunk  us  yet.  I  guess  there  just 
foolin  with  us.  Perhaps  it  will  happen  today. 
Dont  worry  though. 

Yours  till  you  here  otherwise 

Bill. 


JOE   LOOMIS' 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  feel  the  same  way  the  Knights  of  Columbus 
must  have  felt  when  they  was  discoverin  North 
America.  Just  sailin  round  in  circles  and  wishin 
they  had  never  left  N.  Y.  Were  goin  through  an 
awful  bumpy  part  of  the  ocean  now.  Joe  Loomis 
says  theres  a  lot  of  traffic  through  here  and  these 
big  boats  cuts  it  all  up.  Thats  how  ignorant  that 
fello  is,  Mable.  Its  gettin  colder  all  the  time  to. 
I  wouldnt  be  surprised  if  we  had  got  turned  north 
by  mistake  and  would  land  up  in  Labordoor  or 
somethin. 

One  of  the  boat  officers  is  called  the  Execu- 
tioner Officer.  Every  day  most  he  comes  round 
and  says  its  half  an  hour  earlier  than  it  is.  Thats 
the  way  those  fellos  use  there  awthority.  No- 
body dasnt  contradict  them.  I  guess  thats  the 
way  these  boats  make  records  so  often,  Mable. 
When  they  see  they  aint  goin  to  make  a  record 
they  just  shove  the  clock  back.  Id  go  over  in 
nothin  if  I  was  the  Captin  and  get  it  over  with 
quick.  I  wish  I  could  have  made  contracks  like 
that  when  I  was  home.  If  a  fello  came  to  me 
and  says  "Your  contrack  is  up  today"  Id  just  look 

207 


2o8  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

at  him  and  say  "You  must  be  mistaken.  This  is 
yesterday."  Joe  Loomis  has  it  figured  out  that 
if  we  keep  on  losing  time  well  get  there  last  winter. 

Angus  MacKenzie,  the  sketch  fello,  says  theres 
no  danger  in  that  though,  cause  if  they  ever  find 
themselves  workin  back  towards  last  pay  day 
theyll  go  ahead  for  a  while. 

Angus  says  that  every  time  they  set  us  back  half 
an  hour  the  government  skins  every  man  out  of 
pretty  near  a  nickul.  It  aint  the  money,  Mable. 
A  nickul  never  meant  nothin  to  me  one  way  or 
the  other  as  you  ought  to  know  better  than  any 
one.     Isnt  it  a  cheap  way  to  Whoverize  though? 

Joe  says  that  if  it  keeps  on  bein  as  cold  as  this 
he  aint  goin  to  get  off  when  they  sink  us.  He 
says  he  rather  stay  down  in  the  bedrooms  and  be 
drowned  than  get  all  wet  with  that  ice  water  and 
then  have  a  cold  for  the  rest  of  the  war. 

Well,  Mable,  I  got  to  quit  now.  A  fighter  needs 
a  lot  of  sleep. 

Yours  till  the  war  ends 

Bill 


Dere  Mahle: 

Somebodys  rockin  the  boat.  Its  been  rollin 
round  somethin  awful  all  mornin.  Theres  always 
some  fool  like  that  in  every  crowd.  I  aint  said 
nothin  but  me  and  Angus  MacKenzie,  the  skotch 
fello,  is  watchin.  When  we  catch  him  you  bet 
well  give  him  whats  what. 

While  we  was  snoopin  round  we  just  discovered 
somethin  awful.  All  the  life  rafts  what  the 
officers  ride  on  when  we  sink  is  full  of  holes.  The 
water  would  come  right  through.  As  soon  as  we 
find  the  fello  whats  rockin  the  boat  were  goin 
to  tell  the  Captin.  Angus  says  perhaps  hell  make 
us  officers  or  let  us  sleep  late  or  somethin.  A 
fello  told  me  they  threw  these  rafts  over  the  side 
when  the  ship  was  sinkin.  As  far  as  I  can  see  if 
a  fello  is  lucky  enough  to  get  off  the  old  tub  they 
fling  one  of  these  on  his  bean.  Im  going  to  wear 
my  tin  hat  you  bet. 

They  got  a  bunch  of  ropes  hangin  with  knots  on 
them  along  the  sides  from  the  top  floor  down  to 
the  water.  A  fello  told  me  they  was  to  climb 
down  when  all  the  rowboats  was  gone.  Some 
fellos  is  in  an  awful  hurry  to  get  drowned.     If 

209 


210  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE" 

there  bound  to  crown  me  with  a  seaweed  wreath 
Im  goin  to  keep  em  waitin  as  long  as  I  can.  The 
fello  what  hung  em  must  have  had  arms  like  a 
munkey  cause  there  hangin  about  six  feet  from 
the  side. 

These  Germans  must  have  been  awful  tanks, 
Mable.  They  got  one  whole  floor  they  call 
saloon  deck.  Of  course  the  saloons  is  gone  now. 
When  they  made  the  ship  over  they  had  to  get 
rid  of  all  the  luxuries  to  make  room.  They  got 
the  bars  out  of  the  saloons  and  the  ofiicers  eat 
there. 

A  fello  came  down  stairs  the  other  night  and 
told  us  about  the  war.  He  said  we  was  all  comin 
over  to  fight  to  make  the  world  safe  for  the 
Democrats.  If  thats  the  case  Mable  your  father 
must  be  an  ailin  enemy. 

Well,  Mable,  they  tell  us  that  if  we  aint  sunk 
pretty  soon  were  goin  to  get  there.  I  guess  then 
I  w'ont  be  able  to  rite  you  for  a  few  days  cause 
itll  take  me  a  little  while  to  get  settled  in  the 
trenches  and  get  my  dug  out  fixed  up  nice.  I 
hope  they  give  us  a  part  of  the  line  near  the  sta- 
tion cause  I  dont  like  those  troop  trains. 
Yours  till  I  write  again 

Bill. 


"the  tailor  must  have  been  a  boiler  maker  once" 


Dere  Mahle: 

I  thought  the  fishes  would  be  bulldin  nests  In 
my  ears  long  before  I  rote  this.  What  do  you 
suppose  has  happened?  I  wont  ever  be  able  to 
look  you  In  the  face  again.  Were  right  near  land 
and  aint  so  much  as  seen  a  Perryskope.  An  here 
I  been  runnin  round  In  my  Drownin  Jacket  for 
seven  days  like  a  fello  wearin  his  shroud  down 
to  his  office  a  week  before  he  dies.  I  hope  you 
aInt  bragged  too  much  about  It  or  theyll  have  the 
laugh  on  you.  I  feel  kind  of  cheap  but  you  really 
cant  blame  me.  I  took  these  other  fellos  word 
for  It. 

I  aInt  the  only  goat  thats  been  wearin  my 
Drowning  Jacket  round  though.  They  all  had  to 
and  most  of  them  slept  In  them.  The  tailor  what 
designed  these  must  have  been  a  boiler  maker 
once.  If  there  vests  there  too  short  an  If  there 
coats  where  Is  the  sleeves?  They  got  a  hump 
runnin  down  the  backbone.  I  know  now  how  a 
horse  feels  when  he  tries  to  roll  over.  Besides 
the  Jackets,  they  made  us  carry  round  a  tin  bottle 
of  water  on  a  string  all  the  time.     I  suppose  if 

213 


214  "THATS  ME  ALL  OVER,  MABLE'' 

there  was  not  enough  water  to  drown  us  all  we 
could  empty  out  these. 

Were  just  a  few  miles  off  shore,  but  I  cant  tell 
you  just  where.  This  is  partly  because  I  dont 
know.  Joe  Loomis  says  were  comin  into  London, 
but  Angus  MacKenzIe,  the  skotch  fello,  says  it 
aint  London.  He  thinks  Its  Paris.  I  dont  think 
so  though  cause  if  it  was  youd  see  the  Ethel 
Tower. 

You  want  to  be  careful  when  you  address  let- 
ters to  me.  If  you  address  me  too  plain  there 
liable  to  get  to  me  and  you  cant  tell  who  might 
be  lookln.  About  all  you  can  say  on  the  address 
as  far  as  I  can  find  out  is  Bill  Smith,  A.  E.  P., 
which  means  Am  Expecting  Flowers. 

I  got  to  quit  now  cause  were  gettin  near  shore 
and  the  Sanitary  Officer  ast  me  to  help  him  sweep 
out  the  boat  when  the  other  fellos  is  gone.  Of 
course  I  said  I  would.  Obligin.  Thats  me  all 
over,  Mable.  As  soon  as  I  get  ashore  Im  going 
to  buy  one  of  them  John  Brown  belts  you  here  so 
much  about.  I  dont  know  when  111  be  able  to 
write  to  you  again  cause  I  understand  theres  a  bat- 
tle on  now  so  I  guess  111  be  pretty  busy  for  some 
time  to  come. 

Yours  till  I  rite  again, 

Bill. 


'SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 


PREFACE 

The  rightful  place  for  a  preface  is  at  the  end 
of  a  book  or,  better  still,  the  scrap  basket.  My 
only  reason  for  setting  it  here  is  lest  someone 
read  and,  misunderstanding,  take  offense. 

Not  for  one  moment  has  there  been  any 
thought  of  making  light  of  that  splendid,  almost 
foolhardy,  bravery  which  has  characterized  the 
American  soldier.  It  was  he  himself  who  made 
light  of  it,  as  he  did  of  the  whole  war,  and  prob- 
ably would  of  doomsday. 

Nor  is  there  anything  unkind  or  deprecating 
In  his  attitude  toward  the  Frenchman.  He  met  a 
race  so  distinct  from  his  in  ideals  and  customs 
that  there  was  no  basis  for  understanding.  Fail- 
ing to  understand,  he  followed  his  usual  rule  in 
such  Instances  and  laughed. 

One  of  those  veterans  of  a  dozen  battles, 
chancing  to  glance  over  these  pages,  may  say  that 
the  dangers  and  horrors  of  those  last  five 
months  have  been  underrated.  They,  however, 
belong  to  a  comparatively  small  and  enviable  mi- 
nority. Those  who  turned  the  tide  in  July,  191 8, 
and  who  knocked  the  line  at  St.  Mihiel  into  Its 
proper  place  in  September,  also  bore  the  brunt  on 

217 


2i8  PREFACE 

the  Meuse  and  the  dreary  mud-spattered  monot- 
ony of  the  Army  of  Occupation.  The  great  mass 
of  the  American  army  saw  but  a  few  brief  weeks 
of  fighting  during  October  and  November.  Thou- 
sands of  other  Bills,  equally  brave  and  more 
eager  because  it  was  denied  them,  never  heard 
the  sound  of  guns  except  on  the  target  range. 

This  is  not  a  treatise  on  International  Rela- 
tions. It  is  not  a  chronology  of  battles.  It  is  not 
a  memorial  of  brave  deeds.  It  is  merely  a  few 
impressions  of  Pvt.  William  Smith,  Buck,  placed 
in  a  situation  so  new,  so  incomparable,  that  it  had 
wiser  men  than  he  guessing.  He  was  one  of 
those  who  left  their  reasons  for  being  "there" 
to  be  analyzed  by  men  not  so  occupied  in  the 
business  of  keeping  alive.  He  would  have  been 
bored  to  death  if  you  had  tried  to  explain  them 
to  him  anyway.  His  loyalty  and  patriotism 
were  so  unquestioned  that  its  discussion  was  ab- 
surd. Sentimental,  yet  so  sensitive  to  obvious 
sentimentality  that  he  died  many  times  making 
fun  of  the  things  that  he  was  dying  for. 


"Same  Old  Bill, 
Eh  MabUr 


Dere  Mahle: 

Were  in  sunny  France  at  last.  I  cant  tell  you 
much  about  it  yet  on  account  of  its  havin  been  so 
foggy  since  we  got  here.  We  didnt  deboat  in 
Paris  as  I  was  expectin.  We  sailed  up  a  river 
to  a  town  with  a  wall  around  it  and  got  off  there. 
I  dont  know  what  the  wall  was  for  unless  to  keep 
people  in.  They  certinly  wouldnt  need  one  to 
keep  anybody  out  of  that  place.  Were  now  in 
what  they  call  a  rest  camp.  If  this  is  restin  then 
all  they  say  about  war  is   true. 

For  the  last  two  days  weve  been  unpackin 
boats.  You  havnt  any  idear  how  refreshin  it  is 
to  pile  up  about  5  milyon  cases  of  corn  Willie. 
Ive  been  puttin  on  weight  ever  since  I  got  here 
but  its  all  been  on  my  back. 

Some  of  the  fellos  think  they  got  us  mixed  up 
with  one  of  these  Steva  Dora  regiments.  It  dont 
seem  to  worry  the  Captin  much.  Theres  no  rea- 
son it  should  tho.    All  he  has  to  do  is  to  sit  on  a 

2ig 


220  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

box  an  keep  the  quartermaster  from  gettin  over- 
stocked on  cigars. 

The  day  we  got  in  they  tied  us  out  In  the  mid- 
dle of  the  river.  They  left  us  there  so  long  that 
there  was  a  roomer  the  war  was  over  an  we  was 
goin  to  turn  around  an  go  home.  When  it  comes 
to  takin  that  trip  right  over  agen  I  say  on  with 
the  war. 

We  lay  around  there  so  long  I  was  beginnin  to 
feel  like  the  keeper  of  a  light  ship.  Then  they  got 
into  an  awful  hurry  all  of  a  sudden  an  piled 
pretty  near  the  whole  boat  load  onto  one  coal 
barge.  Our  Bilitin  oficer  met  us  at  the  dock. 
Hed  been  over  here  a  month  gettin  things  fixed 
up  for  us.  From  the  way  he  acted  youd  think  he 
was  the  fello  that  invented  the  war. 

After  that  we  got  out  in  the  country  and 
marched  till  my  pack  gained  a  hundred  an  fifty 
pounds  an  my  tung  was  lyin  on  my  chest.  Joe 
said  we  needed  a  rest  camp  after  a  hike  like  that. 
When  wed  walked  about  six  miles,  or  killen  me- 
ters as  they  call  them  over  here,  we  turned  into  a 
bare  field.  The  Bilitin  oficer  said  that  was  the 
camp. 

Just  then  It  started  to  rain.  The  Captin  told 
the  Top  to  make  us  all  comfortable.  Then  he 
remembered  some  business  In  town  and  went 
away  before  he  had  a  chance  to  hear  any  first 
Impreshuns  about  rest  camps.  The  Bilitin  oficer 
must  have  wore  himself  out  findin  us  a  nice  place 


MARCHED  TILL  MY  PACK  GAINED  A  HUNDRED  AN  FIFTY  POUNDS*' 


222  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!'* 

like  this  with  only  a  month  to  do  It  In.  Id  like 
to  see  what  hed  turn  out  if  he  only  had  a  couple 
of  days.  It  rained  all  night.  When  I  get  home 
111  be  able  to  put  in  a  good  night  in  the  swimmin 
pool  of  a  Turks  bath. 

The  next  mornin  we  started  in  on  Intensive 
restin.  We  unpacked  a  whole  boat  out  onto  a 
dock.  Then  some  General  came  along.  I  guess 
he  thought  we  still  looked  a  little  peaked.  He 
says  "Just  run  that  stuff  into  the  shed  across  the 
tracks."  The  place  he  called  a  shed  would  have 
made  a  nice  hanger  for  the  New  York  Central 
stashun. 

They  tell  me  now  were  not  goln  right  up  to 
the  front.  We  got  to  go  to  school  agen  to  learn 
something.  If  I  had  a  diploma  for  every  school 
I  been  to  in  the  last  year  my  room  would  look 
like  a  dentle  parlor. 

The  French  seem  glad  to  see  us  but  they  cant 
express  themselves  very  well.  They  dont  seem 
to  talk  the  same  kind  of  French  the  fello  learned 
us  In  the  Y.  M.  C  A.  last  winter.  There  all 
mixed  up  on  there  money  too.  About  the  only 
way  a  fello  can  buy  anything  is  to  hold  out  all 
hes  got  and  let  them  take  what  they  want.  I 
guess  theyll  never  overcharge  me  by  takin  all  I 
can  hold  out. 

The  whole  sistem  is  based  on  the  Sue,  Mable. 
As  near  as  I  can  make  out  a  Sue  aint  worth  any- 
thing.   A  hundred  Sues  make  a  Centimeter  an  a 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  223 

hundred  Centimeters  make  a  Frank.  Five  Franks 
make  a  dollar  only  now  they  dont.  That  gives 
you  an  idear  how  simple  It  Is  to  go  Into  a  store 
an  figger  what  you  can  buy  with  a  quarter. 

I  hear  the  battery  comin  back  so  I  guess  111 
quit  this  and  fall  In  on  the  tall  of  the  colyum.  It 
isnt  that  I  wouldnt  just  as  soon  have  them  all 
know  where  Ive  been,  but  It  makes  the  Captin 
feel  a  lot  better  to  have  me  there  at  formashuns. 
Yours  If  I  survive  the  rest 

Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

If  you  ever  have  to  do  any  travelln  in  France, 
walk.  I  dont  suppose  you  ever  took  a  five  day 
trip  In  an  open  trolly.  We  traveled  five  days  an 
all  the  time  straight  away  from  the  front.  First 
we  thought  we  was  goln  to  Italy  but  we  must 
have  passed  that  long  ago.  They  finally  landed 
us  In  a  little  town  with  about  a  hundred  people, 
fifty  cows  an  no  pictur  show.  The  more  I  see 
of  this  country  the  more  patriotic  I  get. 

The  train  we  came  down  on  looked  like  one  I 
had  when  I  was  a  kid  on  tracks.  You  felt  some- 
body ought  to  get  out  an  wind  the  engine  every 
time  it  stopped.  Whenever  we  got  to  stashuns 
a  lot  of  fellos  in  long  coats  would  come  out  an 
blow  whissels.  Sometimes  wed  start  but  most  of 
the  time  nothin  happened.  At  last  I  found  a  job 
for  the  Top  sargent  when  the  war  is  over. 


224  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

The  cars  are  marked  ist,  2nd  an  3rd  class. 
The  difference  Is  that  the  wheels  on  the  ist  class 
has  only  got  one  flat  side.  The  2nd  class  has  got 
two,  an  the  3rd  class  wheels  are  square.  We 
ride  In  the  3rd  class.  Luckily  the  cars  has  only 
got  four  wheels.  There  so  short  you  couldnt  get 
any  more  under  them  If  you  wanted  to. 

There  freight  cars  are  all  Ford  models  to.  On 
the  doors  they  got  painted  "Hommes  40  Chevaux 
8."  Thats  French  for  40  men  an  8  horses.  That 
struck  me  as  funny  till  I  figgered  out  that  they 
probably  pack  five  men  between  each  horse  sos 
they  wont  rattle  round  so  much. 

Of  course  nobody  could  ever  collect  tickets  on 
a  train  like  this.  So  they  got  a  saloon  In  every 
stashun  insted  of  a  ticket  office.  They  make  the 
road  pay  on  those.  The  first  time  we  stopped 
Angus  got  off  an  bought  a  bottle  of  VInrooge 
wine.  Thats  a  drink  the  French  use.  They  must 
wash  In  It  to  cause  I  havnt  seen  any  water  since  I 
been  here. 

Marv  Motel,  one  of  the  new  fellos  In  the  bat- 
tery, said  If  you  could  get  two  or  three  quarts  of 
that  under  your  belt  It  would  act  like  a  couple  of 
bottles  of  beer  an  help  you  to  sleep.  So  at  the 
next  stashun  Angus  got  enuff  for  three  quarts 
apiece. 

The  VInrooge  wine  acted  the  way  Marv  said 
it  would  only  he  must  have  meant  two  cases  of 
beer  insted  of  two  bottles.     It  put  everybody  to 


'everybody  had  a  beard  on  both  sides  of  his  face" 


226  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

sleep  like  an  anisthetic  but  Angus.  He  Kept 
awake  to  finish  what  was  left.  The  last  I  saw  of 
him  he  was  singin  Skotch  songs  out  the  windo  at 
the  Engineer.  One  nice  thing  about  these  trains 
Is  the  Top  cant  get  at  you  between  stashuns. 

You  ought  to  have  seen  that  bunch  the  next 
mornin.  It  would  have  been  an  awful  encouragin 
site  for  the  KIser.  Everybody  had  a  beard  on 
both  sides  of  his  face,  inside  an  out  an  they  wasnt 
talkin  any  more  than  was  necessary  to  call  some- 
body something. 

About  noon  they  got  us  out  at  some  stashun 
SOS  the  Captin  could  give  us  the  devil  for  not 
keepin  neat  an  clean.  Nobody  minded  much 
cause  he  didnt  look  as  tho  hed  spent  the  night  in 
no  dry  cleaners  himself. 

Well,  Mable,  we  just  sat  there  for  three  days 
an  three  nights.  I  began  to  think  we  must  be  go- 
In  home  by  the  overland  root.  The  only  reason 
we  didnt  murder  nobody  was  because  we  didnt 
have  room.  Every  once  in  a  while  wed  stop  at  a 
stashun  an  some  red  cross  nurses  would  bring 
around  coffee.  Only  they  wasnt  red  an  they 
wasnt  cross.  Most  of  us  was  so  glad  to  see  a 
woman  that  we  could  say  something  to  besides 
"Ah  We"  that  we  didnt  menshun  the  coffee.  Its 
funny  what  youll  take  from  a  woman  when  it 
would  be  death  for  a  mess  sargent. 

The  Captin  said  wed  have  to  stay  in  this  town 
a  week  or  two  on  account  of  the  school  were  go- 


''SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEl"  227 

in  to  bein  full.  The  BUitin  oficer  came  down 
ahead  as  usual.  This  time  he  only  had  two  days. 
After  seein  what  he  could  do  in  a  month  we  didnt 
expect  much.  We  got  it.  Ten  of  us  are  roomin 
in  a  hay  barn.  The  only  good  thing  about  it  is 
that  when  your  in  bed  the  Top  sargent  cant  tell 
wether  your  there  or  not  without  takin  out  all 
the  hay. 

As  soon  as  we  got  here  I  noticed  something 
awful  strong  an  it  wasnt  no  geranium  bed  ether. 
Were  getting  used  to  it  now.  You  can  tell  how 
rich  a  Frenchman  is  by  the  size  of  his  manure  pile. 
There  so  proud  of  them  they  set  them  right  out- 
side there  windos  sos  they  can  sit  an  watch  them 
an  never  forget  them.  The  bigger  the  pile  the 
bigger  man  you  are  in  your  home  town.  All  I 
can  say  is  Im  glad  the  people  we  live  with  is 
poor.     Id  hate  to  be  bileted  with  the  Mayor. 

I  got  to  quit  now.  The  sensor  cuts  out  most  of 
this  anyway.  They  say  he  tears  off  half  of  every 
letter  to  lighten  the  mails. 

au  reservoir  as  the  French  say 

Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

Id  have  rote  you  sooner  only  the  sensor  wont 
let  me  tell  where  I  am  an  I  couldnt  think  of  noth- 
in  else  to  say.  This  is  the  third  letter  Ive  rote 
since  we  landed.  Im  a  little  worried  about  the 
other  two  cause  the  Captin  said  we  couldnt  men- 


228  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

shun  the  names  of  no  places.  So  I  just  addressed 
them  to  Mable  Gimp,  nothin  else. 

In  case  you  dont  receive  letters  like  that  I  wish 
youd  let  me  know.  Then  I  wont  be  expectin  any 
answer.  Ritin  letters  from  here  is  like  talkin  to 
a  fello  over  the  fone  that  aint  there. 

Im  having  a  little  trouble  with  the  languige. 
Its  tricky.  A  lot  of  these  French  words  is  the 
same  as  ours  only  they  dont  mean  the  same  thing. 
Like  "Pan"  an  "We"  an  "Mercy"  an  "Toot 
sweet."  As  soon  as  I  find  what  the  words  stand 
for  111  be  all  right. 

Some  of  the  fellos  dont  seem  to  get  onto  the 
idear  of  this  thing  at  all.  They  think  if  they  talk 
like  they  had  an  egg  in  there  mouth  an  put  in 
lots  of  zs  its  French.  Take  Joe  Loomis  for  in- 
stance. He  talks  like  a  German  thats  lived  with 
the  French  Canadians  for  a  while.  Hell  go  into 
a  lunch  room  an  say  "Geeve  me  ze  beef  stak  rar, 
mit  ze  on-yon."  Then  he  gets  sore  when  they 
put  the  wine  list  In  front  of  him. 

It  aint  the  wine  list  that  makes  him  sore  of 
course.  He  cant  get  over  the  American  custom 
tho  of  eatin  with  his  meals. 

The  first  three  days  we  was  here  we  didnt  have 
no  guns  nor  horses  or  nothin.  I  thought  perhaps 
the  Captin  would  give  us  a  chance  to  get  over 
that  rest  camp,  but  he  seems  to  have  an  idear  tho 
that  just  so  many  of  us  has  got  to  be  killed  in  the 
war  an  the  quicker  he  gets  it  over  with  the  better. 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  229 

So  every  day  He  walks  us  about  ten  killen  meters 
with  the  sun  hot  enuff  to  boil  eggs. 

The  guns  came  yesterday.  There  painted  up 
like  a.  ten  cent  sunset.  They  call  them  Soizant 
Cans,  whatever  kind  that  is.  They  look  pretty 
much  in  the  bean  blower  class  to  me.  One  of 
those  guns  we  left  back  in  the  States  would  take 
care  of  the  four  of  them.  But  of  course  after  pol- 
ishin  those  up  last  winter  till  I  almost  wore  them 
out  the  Captin  had  to  come  off  an  forget  them. 
I  guess  now  were  stuck  with  these* 

No  horses  came  with  the  gun^.  I  suppose  we 
got  to  pull  them  around  ourselves  for  the  rest  of 
the  war.  I  can  just  here  the  Captin  tellin  Gen. 
Perishing,  "No,  no,  General.  My  men  havnt  got 
a  thing  to  do.  Outside  of  a  couple  of  single 
mounts  for  the  oficers  I  wont  need  a  horse." 

I  wish  your  mother  could  see  the  wimmin  wash 
close  over  here.  She  might  get  more  enjoyment 
out  of  that  lawndress  of  hers.  There  is  a  lot  of 
summer  houses  down  beside  a  creek  behind  the 
town.  Every  day  they  go  down  there  an  stand  in 
a  barrel  right  in  the  creek.  First  they  take  the 
close  an  drag  them  around  the  creek  for  a  while. 
Then  they  lay  them  on  a  wooden  block  an  beat 
the  buttons  off  them  with  a  big  board.  A  button 
in  a  steam  lawndry  leads  a  life  of  quiet  ease  com- 
pared with  these. 

After  they  get  them  hammered  out  flat  they 
hang  them  on  a  barb  wire  fence.     In  the  eve- 


230  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

ning  they  take  home  anything  the  cows  has  left  In 
an  old  wheelbarro.  I  guess  by  that  time  there 
dirty  enuff  to  wash  agen  cause  there  always  washin 
and  you  dont  see  no  results. 

We  spend  all  our  time  now  drillin  with  those 
little  guns.  Of  course  there  different  from  those 
we  had  in  the  States  so  everything  we  learned 
over  there  has  to  be  forgot.  As  far  as  I  can 
make  out  we  might  as  well  have  learned  basket 
weavin  for  all  the  good  it  did  us. 

Well,  Mable,  have  as  good  a  time  as  you  can 
at  home.  I  know  how  tiresome  those  broken- 
winded  fellos  must  be.  Id  go  around  with  them 
tho  once  in  a  while  In  case  they  should  ask  you. 
Democratic.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable.  Its  the 
only  thing  your  father  an  me  has  got  in  common. 
Besides  it  will  make  it  seem  all  the  better  when  I 
get  home. 

yours  in  spite  of  these  things 

Bill 

Dere  Mable: 

I  guess  your  last  letter  must  have  been  sen- 
sored  to  death  cause  I  never  got  it.  I  been  over 
here  three  weeks  now  an  the  only  letter  I  got 
was  a  bill  for  some  flowers  I  sent  you  a  year  ago. 
That  fello  would  make  more  money  as  a  detective 
then  a  flowerist.  I  bet  hed  have  found  Charlie 
Ross  if  Charlied  owed  him  any  money.  I  expect 
to  be  sittin  propped  up  agenst  the  wall  some  day 


BEAT  THE  BUTTONS  OFF  THEM  WITH  A  BIG  BOARD 


232  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

In  the  Old  Soldiers  Home  an  about  six  postmen 
will  come  staggerin  in  the  gate  with  my  mail. 
Keep  on  ritin  tho.  I  can  always  turn  it  over  to 
some  historical  society. 

Saturday  an  Sunday  was  the  end  of  the  week  so 
the  Captin  let  a  few  of  us  go  in  to  a  big  town  near 
here  to  take  a  bath.  Hes  always  tryin  to  stick 
a  little  extra  duty  like  that  into  a  mans  private 
time. 

Me  an  Angus  an  Marv  Motel  went  down  to- 
gether in  a  truck.  I  dont  suppose  you  ever  road 
in  a  truck  with  only  two  other  fellos  in  it.  I  bet 
it  goes  farther  up  an  down  then  straight  ahead. 
Angus  was  all  for  seein  the  town  as  soon  as  we 
got  there,  that  bein  about  the  only  thing  that 
didnt  involve  spendin  money.  We  compromized 
by  seein  the  restawrants  first. 

Its  interesting  to  lissen  to  the  French  eat,  they 
enjoy  things  so.  Everyone  tucks  there  napkins 
under  there  chins  like  your  father  used  to  before 
he  had  a  hired  girl  insted  of  your  mother. 

The  French  is  awful  optimistic  eaters.  By 
takin  everything  separate  they  can  work  them- 
selves into  believin  theyve  had  a  course  dinner. 
If  they  had  such  a  thing  as  oatmeal  an  cream  I 
bet  theyd  make  you  eat  the  oatmeal  first  an 
drink  the  cream  afterwards. 

Every  time  you  look  away  you  get  a  clean 
plate.  All  you  need  to  start  a  restawrant  In 
France  Is  a  thousand  plates  an  a  dozen  eggs.  The 


"EVEi(.YONE  TUCKS  THERE  NAPKINS  UNDER  THERE  CHINS 


234  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

rest  of  the  food  doesnt  matter  much.  About 
everything  you  ask  for  Is  "Defended."  That 
seems  to  be  the  same  as  "Just  out"  In  American. 
In  most  places  Its  just  a  question  of  how  long 
you  can  think  of  things  to  ask  for  before  you  end 
up  with  an  omlet.  The  only  place  you  can  get 
real  French  cookin  Mable  Is  In  the  States. 

Theres  a  bunch  of  French  soldiers  In  town. 
Most  of  them  have  beards  an  little  bags  hangin 
all  over  them.  I  wish  theyd  let  us  wear  beards. 
You  wouldnt  have  to  go  round  with  your  collar 
buttoned  all  the  time  then. 

When  I  first  got  Into  town  I  thought  It  must 
be  a  holiday  or  something  cause  the  saloons  was 
overflowin  right  out  on  the  sidewalks.  Every- 
body was  sittin  round  at  little  tables  drlnkln  beer. 
I  went  in  one  tho  an  there  wasnt  a  soul  inside 
but  flies.  It  certinly  Is  mixin.  In  one  place  a 
fello  wont  take  a  drink  unless  he  can  go  behind 
a  screen.  Over  here  he  wont  have  it  anywhere 
but  in  the  middle  of  the  street.  I  can  see  your 
father  sittin  out  on  Main  street  in  a  wicker  chair 
with  a  stein  of  beer  in  his  hands. 

Well  Mable  at  the  rate  Im  not  recelvin  mail  I 
wont  be  able  to  tell  wether  Its  last  winter  or  next 
winter  that  your  talkin  about  when  I  finally  get 
your  letters.  Im  going  to  keep  on  ritin  tho  just 
to  annoy  the  sensor. 

Yours  in  haste 

Bill 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  235 

Dere  Mahle: 

In  a  training  camp  once  more  beginin  all  over 
agen.  If  we  had  a  school  system  like  this  in  civil 
life  a  fello  would  never  live  to  finish  high  school. 

Were  not  livin  in  stables  any  more.  They  got 
us  now  in  long  stone  buildins  with  wood  cots  in 
them.  I  suppose  somebody  back  at  headquar- 
ters heard  of  soft  pine  an  thought  it  would  be  a 
good  thing  for  makin  beds.  I  feel  as  full  of 
bones  as   an   old  herrin. 

We  didnt  have  to  pull  the  guns  over  after  all. 
They  tied  them  on  behind  trucks.  I  was  makin  up 
a  nice  bed  for  myself  in  the  back  of  a  truck  when 
the  Captin  stuck  his  head  in.  He  certinly  be- 
lieves in  exercisin  his  neck.  As  soon  as  he  saw 
I  was  comfortable  he  says  "Smith,  you  ride  on 
the  end  caisson  an  watch  the  brake."  There  was 
no  use  tellin  him  Id  seen  the  darn  thing  every  day 
for  two  weeks.    He  thinks  he  knows  everything. 

Of  course  youve  never  ridden  on  a  caisson  tied 
behind  a  truck.  You  never  went  hitchin  with  a 
bob  sled  behind  an  express  train  in  the  middle 
of  summer  nether.  It  was  just  luck  that  the  old 
thing  happened  to  be  under  me  every  time  I  came 
down.  Some  times  it  would  go  crazy  an  run  from 
one  side  of  the  road  to  the  other  like  it  was  look- 
in  for  a  chance  to  pass  the  truck.  I  dont  know 
what  would  have  happened  if  the  rope  hadnt 
busted.  That  caisson  must  have  thought  it  was  a 
tank.     It  turned  right  off  the  road,  ran  over  a 


236  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

little  ditch  an  tried  to  clime  a  tree.  It  didnt  have 
the  build  tho  an  quit. 

The  next  thing  I  remember  the  Captin  was  say- 
In  "Smith,  what  are  you  tryin  to  do  with  that 
caisson,  smash  it?"  Just  as  if  Id  swiped  the  darn 
thing  to  go  for  a  joy  ride. 

Well,  Mable,  your  letter  came  at  last.  From 
the  looks  of  it  they  must  have  dragged  the  mail 
bag  all  the  way.  That  certinly  was  interestin 
about  that  poor  young  fello  Archie  Wainwright 
It  must  be  awful  to  have  a  murmur  in  your  heart 
when  you  want  to  go  to  war  so  bad. 

Tell  him  not  to  worry  about  missin  the  war 
cause  when  I  get  back  III  show  him  so  much  about 
it  hell  feel  like  a  veteran  in  half  an  hour  an  his 
family  will  be  hangin  out  a  service  flag. 

We  just  got  ishued  two  new  Lootenants  Inside 
of  a  week.  Its  gettin  harder  an  harder  to  rite 
anything  Interestin  that  youU  understand.  For 
Instance  the  first  Lootenant  was  a  2nd  and  the 
second  Lootenant  was  a  ist.  That  shows  you  how 
tecknickle  it  all  is  but  of  course  its  over  your  head 
like  a  shower-bath. 

One  of  the  Lootenants  came  over  as  a  casulty 
oficer.  He  just  came  now  from  Sam  Moores  Col- 
lege of  Artilery  over  here  in  France.  They  turn 
them  out  of  there  like  Fords.  If  he  knows  as 
much  as  he  admits  he  does  I  dont  see  why  they 
bother  to  put  a  high  priced  fello  like  Fosh  In 
command  for. 


"they  just  ishued  us  overseers  caps  an  rapped  leggins" 


238  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

Were  bein  learned  mostly  by  French  oficers. 
There  awful  polite.  I  wish  the  Captin  could  hear 
them.  Joe  says  he  was  made  a  gentleman  by  an 
act  of  Congress  when  they  made  him  an  oficer. 
Congress  certinly  has  a  lot  of  power  in  war  time. 

In  the  army  your  not  supposed  to  be  able  to 
use  anything  till  you  know  how  its  made.  You 
dont  know  how  to  put  on  a  gas  mask  till  you 
know  whats  in  the  tin  box  an  who  was  the  first 
fello  to  use  it.  You  cant  talk  over  a  fone  till  your 
able  to  sit  down  an  make  one  out  of  an  old  cigar 
box  an  a  piece  of  balin  wire. 

I  never  knew  so  little  about  so  much  in  my  life. 
You  sit  here  all  day  an  lissen  to  a  fello  tell  you 
how  if  you  multiply  something  by  enuff  other 
things  you  can  hit  a  Fritz  in  the  stummick  three 
miles  away.  Everythings  tricky  about  this  gun. 
Insted  of  shootin  where  you  want  to  hit  like  a 
man  you  look  at  a  thermometer  an  a  barometer, 
add  em  together  an  look  up  the  result  in  a  little 
pink  almanak.  That  tells  you  where  to  shoot.  I 
dont  like  this  mystick  stuff.  Frank  and  strait- 
forward.     Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

They  just  ishued  us  overseers  caps  an  rapped 
leggins.  Theres  one  good  thing  about  these  over- 
seers caps.  You  cant  put  them  out  of  shape  like 
the  felt  hats  cause  they  never  had  any  shape  to 
begin  with.  I  cant  say  much  in  favor  of  the 
rapped  leggins  tho  for  a  fello  that  never  had  any 
experience  with  first  aid  or  nothin. 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  239 

I  cant  see  any  sense  tho  in  Ishuin  close  like  a 
pictur  puzzle.  They  might  just  as  well  ishue  your 
coat  an  pants  In  seckshuns  an  let  you  hook  em 
together  every  mornln. 

I  got  to  quit  now.  I  was  left  behind  to  clean 
out  the  barracks  an  I  hear  the  battery  comin  In 
from  drill  so  I  got  to  hussle.  Tell  Archie  to 
cheer  up  about  the  war.  When  I  come  home 
hell  be  wearin  so  many  wound  stripes  hell  be 
lookln  like  a  zebra. 

Yours  till  Archie  gets  a  service  stripe 

Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

Theyve  made  me  a  door  tender  to  a  Soizant 
Cans.  All  Ive  got  to  do  is  to  open  the  door  an 
another  fello  puts  In  the  shell.  Then  I  close  the 
door  an  start  the  shell  on  its  way  with  a  piece  of 
string.  Its  a  pretty  important  job  cause  If  I  dont 
latch  the  door  the  whole  works  will  probably 
come  out  the  back  entrance. 

Our  horses  came  today.  They  must  have 
thought  this  was  a  mobile  vetrlnary  hosplttle  in- 
sted  of  a  battery.  Whoever  grooms  those  things 
will  have  to  lean  them  up  agenst  something.  I 
read  somewhere  how  the  average  life  of  a  horse 
in  this  war  is  only  60  days.  Accordin  to  that 
this  bunch  has  seen  about  seven  weeks  service  al- 
ready. 

Every  mornin  we  go  out  to  the  range  an  shoot 


240  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

away  liberty  bonds.  The  good  part  about  shootin 
into  a  desert  like  that  is  that  theres  nothin  out 
there  to  hit  so  you  can  call  it  a  bullseye  no  matter 
where  you  land.  The  oficers  just  walk  around 
shakin  hands  an  tellln  each  other  what  good  shots 
they  are.  They  sit  up  behind  the  guns  in  a  place 
that  looks  like  the  press  box  of  a  baseball  game. 
It  has  a  nice  roof  an  everything.  When  it  rains 
they  just  pull  their  toes  In  sos  the  water  wont  drip 
offen  the  roof  on  them.  Then  they  say  "This  is 
war.  We  cant  stop  for  a  little  wet."  Every  time 
a  fello  fires  they  call  it  a  problem.  About  the 
biggest  problem  is  to  figger  what  their  firin  at. 

In  the  afternoon  we  go  to  school.  Yesterday 
a  fello  gave  us  a  talk  on  the  "Art  of  Handlin 
Men."  Marv  Motel  says  he  knew  him  in  New 
York.  He  used  to  be  a  rubber  in  a  Turks  bath 
on  42nd  street* 

Theyve  Ishued  green  badges  to  the  fellos  that 
was  down  on  the  border.  It  looks  like  St.  Pat- 
ricks day  around  here.  Angus  MacKenzie  that 
wasnt  there  calls  them  horse  exercise  medals. 
The  day  I  put  mine  on  the  French  fello  thata 
leamln  us  about  telefones  came  up  an  shook  hands 
with  me.  All  the  Frogs  think  somebody  has 
sighted  us  for  bravery.  Its  a  good  thing  nobody 
knows  enuff  French  to  tell  them  about  it. 

The  French  have  a  medal  they  call  the  Crawdy 
Gare.  If  you  do  something  pretty  good  like  sit- 
tin  on  a  hand  granade  sos  it  wont  go  off  an  bother 


'will  have  to  lean  them  up  agenst  something 


242  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

the  Captin  or  fieldln  a  shell  right  over  the  kitchin 
they  hang  one  of  these  on  you.  Then  if  you  do 
somethin  awful  good  like  drivin  a  General  fast 
past  a  place  thats  been  shelled  they  let  you  wear 
a  silver  rubber  plant  on  the  ribbon. 

Were  almost  ready  to  go  up  to  the  front  now. 
I  guess  they  want  to  get  us  there  before  the 
horses  60  days  is  up  to  save  funeral  expenses. 
Just  at  the  last  minit  they  ishued  us  a  lot  of  re- 
placement troops  as  if  we  didnt  have  enuff  to 
carry.  The  governmint  dont  need  to  waste  no 
tin  derbies  on  that  bunch.  They  certinly  looked 
as  if  theyd  been  doin  some  hard  fast  travelin 
when  they  struck  here.  All  they  had  was  what 
was  on  them  an  that  was  mostly  cooties. 

I  aint  allowed  to  tell  you  wether  were  gcin  to 
the  front  from  here  or  not.  I  dont  see  why  its 
such  a  secret  tho  cause  were  so  far  in  the  rear 
here  that  its  about  the  only  way  we  could  go.  If 
you  dont  here  from  me  for  a  long  time  I  dont 
want  you  to  worry  cause  I  may  not  be  killed  but 
just  badly  wounded  or  taken  prisoner  or  some- 
thing. Or  there  might  be  just  a  chance  that  it 
was  because  I  was  to  busy  to  rite.  This  door  ten- 
der job  Is  pretty  important.  When  they  get  to 
fightin  I  guess  111  have  to  be  around  most  of  the 
time. 

Yours  till  I  leave  the  door  unlatched 

Bill 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  243 

Dere  Mable: 

Were  on  our  way  to  the  front.  I  bet  the  Kiser 
an  that  funny  lookin  kid  of  his  is  gettin  there  pul- 
moters  out.  We  traveled  three  days  an  two 
nights  on  the  train  an  now  we  been  hikin  two 
nights  more.  I  havnt  heard  a  gun  yet.  I  dont 
think  the  Captin  knows  where  the  front  is. 
Theres  a  roomer  around  that  we  got  off  at  the 
wrong  stashun.  I  suppose  now  we  got  to  walk 
half  way  across  France  just  because  that  fello 
dont  know  how  to  read  a  time  table. 

They  landed  us  in  a  field  outside  of  a  town. 
Youd  have  thought  we  got  off  right  in  front  of 
the  Fritz  trenches  the  way  the  oficers  acted.  The 
new  Lootenant  bawled  everybody  out  for  not 
wearin  there  gas  masks  at  the  alert.  That  means 
tyin  It  under  your  chin  like  a  bib. 

We  didnt  lose  much  time  unloadin.  Nobody 
knew  then  but  what  the  Fritzes  might  want  to 
park  a  few  Berthas  right  where  we  were.  Then 
we  just  sat  around  in  the  rain  and  waited.  After 
about  an  hour  the  Captin  came  splashin  down  the 
road  an  says  "Harness  an  hitch.  Come  on. 
Hurry  up."  He  always  gives  an  order  as  tho  hed 
given  it  an  hour  before  an  nobodied  paid  any  at- 
tenshun  to  him.  It  didnt  sound  reasonable  to  me 
cause  it  was  gettin  dark  then  an  It  would  be  time 
to  turn  in  before  we  could  get  any  place.  Bein 
a  cannon  ear  tho  an  not  havin  anything  to  do  with 


244  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

the  horses  I  didnt  say  anything.  Wlllin.  Thats 
me  all  over,   Mable. 

After  wed  got  hitched  up  we  stood  around  for 
an  hour  more  blottin  up  rain.  The  Captln  just 
leaned  agenst  his  horse  smokin  a  cigar  as  tho 
that  was  the  best  place  in  the  world  to  spend  the 
evenin.  Hes  got  one  of  these  Drench  coats  so 
it  doesnt  make  any  difference  to  him  if  every- 
body else  dissolved.  Just  as  it  was  gettin  dark 
a  fello  came  up  on  a  motor  cycle  an  gave  him  some 
mail.  Then  we  started.  It  made  the  fellos  awful 
sore  cause  they  say  thats  all  he  was  waitin  for. 
I  thought  of  course  the  Bilitin  oficer  had  found 
some  place  that  was  worse  down  the  road  an  was 
takin  us  there  for  the  nite.  But  we  just  marched 
an  marched  till  everybody  could  see  that  the  Cap- 
tin  didnt  know  where  he  was  goin. 

We  couldnt  light  a  light  or  scratch  matches  or 
nothin.  The  Captin  said  a  lot  of  Dutch  airy- 
planes  was  out  to  get  us  an  as  soon  as  we  struck 
a  light  theyd  drop  bums  on  us.  Then  he  passed 
the  word  back  that  nobody  was  to  talk  above  a 
whisper.  The  old  guns  rattle  so  you  couldnt 
hear  anybody  unless  he  yelled  anyway.  The  Cap- 
tin  means  all  right  but  he  read  to  much  cheap 
literachoor  when  he  was  a  kid. 

Every  few  minits  a  string  of  trucks  would  go 
tearin  by  in  the  other  direcshun.  None  of  them 
had  any  lights.  Its  lucky  they  didnt  cause  If  they 
could  have  ever  seen  how  near  they  came  to  not 


BiJl     Bj-ccK 

<C 

^ 

\^<J 

"^^  if 

^<fllk-^ 

1  1  Ir   >    I  I 

(Hi       v 

)» 

ii::» 

,,f[ ..  -y\ 

1 

'i^- Mil  ./     (A 

li 

1 

Fl 

,   ^      .^ 

"tyin  it  under  your  chin  like  a  bib" 


246  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

missin  us  they  could  never  have  got  there  hair  to 
lie  down  agen.  When  we  were  in  camp  back  in 
the  States  you  dasnt  go  over  ten  miles  an  hour 
for  fear  somebody  would  fall  down  in  front  of 
you  and  get  run  over.  When  you  get  over  here 
tho  the  idear  seems  to  be  to  make  the  war  as  dan- 
gerous as  you  can. 

After  a  while  I  undid  a  couple  of  blanket  rolls 
that  didnt  seem  to  belong  to  anyone  an  I  was  just 
gettin  as  comfortable  as  a  fello  can  on  top  of  a 
caisson  in  the  pourin  rain.  I  was  dozin  off  when 
I  heard  someone  say  "Whos  that  ridin  on  that 
carriage?"  There  was  only  one  person  could  ask 
a  question  like  that.  Right  away  I  started  to 
make  myself  uncomfortable  cause  I  knew  thats 
probably  what  the  trouble  was.  Then  he  rode 
up  an  says  "Is  that  you  Smith?  Didnt  you  hear 
me  order  nobody  to  ride  on  any  of  the  carriages?" 
Theres  no  use  arguin  with  the  Captin.  Its  just 
a  case  of  "All  right.     Have  it  my  way." 

They  go  to  all  the  trouble  of  bildin  a  seat  on 
these  wagons.  They  spend  a  year  teachin  you  to 
sit  on  it  in  the  most  uncomfortable  way.  Then 
when  the  first  possible  reason  for  usin  them  comes 
along  they  make  everybody  get  off  an  walk.  I 
spent  the  rest  of  the  nite  kickin  mud  puddles  off 
the  road. 

About  dawn  we  pulled  off  the  road  into  an  or- 
chard an  put  some  branches  over  the  guns  to  cover 
up  the  camooflage  paint.    I  thought  after  bein  up 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!"  247 

all  nite  on  account  of  his  foolishness  the  Captin 
would  at  least  take  pity  on  the  horses  an  let  them 
alone.  That  would  have  given  us  some  chance 
to  sleep.  Nothin  would  do  tho  but  that  we  spend 
about  half  the  day  smoothin  them  out.  He  says 
it  makes  them  feel  good.  Of  course  the  way  we 
feel  hasnt  got  nothin  to  do  with  it. 

After  wed  scoured  the  horses  till  they  must 
have  been  sorer  than  we  were  th^y  gave  us  some 
monkey  meat  an  let  us  turn  in.  Back  to  the  hay 
barns  agen.  That  Bilitin  oficer  ought  to  make 
good  on  some  board  of  health  when  we  get  home. 
He  can  pick  out  all  the  worst  places  in  a  town  ten 
minites  after  he  gets  there. 

Sleepin  in  the  daytime  is  a  kind  of  a  joke  any- 
way in  the  army.  Every  time  you  get  to  sleep  the 
horses  has  to  be  fed.  And  when  your  not  feedin 
them  you  got  to  get  up  an  feed  yourself.  In  the 
army  a  fellos  hungry  when  they  tell  him  to  eat  an 
no  other  time. 

After  theyd  blown  a  horn  at  me  about  eight  dif- 
ferent times  I  figgered  I  might  as  well  stay  up  an 
rite  you  a  letter.  Now  that  were  gettin  up  near 
the  front  Im  goin  to  rite  just  as  much  as  I  can. 
Thats  partly  sos  you  wont  worry  an  partly  so  that 
if  I  get  knocked  off  you  will  have  something  to 
amuse  you  in  case  you  go  into  a  convent. 

I  had  to  leave  all  those  sweters  an  caps  an 
everything  that  you  nitted  me  last  winter.  You 
dont  need  to  feel  bad  about  that  tho  cause  they 


248  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

wouldnt  let  us  wear  them  anyway.  If  everybody 
wore  all  the  stuff  thats  been  nitted  for  them  since 
the  war  started  this  would  look  more  like  an 
ice  carnival  than  an  army.  Its  sentiment  that 
counts,  tho,  not  wool. 

In  the  meantime  still 

Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

After  travelln  for  three  nites  we  dont  seem  to 
be  any  nearer  the  front  than  we  ever  was.  Ether 
the  Fritzes  are  retreatin  in  trucks  or  were  goin 
the  wrong  way.  The  only  reason  were  not  march- 
In  tonlte  is  because  when  we  got  into  this  town 
the  Captin  found  a  chatto  for  his  P.  C.  P.  C.  is 
military,  Mable.  It  means  a  place  for  the  Cap- 
tin.  Mike  Whozis,  the  Captins  orderly,  says  hes 
got  one  of  those  limosine  beds  with  a  roof  an 
sides  on  It.  Its  so  big  it  dont  make  any  difference 
how  you  lie  on  it.  If  all  he  says  about  It  is  true 
we  may  stick  around  for  the  rest  of  the  war. 

Well,  never  mind.  Sailor  Gare  as  the  French 
say.  Thats  some  old  pirate  they  blame  every- 
thing on  over  here. 

A  bunch  of  prisoners  came  in  last  nite.  They 
must  have  surrounded  half  the  German  army 
cause  it  looked  like  a  decorashun  day  parade  when 
the  M.P.  brought  them  in.  If  they  make  another 
hawl  like  that  well  have  about  as  much  to  fire  at 
up  at  the  front  as  we  did  back  on  the  range.    Id 


J    '' 

\/          W  ^  w\ 

^ 

'mike  whozis,  the  captins  orderly" 


250  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

never  seen  any  Fritzes  so  Angus  an  I  went  down 
to  the  pen  this  afternoon  to  see  if  they  were 
breakin  the  child  labor  law  or  had  any  wimmin 
with  machine  guns  tied  to  them  like  you  read 
about. 

The  pen  is  just  a  bunch  of  barracks  not  much 
better  than  the  place  where  we  sleep.  They  got 
a  lot  of  barb  wire  an  an  M.  P.  around  it.  The 
Fritzes  didnt  look  very  wild  to  me.  More  like  a 
bunch  of  stashun  porters  out  of  a  job.  We  tried 
to  argu  the  M.  P.  into  lettin  a  few  of  them  go  at 
a  time  sos  we  could  catch  them  agen  but  he  took 
the  war  awful  serious. 

I  got  in  wrong  with  the  Captin  agen  today. 
This  army  is  something  like  gamblin.  Which- 
ever way  you  decide  your  bound  to  lose  sooner  or 
later.  Youd  think  that  the  only  reason  a  fello 
would  give  you  food  was  because  he  expected  you 
to  eat  it.  Thats  because  you  dont  know  the  army. 
The  other  day  they  ishued  each  fello  what  they 
called  Irun  Rashuns.  That  means  a  can  of  petri- 
fied crackers  an  a  can  of  gold  fish.  Its  not  a  bad 
name  for  the  crackers.  Your  supposed  to  tote 
around  your  Irun  Rashuns  with  you  wherever  you 
go.     The  only  thing  is  that  you  mustnt  eat  them. 

When  they  handed  them  out  the  Captin  said 
we  wasnt  ever  to  eat  them  unless  we  absolutely 
had  to.  As  if  anybody  in  his  right  mind  would. 
Im  all  for  obeyin  orders  tho  when  it  dont  conflict 
with  my  duty.    Joe  Balderose  ate  his  half  an  hour 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  251 

after  breakfast  and  then  wanted  me  to  split  with 
him  on  mine.  I  says  "No.  Not  till  I  absolutely 
have  to.  An  then  111  be  so  far  gone  that  you  wont 
have  a  look  in."  I  waited  till  hap  past  ten  tho  I 
was  gettin  awful  weak  the  last  half  hour.  Youd 
ought  to  have  heard  the  Captin  when  he  saw  me. 
Youd  have  thought  I  was  eatin  some  of  his  old 
harness. 

As  far  as  I  can  see,  Mable,  its  just  another  of 
his  ways  of  passin  the  buck.  If  General  Perish- 
ing should  happen  to  find  one  of  us  starved  to 
death  some  mornin  he  wants  to  be  able  to  show 
him  we  had  plenty  of  food  on  us  when  we  slipped 
away.     Hes  smart  all  right,  that  fello. 

You  cant  tell  what  may  happen  before  I  have 
a  chance  to  rite  agen  but  we  wont  cross  any 
bridges  before  we  leap  as  the  poets  say. 

Yours  to  the  last  crum 

Bill 

Dere  Mable: 

Were  on  the  front  at  last  in  what  they  call  a 
quiet  sector.  Most  of  the  soldiers  round  this 
place  is  French.  I  understand  there  pretty  sore 
at  the  Americans  cause  some  of  them  came  up 
here  and  began  shootin  up  the  Germans.  Of 
course  you  cant  have  a  decent  war  if  nobodies 
goin  to  pay  any  atenshun  to  the  rules. 

The  worst  part  of  the  war  is  gettin  to  it.  I 
been  rained  on  so  much  the  last  week  I  feel  like 


252  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

an  old  sponge.  Every  nite  weve  been  marchln 
along  thru  the  pitch  dark  with  trucks  an  guns  an 
everything  else  that  rattles  poundin  along  on  each 
side. 

Nobody  could  strike  a  light  durin  the  whole 
trip.  Then  when  we  get  to  this  place  the  French- 
men that  we  were  goin  to  relieve  came  out  in  the 
road  with  lanterns  to  see  who  we  were.  Its  a 
wonder  the  Captin  didnt  make  us  crawl  up  on 
our  hands  an  knees. 

We  finally  got  the  guns  in  posishun.  How  we 
found  the  place  in  the  dark  is  more  than  I  can 
tell.  Were  in  the  middle  of  a  ruined  village.  It 
looks  like  those  picturs  of  old  Greek  office  build- 
ins  that  hangs  in  the  high  school  hall.  Its  funny, 
Mable,  but  the  first  real  rest  Ive  had  since  I  got 
in  the  army  is  since  Ive  got  to  the  front.  The 
only  livin  thing  we  see  is  rats  an  airyplanes.  The 
archies  shoot  all  day  at  the  planes  but  it  dont  seem 
to  bother  them  much.  They  just  sail  along  like  a 
limosine  with  a  lot  of  little  dogs  tryin  to  bite  off 
the  tires.  I  guess  if  they  ever  hit  one  the  shock 
would  kill  the  gun  crew  as  quick  as  it  would  the 
pilot. 

Our  guns  is  pointed  at  a  hill  right  in  front  of  us. 
Every  mornin  we  fire  a  few  shots  at  this  an  then 
spend  the  rest  of  the  day  cleanin  the  guns.  If 
they  used  these  guns  as  much  as  they  clean  them 
the  war  would  have  been  over  long  ago.  Toward 
evenin  the  Fritzes  return  the  complement.     Ev- 


'IVE  FOUND  THE   FIRST  REAL  USE   FOR  MY  TIN  DERBY 


254  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

erybody  comes  out  to  see  where  they  land  but 
they  must  fire  them  up  in  the  air  cause  nobodies 
ever  been  able  to  find  out  yet.  When  your  not 
cleanin  the  gun  or  on  gard  you  have  to  stay  down 
in  your  dugout  sos  the  airyplanes  wont  see  you. 
Theyve  got  to  be  awful  quick  if  they  want  to  get 
a  sight  of  me.  Ive  got  the  deepest  dugout  except 
for  the  Captin.  When  the  Top  sargent  wants  a 
detail  you  can  bet  hes  not  goin  to  clime  down 
fifty  steps  after  one  Buck  private. 

Ive  found  the  first  real  use  for  my  tin  derby. 
The  fello  that  invented  these  dugouts  couldnt 
seem  to  decide  wether  to  put  in  stairs  or  a  ladder 
so  he  split  the  difference.  Right  across  the  top 
of  the  entrance  he  put  a  nice  sharp  beam.  Its 
fixed  so  that  it  gets  you  in  the  chin  goin  down  an 
on  the  top  of  the  head  comin  up.  Hed  have  split 
more  than  the  difference  long  ago  if  it  hadnt  been 
for  that  tin  derby  of  mine. 

Marv  Motel,  whats  gunner  on  my  piece,  is 
busy  all  day  fixin  things  up.  He  says  if  were  goin 
to  be  here  the  rest  of  our  lives  we  mights  well 
have  things  homelike.  He  dug  up  an  old  rug  an 
a  lace  curtin  somewhere  that  the  Germans  had 
missed.  The  rug  hes  got  in  the  gun  pit  an  the 
curtin  over  the  trail  of  the  gun  to  set  the  barrage 
shell  on.  They  keep  a  shell  ready  all  the  time 
in  case  somebody  starts  a  battle  without  the  usual 
weeks  notice.  Marvs  got  it  shined  up  like  a 
young  doctors  door  plate.     Every  nite  he  raps 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!"  255 

it  up  an  put  an  old  one  in  its  place.  Angus  says 
when  he  gets  time  hes  goin  to  carve  the  names 
of  the  gun  crew  on  the  side  sos  we  can  take  it 
back  an  give  it  to  some  museum. 

Well,  Mable,  you  might  as  well  take  down  your 
service  flag.     I  guess  the  only  action  111  ever  see 
is  when  I  get  home  an  meet  Archie  Wainwright. 
Yours  till  theres  something  doin 

Bill 

Dere  Mable: 

Well,  you  can  take  your  service  flag  out  of 
moth  balls  agen.  An  if  the  Fritzes  try  any  more 
monkey  bisiness  like  they  did  this  mornin  you  can 
buy  a  can  of  radiator  paint  for  the  star. 

Angus  an  I  was  standin  outside  the  dugout  fin- 
ishin  our  mornin  goldfish  an  plannin  a  few  correk- 
shuns  for  the  army  when  a  boiler  exploshun  hap- 
pened right  behind  us.  After  things  had  quieted 
down  a  bit  I  looked  out  from  behind  a  piece  of 
old  stone  wall  where  I  seemed  to  be  lyin,  to  see  if 
there  was  anything  left  for  identificashun.  I  saw 
a  foot  layin  outside  the  dugout.  I  knew  it  be- 
longed to  Angus  cause  hes  the  only  man  in  the 
army  with  one  like  it.  I  was  just  goin  to  pick  it 
up  thinkin  his  family  might  like  it  to  remember 
him  by  when  another  foot  came  out.  Then  the 
whole  of  him.  Hed  crawled  under  an  old  pawlin 
that  had  been  spread  out  to  dry.  This  war  cer- 
tinly  has  proved  that  fish  aint  a  brain  food.    Out- 


256  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

side  of  bein  a  little  mussed  up  from  a  mud  pub- 
die  hed  found  under  the  pawlin  he  seemed  all 
right.  When  I  ast  him  if  he  was  lookin  for  any- 
thing, tho,  he  got  all  worked  up.  The  Skotch  is 
awful  emoshunal. 

While  we  was  standin  there  wonderin  wether 
somebodied  been  smokin  in  bed  in  the  amunishun 
dug  out  another  boiler  blew  up  right  in  front  of 
us.  At  least  I  think  it  was  in  front  as  near  as  I 
could  tell  from  the  bottom  of  the  dug  out  stairs. 
Angus  saved  my  life  that  time  cause  we  both  hap- 
pened to  go  down  the  stairs  together  an  I  went 
down  on  top  of  Angus. 

Marv  Motel  was  asleep  down  In  the  dug  out. 
He  got  awful  sore  an  wanted  to  know  how  a  fello 
was  ever  goln  to  get  any  rest  with  a  bunch  of  this 
an  that  fools  rough  housin  around  all  day.  Then 
came  two  more  black  hand  awtroclties.  Angus 
swears  the  second  one  rocked  the  dug  out  so  his 
mess  kit  slid  right  offen  the  table.  Things  quieted 
down  after  that  so  we  went  out  finally  to  see  if 
we  could  pick  up  any  soovenirs  out  of  the  wreck. 

V^jil,  Mable,  Id  have  bet  anybodies  money 
before  I  went  out  that  none  of  those  shots  had 
lit  more  than  ten  feet  away.  It  took  us  half  an 
hour  tho  before  we  could  locate  all  the  holes. 
When  we  did  they  was  all  about  a  hundred  yards 
away.  The  funny  part  about  it  was  that  there 
was  one  in  front  and  back  an  one  on  each  side 
of  the  battery. 


ANOTHER  BOILER  BLEW  UP  RIGHT  IN  FRONT  OF  US 


258  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

The  Captin  came  out  of  his  dug-out  while  we 
was  lookin  at  them.  I  guess  hed  been  down  there 
doin  some  deep  thinkin.  He  looked  them  over 
like  he  was  Shylock  Homes  or  somebody.  Then 
he  said  that  was  an  old  Fritz  trick  to  put  a  shot 
on  all  four  sides  of  a  battery.  Some  day  when 
he  had  lots  of  amunishun  hed  split  the  diference. 
All  I  can  say  is  that  when  he  starts  splittin  Im 
goin  to  set  a  new  rekord  down  these  dug  out 
stairs  wether  Angus  is  there  to  ride  on  or  not. 

Nothins  happened  since  so  weve  all  been  hopin 
that  those  was  just  four  old  shots  that  the  Ger- 
mans wanted  to  get  rid  of.  A  truck  came  in  last 
nite  with  a  lot  of  bread  an  a  quarter  of  a  cow 
done  up  in  burlap  like  summer  furniture  so  every- 
bodies  forgot  the  war  in  favor  of  a  roast  beef 
dinner. 

It  certinly  is  goin  to  make  me  laugh,  Mable, 
if  I  should  ever  get  home  an  see  those  sines  about 
bread  all  done  up  in  tishue  paper  what  aint  never 
touched  human  hands  since  the  fello  that  rapped 
it  up.  Over  here  they  handle  bread  like  coal  only 
a  little  rougher  not  havin  any  shoots  an  things. 

Our  bread  comes  in  round  loaves  like  the 
French.  Its  handier  to  carry  an  dont  bust  so 
easy  when  it  hits  things.  Ive  seen  the  doboys 
bore  a  hole  in  the  middle  and  sling  a  loaf  over 
there  shoulder  with  a  piece  of  string  like  a  pair 
of  feel  glasses.     I  suppose  theyll  be  gettin  out 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!"  259 

an  order  pretty  soon  about  which  side  your  to 
wear  your  bread  on. 

After  all  Ive  eat  tho  I  aint  dead  yet.  Of  course 
thats  no  permanent  health  certifikate. 

I  started  this  letter  early  this  mornin.  Now  Its 
almost  nite  agen.  A  fello  never  can  get  any 
work  done  without  gettin  interupted  In  the  army. 
I  got  to  quit  now  cause  I  was  supposed  to  relieve 
Marv  Motel  on  gard  half  an  hour  ago  sos  he 
could  get  his  supper.  I  guess  he  wont  mind  when 
he  finds  out  weve  gone  back  to  gold  fish  agen. 
yours  till  they  split  the  diference 

Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

We  fooled  the  Fritzes  by  puUIn  out  of  that 
last  place  before  theyd  had  a  chance  to  split  the 
diference.  We  came  back  to  this  little  town  for 
what  they  call  a  rest.  That  word  "rest"  dont  mean 
the  same  thing  as  the  one  we  use.  For  Instance 
when  an  oficer  comes  Into  the  room  everybodys 
supposed  to  jump  up  like  theyd  been  sittin  on  a 
tack.  Then  he  says  "Rest."  Youd  naturally 
think  he  meant  He  down  an  take  It  easy  for  an 
hour  or  so.  All  he  means  Is  that  you  dont  have 
to  stand  like  a  windo  dummle. 

An  then  agen  when  your  standin  in  line  an 
somebody  says  "Parade  rest."  Insted  of  lyin 
down  In  the  grass  somewhere  an  takin  a  smoke 
you  grab  hold  of  your  thums  an  stick  one  foot 


26o  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

in  front  of  the  other  like  those  old  fotografs  of 
your  grandfather  in  the  album. 

The  worst  kind  of  rest  tho  Is  when  you  get 
back  in  a  place  like  this.  That  means  eight  hours 
a  day  scrubbin  guns  an  drillin  an  smoothin  out 
horses.  If  that  doesnt  seem  to  set  you  on  your 
feet  you  stand  gard  all  nite. 

The  Bilitin  oficer  likes  this  place.  Hes  got  my 
gun  squad  in  a  barn  with  half  the  roof  shot  off 
an  the  other  half  awful  undecided.  It  isnt  the 
part  thats  gone  we  mind  so  much  as  the  part 
thats  left.  Id  hate  to  come  all  this  way  just  to 
interfere  with  a  brick.  Everybody  wears  there 
tin  derby  to  bed  at  nite. 

Payday  came  along  this  mornin.  In  the  after- 
noon a  couple  of  doboys  came  along  that  had 
just  been  paid  to.  Me  an  Angus  took  them  on 
for  a  friendly  game  right  off  the  Main  street.  It 
was  rainin  an  the  wind  was  blowin  cats  an  dogs 
but  we  had  most  of  the  doboys  money  an  they 
didnt  seem  to  want  to  go  till  we  had  it  all  so 
nobody  minded  the  wether  much.  Angus  had 
just  passed  six  times  an  about  all  the  money  we 
had  was  bet  when  there  was  a  swish  like  a  punc- 
tured tire  an  everything  seemed  to  blow  up  all 
around. 

There  is  times  in  this  world  when  you  dont 
stop  to  figger  what  nobody  owes  you.  When  I 
looked  up  agen  I  could  see  where  it  had  lit  in  an 
old  wreck  across  the  street.     The  next  thing  I 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  261 

noticed  was  that  the  doboys  an  all  the  money 
was  gone.  We  never  did  find  out  wether  they 
was  blown  up  or  skipped. 

Were  goin  to  move  out  of  here  now  in  a  day 
or  two.  The  Captin  says  were  goin  to  a  more 
active  sector. 

Yours  till  you  read  It  In  the  papers 

Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

Were  In  a  new  posishun.  That  sounds  like 
those  vawdevel  fellos  that  paint  themselves  gold 
an  stand  on  one  leg  or  a  hired  girl.  It  aint 
nothin  like  that  tho.  In  the  army  a  posishun  Is 
anywhere  your  guns  happen  to  be.  Just  now  ours 
Is  in  a  woods  an  a  couple  of  feet  of  mud. 

The  horses  is  showin  wear  to.  If  theyd  done 
half  the  work  I  have  theyd  be  wearin  a  tin  jacket 
labeled  corn  Willie  long  ago.  Most  of  them  is 
so  thin  you  could  hang  your  hat  on  there  hips  an 
there  ribs  would  make  a  good  letter  file. 

Every  horse  has  got  a  gas  mask  tied  under 
his  chin.  They  think  there  nose  bags  an  pretty 
near  break  there  necks  tryin  to  get  at  them.  Ive 
showed  my  horse  his  mask  open  an  everything. 
He  doesnt  seem  to  catch  on  tho.  Thats  the 
trouble  with  these  French  horses.  You  cant  make 
them  understand. 

The  Captin  sent  me  back  In  the  woods  on  a 
little  undertakin  job  today.     Lem  Wattles  horse 


262  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

had  succeeded  In  dyin  after  beln  at  it  for  two 
weeks.  It  was  the  only  thing  he  ever  put  any 
effort  in.  Just  to  look  at  him  you  wouldnt  see 
what  took  him  so  long.  That  horse  just  couldnt 
do  anything  quick  tho.  It  seems  Im  always  bury- 
in  horses.  There  so  darn  contrary  theyll  drag 
themselves  for  miles  just  to  die  at  my  feet. 

We  was  sittin  on  the  corps  restin  a  while  before 
we  started  to  work  when  we  heard  one  of  those 
high  powered  wash  boilers  go  off  back  by  the 
guns.  A  minit  later  another  landed.  We  post- 
poned the  funeral  an  went  back  to  collect  the  iden- 
tificashun  tags.  One  shell  had  lit  right  behind  my 
gun  an  thrown  mud  all  over  it.  The  other  had 
planted  itself  in  a  field  just  outside  the  woods. 

Now  we  got  to  pull  out  of  here  tonite  an  go 
somewhere  else  like  a  fello  tryin  to  sleep  on  a 
park  bench. 

A  lot  of  the  fellos  families  is  givin  there  letters 
to  the  newspapers.  Sometimes  they  print  there 
picturs  with  them.  Lem  Wattles  what  never  had 
his  name  in  the  paper  before  except  when  he 
used  to  get  arrested,  showed  me  a  piece  about 
two  feet  long  with  his  face  on  top.  Of  course 
none  of  the  things  he  rote  about  ever  happened. 
He  was  back  at  trainin  camp  when  he  rote  them. 
Lem  will  fight  If  you  call  him  a  liar  tho. 

I  dont  mean  this  as  a  hint  to  you  to  give  my 
letters  to  the  papers  cause  Im  tryin  to  avoid 
publicity. 


'lem  wattles  what  never  had  his  name  in  the  paper" 


264  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

Im  goin  to  turn  in  now  a  fighter  cant  get  to 
much  sleep.  Besides  I  was  on  gard  last  nite 
an  my  brains  seem  to  be  dead  today. 

as  always  modist 

Bill 

\ 
Dere  Mable: 

I  got  a  new  job.  Im  an  artilery  runner  with 
the  infantry.  Dont  get  the  idear  Im  on  some 
kind  of  a  track  team  cause  theres  one  thing  a 
runner  dont  do  an  thats  run.  Im  not  sure  yet 
what  the  jobs  all  about  myself.  I  dont  seem  to 
be  in  the  artilery  any  more  an  Im  not  in  the 
doboys.     Mugwump.    Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

As  far  as  I  can  make  out  the  artilery  send  an 
oficer  up  to  live  with  the  infantry  an  keep  the 
doboy  majors  mind  off  the  war.  He  plays  stud 
poker  with  him  an  explains  that  those  shells  were 
Fritzes  and  not  ours  that  busted  all  over  his 
prize  company  the  other  day.  They  dont  believe 
each  other  cause  nether  of  them  thinks  the  other 
fello  knows  what  hes  talkin  about  so  they  get 
along  pretty  good. 

The  artilery  oficer  has  two  runners  with  him 
In  case  he  wants  a  clean  shirt  or  something  from 
the  battery.  Me  an  Joe  Mink  just  lie  around 
and  wait  for  something  to  happen.  Nothin  ever 
happens  tho  so  we  just  lie  around  an  wait. 

Were  livin  right  up  in  the  trenches  now,  Mable. 
Right  down  in  them  would  be  more  like  it.    This 


WERE   LIVIN  RIGHT  UP  IN  THE  TRENCHES  NOW 


266  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

idear  of  comin  into  the  war  last  certlnly  has  ad- 
vantages. Every  time  I  look  at  all  these  trenches 
an  holes  I  feel  sorry  for  the  poor  fello  what  had 
to  dig  them.  Whoever  laid  em  out  didnt  seem 
to  have  much  Idear  of  where  he  wanted  to  go. 
Most  of  them  wander  around  awhile  an  come 
back  to  where  they  started.  All  of  them  are  as 
crooked  as  a  plummers  assistant.  If  anyone  asks 
you  where  a  place  is  around  here  your  safe  in 
sayin  right  around  the  corner. 

Everywhere  you  step  theres  a  foot  of  mud  an 
water.  If  there  wasnt  so  many  corners  you  could 
get  around  better  in  a  canoo.  They  got  sidewalks 
in  most  of  the  trenches  they  call  duck  boards.  A 
duck  board  is  a  lot  of  little  slats  nailed  across  a 
couple  of  wooden  rails.  The  way  there  laid  it 
looks  as  tho  somebody  had  walked  along  the  top 
of  the  trench  an  dropped  the  seckshuns  In.  Some 
Is  upside  down,  some  lap  over  each  other,  some 
Is  leanin  agenst  the  sides  of  the  trench  an  In  the 
deep  places  some  Isnt  there  at  all,  Joe  Mink 
says  It  keeps  a  fello  on  his  toes. 

Every  four  or  five  feet  they  leave  out  half  a 
dozen  slats.  If  you  dont  break  your  neck  In  one 
of  these  places  they  get  the  corners  banked  the 
wrong  way  sq  youU  slide  off  an  get  drownd.  If 
they  miss  you  on  the  straltaway  theyll  get  you  on 
the  turns.  i 

The  Lootenant  sleeps  with  a  couple  of  doboy 
oficers  in  a  sekshun  of  engine  boiler  set  In  the  side 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  267 

of  the  trench.  I  sleep  down  In  a  place  that  looks 
like  an  old  mine.  About  the  only  way  you  could 
get  a  shell  Into  the  thing  would  be  to  lower  it 
down  with  a  rope.  Its  the  best  billet  Ive  struck 
up  here  tho.  Theres  no  windos  for  fresh  air 
feends  to  be  monkeyin  with  all  the  time,  an  of 
course  there  aint  no  light  to  shine  In  your  face 
when  your  tryin  to  sleep.  The  only  trouble  is 
theres  seven  fellos  sleepin  there  an  only  five  bunks 
so  we  got  to  take  turns  sleepin.  The  floor  is  to 
muddy. 

That  is  to  say,  Mable,  seven  fellos  an  two 
hundred  rats.  I  never  used  to  take  much  stock 
in  those  rat  stories  but  I  certlnly  take  off  my  hat 
to  them  now.  Thats  about  all  you  can  take  off 
unless  you  want  to  get  eaten.  These  fellos  will 
eat  anything  from  the  hobnails  out  of  your  shoes 
to  a  bag  of  Bull.  They  make  a  goat  look  like  a 
dispeptik.  You  dont  notice  them  while  the  candles 
are  lit  an  your  movin  around.  As  soon  as  you 
blow  out  the  light  an  lie  still,  tho,  you  can  hear 
them  comin  out  all  over  to  have  dinner  off  your 
equipment. 

They  have  what  they  call  a  runners  bench  out- 
side the  tin  house  where  the  Lootenant  sleeps. 
Joe  an  I  is  supposed  to  take  turns  sittin  there. 
Its  something  like  the  bell  hops  bench  in  a  hotel 
only  this  Is  an  active  front.  You  wont  get  that 
for  a  minit,  Mable,  All  you  can  here  when  your 
sittin   out   there   a    fello    inside    saying   "Hello. 


268  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI'' 

Pancake.  Get  off  the  wire  Peggy.  I  want  Pan- 
cake. Pancake  busy?  Give  me  Pauline.  Is  that 
you  Purgatory?    This  Is  Pineapple  speakln." 

After  Id  lissened  to  that  for  about  half  an  hour 
I  felt  like  the  gate  gard  of  a  bug  house.  I  got 
hold  of  the  Lootenant  in  a  friendly  way  an  told 
him  Id  go  halves  on  my  bunk  with  him  cause  I 
didn't  think  it  was  safe  to  sleep  with  that  fello. 
He  might  think  he  was  a  crum  some  night  an  try 
to  choke  somebody.  The  Lootenant  said  that  was 
just  a  way  they  had  of  telefonin  up  here.  He 
said  you  never  could  tell  when  a  German  might 
be  lyin  up  on  the  roof  or  under  a  bunk  lissenin 
to  you.  On  account  of  that  nobody  called  any- 
body else  by  there  right  name.  For  instance  he 
said  they  called  the  General  Pancake  an  the  Col- 
onel Peggy  an  this  place  was  called  Pineapple. 

The  more  I  thought  about  it  the  more  it  sound- 
ed like  a  good  sensible  idear  to  me.  I  went  in 
an  told  the  Lootenant  that  unless  he  had  some- 
thing better  I  thought  Id  call  him  Prune  juice 
from  then  on.  He  said  Id  guessed  wrong  unless 
I  wanted  to  act  as  a  stone  crusher  on  a  road  gang. 
The  trouble  with  most  of  these  fellos  is  there  to 
stuck  up  to  play  the  game.  Its  all  right  to  call 
a  General  Pancake  or  a  Colonel  Peggy  but  you 
want  to  watch  out  what  you  call  a  2nd  Lootenant. 

Well  Mable,  if  what  they  say  is  true  the  do- 
boys  will  be  goln  over  pretty  soon.  The  Looten- 
ant says  were  goin  with  em.     Its  about  as  good 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!"  269 

a  chance  to  pick  up  a  few  first  hand  soovenirs  as 
a  fello  could  want.  In  case  anything  happens  like 
my  gettin  killed  or  such  dont  bother  about  goln 
into  mornin  or  buyin  a  lot  of  new  letter  paper. 
Just  give  them  that  pictur  of  me  standin  In  front 
of  the  American  flag.  An  when  the  reporters  call 
for  details  remember  the  skies  the  limit. 

yours  until  the  Fritzes  get  me 

Bill 


Dere  Mable: 

Its  nobodies  fault  but  the  Fritzes  that  you  aint 
gettin  an  extinguished  service  medal  insted  of 
this  letter.  A  couple  of  mornins  after  I  rote  you 
last  Joe  woke  me  up  an  said  they  were  puttin  on 
a  battle  upstairs.  From  the  way  they  were  shoot- 
in  things  up  he  thought  they  ought  to  be  down  in 
the  dug-out  in  a  little  while.  Joes  the  kind  of  a 
fello  that  gets  you  up  an  hour  before  theres  any 
need  for  it.  I  told  him  to  call  me  when  he  heard 
them  at  the  top  of  the  stairs.  Practical.  Thats 
me  all  over,  Mable.  Then  I  turned  over  to  get 
some  sleep. 

Then  the  Lootenant  came  runnin  down  cussin 
an  swearin  because  the  fone  was  busted.  He  told 
us  wed  have  to  go  back  to  the  battery  an  tell  em 
to  snap  out  of  it  an  show  the  Fritzes  that  It  took 
two  to  make  an  argument.  From  where  we  was 
the  Fritzes  seemed  to  be  puttin  up  a  pretty  good 


270  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

argument  all  alone  an  most  of  It  seemed  to  be 
goin  in  the  direckshun  of  the  battery.  But  Joe 
says  Sailor  Gare  so  we  started  off  down  the  road. 
There  was  plenty  of  noise  out  there.  It  was  awful 
foggy  but  you  could  see  the  red  flashes  once  in  a 
while  when  one  of  them  lit  in  a  field  near  the  road. 

Every  time  one  busted  Joe  would  duck  into  a 
ditch.  He  had  me  doin  it  pretty  soon.  The  more 
we  ducked  the  more  we  couldnt  help  it  till  we 
was  goin  down  the  road  like  a  couple  of  Rushin 
dancers.  Then  we  broke  all  the  rules  of  the 
runners  union  an  ran. 

We  didnt  have  no  trouble  findin  the  Captin 
cause  we  knew  just  where  to  look.  Just  as  we 
started  to  go  down  in  his  dug-out  we  heard  a  big 
one  comin  and  both  landed  together  at  the  bot- 
tom. After  a  fellos  face  gets  broken  in  to  goin 
down  stairs  that  way  its  the  easiest  way.  The 
Captin  was  awful  sore.  He  wanted  to  know  what 
the  this  an  that  we  meant  by  comin  in  without 
knockin.  That  fello  would  want  you  to  salute 
if  you  had  both  arms  shot  off.  I  didnt  say  nothin. 
Just  gave  him  the  Lootenants  message. 

That  seemed  to  make  him  madder  still.  He 
pushed  the  papers  around  on  his  desk  an  said 
didnt  that  one  thing  an  another  Lootenant  know 
he  couldnt  get  fire  without  orders  from  regimental 
headquarters.  An  didnt  he  know  that  regimental 
headquarters  couldnt  give  any  order  till  they  was 
asked  for  it  by  doboy  headquarters.    An  why  the 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!"  271 

this  an  that  didnt  we  go  to  the  doboys  if  we 
wanted  some  fire. 

Id  like  to  have  told  him  where  to  go  to  get 
some  fire.  I  just  saluted  tho,  an  said  "Yes  sir." 
Spirited.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable.  Then  we 
went  back  to  pass  the  buck  to  the  Lootenant.  The 
doboy  oficers  was  all  sittin  around  tellin  him  how 
good  the  Ingllsh  artilery  was.  A  couple  of  hours 
later  when  Joe  an  I  was  havin  breakfast  we  heard 
the  battery  fire  about  twenty  shots.  The  doboys 
said  it  was  lucky  we  didnt  fire  any  more  cause 
they  was  probably  all  shorts  anyway.  That  dont 
mean  that  they  were  a  different  size  or  anything, 
Mable.  A  short  is ,  a  shell  that  hasnt  got  the 
ambishun. 

I  went  up  to  an  artilery  observashun  post  with 
the  Lootenant  the  other  day.  Only  it  isnt  a  post 
but  a  round  tin  house  like  a  ticket  office  set  in  the 
trenches  on  top  of  a  hill.  Theres  a  slit  cut  in  the 
front  to  look  thru.  The  Lootenant  showed  me 
where  Nobodies  land  was.  I  could  see  the  Fritz 
trenches  ninnin  in  front  of  a  piece  of  woods  about 
half  a  mile  away.  They  must  have  all  been  away 
on  a  furlo  or  something  cause  there  wasnt  as 
much  as  a  fly  sittin  over  there. 

This  is  a  great  place  for  soovenirs.  I  got  a 
lot  of  buttons,  a  piece  of  shell,  a  couple  of  bones 
I  found  stickin  out  of  the  trench  an  a  Fritz  hand 
grenade.  As  soon  as  I  can  find  a  box  Im  goin 
to  send  you  the  whole  bunch.     I  wouldnt  monkey 


272  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

with  the  hand  grenade  much.  It  doesnt  look  as 
If  It  had  ever  exploded.  Give  It  to  Archie  Waln- 
wrlght  an  tell  him  Its  a  trench  warmer.  Maybe 
hell  stick  It  In  the  fire. 

In  the  afternoon  when  things  Is  quiet  an  every- 
bodles  asleep  we  go  out  an  throw  hand  grenades 
at  the  rats.  Thats  good  sport  cause  you  got  to  be 
quick  or  youll  get  your  self  Insted  of  a  rat.  Joe 
Mink  had  to  spoil  It  of  course  by  blowin  In  dug 
outs.  Hed  have  been  all  right  If  hed  picked  old 
dug  outs  but  he  wasnt  satisfied  till  hed  found  one 
with  a  fello  comin  up  the  stairs.  I  dont  see  yet 
tho  why  there  was  such  a  holler  raised.  The  old 
thing  didnt  go  off.  It  just  caught  the  fello  In  the 
stummick  an  knocked  some  wind  out.  He  blacked 
Joes  eyes  an  then  went  to  the  Major.  Joes  back 
in  the  eschelon  now  groomin  horses.  Angus  Mac- 
Kenzle  has  come  up  In  his  place  so  Im  just  as 
satisfied. 

I  guess  were  goln  across  pretty  soon  now.  Then 
111  be  able  to  get  a  helmet  an  a  looger  pistel  an  a 
pair  of  feel  glasses.  I  guess  the  Fritzes  are  gettin 
scared.     I  hope  there  not  as  scared  as  I  am. 

yours  Indefinitely 
Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

Since  I  rote  you  last  I  been  over  the  top  with 
the  doboys,  taken  a  woods  that  I  cant  see  why 
anybody  wanted,  an  collected  enuff  soovenirs  to 


0^^ 

i 

m 

if! 

1 

K 

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V 

^ 

II 
M 

1 

1  Mm  11 

r 

i 

i 

1 
1 

p 

1 
iiiiii 

j! 
iliii 

i 

liliL 

^ 

'it  doesnt  look  as  if  it  had  ever  exploded" 


274  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

equip  a  South  American  army,  Im  ritin  this 
from  a  Fritz  dug-out  in  the  middle  of  the  woods 
on  Fritz  oficers  paper.  If  Id  telefoned  ahed  he 
couldnt  have  had  things  fixed  up  better  for  me. 
There  was  a  lunch  out  on  the  table  an  blankets 
an  even  clean  underdose  (if  youll  excuse  my  men- 
shuning  them) .  They  used  to  have  electric  lights 
here  but  somebody  soovenired  the  dinamo  so  they 
wont  work. 

The  nite  before  we  went  over  four  more  ar- 
tilery  runners  came  up.  I  ast  the  Lootenant  if 
they  was  plannin  to  send  any  doboys  over  to  help 
us  in  the  attack.  He  said  there  had  to  be  a  lot 
of  runners  sos  that  when  two  went  back  with  a 
message  an  got  killed  he  could  send  two  more. 
Always  cheery  an  bright,  the  Lootenant. 

The  nite  before  the  attack  we  went  up  to  a 
tunnel  thats  dug  right  under  a  hill  an  has  got 
rooms  in  it  an  everything.  Those  fellos  didnt 
seem  to  care  how  many  shovels  they  wore  out. 
We  got  into  it  down  a  long  flight  of  steps  in  the 
pitch  dark  where  I  like  to  have  broke  my  neck. 
Then  down  a  long  passage  feelin  your  way  along 
the  road.  Every  four  or  five  feet  somebody 
would  run  into  you  an  cuss  you. 

At  last  we  came  round  a  bend  an  there  was  all 
the  doboys  sittin  in  the  mud  eatin  supper  an 
smokin.  The  only  lights  they  had  was  pieces  of 
candle  stuck  up  on  there  equipment.  It  looked 
like  the  whole  army  was  in  that  tunnel  an  all 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  275 

smokin  at  the  same  time.  The  Lootenant  told  us 
to  make  ourselves  comfortable  then  he  disap- 
peared into  one  of  the  rooms  off  to  the  side. 

About  ten  o'clock  all  the  doboys  got  up  an 
went  out.  Then  we  sat  in  the  mud  and  waited 
for  three  hours.  Angus  found  some  duck  boards 
and  went  to  sleep. 

Some  time  after  midnite  a  lot  of  oficers  came 
out  of  the  room.  We  walked  thru  the  tunnel  so 
far  that  I  figgered  that  we  must  be  comin  out 
somewhere  behind  the  German  lines.  At  last  we 
climed  a  flight  of  stairs  an  there  we  were  right  out 
doors.  Id  expected  thered  be  an  awful  battle 
goin  on  by  that  time  but  everything  was  as  quiet 
as  church  except  for  a  few  big  ones  that  would 
sail  over  every  once  in  a  while.  The  stars  were 
all  out  just  like  it  was  an  ordinary  nite.  We 
walked  along  a  lot  of  paths  an  fell  over  a  lot 
of  old  barb  wire,  then  dropped  into  a  trench.  It 
struck  me  that  was  the  time  to  go  across  while 
things  were  quiet.  But  I  heard  the  doboy  Major 
say  that  there  was  only  four  more  hours  to  wait. 
These  fellos  are  worse  than  your  family  for  gettin 
to  places  on  time. 

Everything  was  quiet  for  a  long  time.  Then 
all  of  a  sudden  all  the  guns  in  the  world  began 
bangin  away  at  the  same  minit.  Over  the  top  of 
the  hill  behind  us  an  as  far  as  you  could  see 
ether  way  it  was  just  one  big  flash.  Then  the 
shells  began  racin  over,  squealin  an  whisselin  an 


276  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

rumblln  along  like  they  was  racln  each  other  to 
see  who  was  goin  to  get  first  crack  at  the  Fritzes. 

Every  one  of  them  seemed  to  have  its  own 
speshul  whissel  tied  onto  it.  Some  of  them  rum- 
bled along  like  a  fast  train  hittin  a  down  grade. 
Some  would  just  sing  an  hum  to  themselves  sort 
of  quiet  an  happy  while  others  would  go  yellin 
an  screamin  across  like  the  fire  department  on  an 
exhibishun  run.  There  was  one  bunch  that 
squealed  like  a  trolly  goin  round  a  turn  on  dry 
rails.  You  sort  of  felt  as  if  someone  ought  to 
grease  it. 

Besides  all  these  noises  over  our  heads  there 
was  the  poundin  an  hammerin  behind  us  from  the 
guns  themselves.  The  big  fellos  just  boom 
boomed  away  like  a  bunch  of  base  drums.  Up 
nearer  tho  it  was  like  a  mountin  of  giant  fire 
crackers  goin  off  together.  Then  thered  be  a  let 
up  for  a  second  like  a  fello  thats  awful  mad  but 
runs  out  of  words.  After  that  theyd  go  at  it 
agen  harder  than  ever. 

The  best  part  of  it  was  that  most  of  them  was 
our  own  shells.  The  Fritzes  didnt  seem  to  get 
into  the  spirit  of  the  thing  at  all.  Every  few  min- 
utes theyd  sail  over  a  big  one  right  near  the  tunnel 
where  we  came  out.  That  was  about  as  safe  a 
place  as  he  could  have  put  em  cause  there  wasnt 
anybody  there. 

At  first  the  noise  an  everything  gave  a  fello 
something  to  think  about.    After  a  while  tho  you 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  277 

got  used  to  It  just  like  you  do  to  NIagra  Falls  or 
a  steam  radiator.  Then  there  wasnt  anything  to 
do  but  get  cold  an  ask  about  the  time.  A  couple 
of  doboys  got  tellln  each  other  what  kind  of  a 
dinner  theyd  order  if  they  was  some  place  where 
they  wasnt.  Whenever  you  get  uncomfortable 
enuff  a  couple  of  fellos  like  that  always  show  up. 
I  slid  down  In  the  bottom  of  the  trench  where  it 
was  a  little  warmer  an  tried  to  smoke  a  cigaret 
under  my  hand.  I  must  have  dropped  off  to 
sleep  cause  the  next  thing  I  knew  I  was  all  doubled 
up  In  the  bottom  of  the  trench  an  half  froze.  I 
heard  somebody  say  "Fifteen  minltes  more."  The 
guns  was  goln  It  harder  than  ever.  If  we  hadnt 
won  that  scrap  wed  have  had  to  knock  off  the 
war  for  a  couple  of  months  till  they  got  some 
more  amunlshun. 

Goin  over  wasnt  much.  Id  read  so  many  things 
about  how  you  felt  just  before  an  just  when  an 
just  after  that  I  tried  to  figger  just  how  I  did 
feel.  I  was  so  cold  I  couldnt  feel  anything  tho. 
I  was  thinkin  about  this  when  somebody  says 
"Snap  out  of  It  ahead  there.  There  goin."  An 
there  was  the  Lootenant  boostin  the  Major  out  of 
the  trench  an  a  lot  of  doboys  with  their  rifles  in 
there  hands  hurryin  along  the  top  an  disappearin 
in  the  fog. 

Just  as  we  got  out  of  the  trench  the  worst 
noise  started  I  ever  heard.  It  made  all  the  shootin 
that  went  before  sound  like  a  fello  drummin  on 


278  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

the  table  with  a  couple  of  knives.  Even  the 
machine  guns  was  In  It  this  time.  They  sounded 
like  a  rivitin  competlshun  In  a  ship  yard.  I  heard 
somebody  say  "There  goes  our  machine  gun  bar- 
rage. I  hope  they  get  It  over  our  heads."  He 
struck  me  as  a  pretty  sensible  fello. 

Somebody  had  marked  the  place  up  with  tape 
like  a  tennis  court.  We  followed  along  one  of 
these  till  we  came  to  another  tape  runnin  the  same 
way  as  the  trenches.  There  was  a  lot  of  doboys 
lyin  down  there  an  a  lot  of  others  comin  up  thru 
the  fog,  half  runnin,  half  walkin  an  all  of  them 
stooped  over  like  they  was  carryin  something 
heavy. 

In  front  It  was  just  fog.  We  could  see  red 
flashes  runnin  thru  It  like  bubbles  In  boilin  water 
where  the  shells  from  our  barrage  was  bustin. 
The  fog  didnt  go  very  high  cause  you  could  make 
out  a  little  blue  sky  once  In  a  while.  Then  right 
thru  the  top  of  it  came  tearin  out  a  regular  fourth 
of  July  celebrashun  of  Fritz  fireworks.  They 
were  just  like  the  rockets  at  Weewillo  Park  that 
spit  out  long  snakes  of  gold  fire  like  a  broom 
when  they  bust.  The  nearer  that  barrage  came  to 
the  Fritz  trenches  the  faster  they  went  up  all  along 
the  line. 

We  lay  there  a  few  minltes  till  everybody  came 
up.  The  thing  that  struck  me  now  was  that  I 
wasnt  scared.  Id  been  more  afraid  of  bein  scared 
than  anything  else.    Then  the  Major  got  up  an 


THERE  WAS  THE  LOOTENANT  BOOSTIN  THE  MAJOR  OUT  OF  THE  TRENCH" 


28o  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

started  on  with  everybody  else  tagg'in  along  with 
him.  It  was  to  foggy  to  see  what  was  happenin 
on  each  side.  We  went  down  a  hill.  It  got 
swampy  an  we  struck  some  duck  boards.  Some- 
body must  have  been  over  before  us  an  put  them 
down.  If  they  could  get  around  as  easy  as  that 
it  beat  me  what  they  were  makin  all  this  fuss  for. 

All  around  us  was  big  shell  holes  filled  with 
water.  They  gave  the  Americans  a  second  hand 
battle  field  to  begin  on.  The  French  had  used  it 
lots  of  times  before.  Once  I  lost  sight  of  the 
Lootenant  an  stepped  off  the  duck  boards  to  pass 
some  doboys.  It  was  like  steppin  into  a  well. 
There  didnt  seem  to  be  any  bottom  to  it.  I 
grabbed  hold  of  a  doboy  that  was  goin  by  but  he 
pushed  me  back  agen  an  says  "Who  the  this  an 
that  do  you  think  your  mawlin  around  here?" 
Then  somebody  gave  me  a  hand.  What  I  needed 
more  than  a  tin  derby  was  a  pair  of  water  wings. 
I  didnt  feel  cold  any  more  tho. 

Something  happened  to  the  duckboards  an  we 
was  wadin  in  mud  to  our  knees.  Every  once  in  a 
while  Id  slip  into  a  shell  hole  an  then  Id  have 
to  run  to  catch  up  agen.  That  Major  must  have 
been  brought  up  in  Indiana  the  way  he  got  thru 
the  mud.  My  rapped  leggins  began  to  shrink  an 
the  cavs  of  my  legs  hurt  something  awful.  But 
we  kept  goin  an  goin  without  ever  gettin  to  the 
Fritz  trenches. 

After  a  while  we  came  to  a  little  creek  about 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  281 

ten  foot  wide  with  bushes  along  each  side.  The 
Major  an  a  couple  of  the  oficers  just  jumped  right 
in  an  waded  across.  It  wasnt  much  over  there 
waste  but  it  looked  awful  cold  an  black  slippin 
along  thru  the  fog.  The  doboys  stood  for  a  minit 
on  the  bank  shivering  like  a  dog  when  you  throw 
a  stick  he  wants  in  a  pond  he  knows  is  cold. 

I  wish  you  could  have  heard  the  Major  cuss. 
He  had  a  line  that  would  have  driven  a  team  of 
mules  without  reins  or  a  whip.  Naturally  havin 
gotten  all  wet  he  couldnt  see  callin  the  battle  off 
there.  Pretty  soon  some  doboy  jumped  In  right 
where  hed  gone  over.  Then  it  seemed  like  the 
whole  army  was  fightin  to  get  across  in  that  one 
place.  Of  course  they  had  the  whole  creek  to 
pick  from  but  somehow  nobody  tJbiought  of  that 
till  everything  was  all  over. 

All  this  time  I  kept  thinkin  how  we  was  most 
across  Nobodies  land  an  I  wasnt  scared  yet.  I  got 
so  cocky  about  it  I  stopped  to  light  a  cigaret  just 
to  show  the  doboys  that  a  battle  or  so  didnt  make 
no  difference  to  me  one  way  or  the  other.  But 
we  were  thru  the  swamp  now  an  my  legs  hurt 
agen.  We  came  to  a  road  runnin  right  down  the 
middle  of  Nobodies  Land.  The  Major  stopped 
here  an  sent  out  fellos  to  see  where  the  rest  of 
the  outfit  was.  The  fog  was  still  so  thick  you 
couldnt  see  nothin  an  you  couldnt  hear  nothin  of 
course  on  acount  of  the  racket. 

All  of  a  sudden  a  flock  of  machine  guns  got 


282  'SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

under  way  at  the  same  time.  There  was  a  noise 
all  around  like  a  bunch  of  fellos  whisselln  thru 
there  teeth.  Everyone  dropped  down  in  the  grass. 
I  lay  so  close  to  the  ground  I  bet  I  was  a  foot 
wider  than  usual.  Then  I  knew  the  reason  I  hadnt 
been  scared  before  was  because  nobodied  been 
firin  at  us  till  now.  Fightin  is  good  fun,  Mable, 
as  long  as  the  bullets  are  all  goin  the  same  way 
as  you  are.  I  dropped  my  cigaret  when  I  flopped 
down.  Now  I  could  smell  it  burnin  a  hole  thru 
my  coat.  I  wouldnt  have  raised  up  enuff  to  pull 
it  out  tho  if  it  had  burned  a  hole  right  thru  me. 

As  soon  as  the  whisselin  let  up  a  little  the 
Major  jumped  up  an  says  how  he  didnt  know 
where  the  rest  of  the  army  was  but  we  wasnt  goin 
to  lie  there  an  rot.  I  didnt  feel  as  if  I  was  goin 
to  rot  for  quite  a  while  but  I  didnt  like  to  get  left 
behind  so  I  tagged  along.  We  passed  two  or 
three  of  our  fellos  that  was  done  in.  Then  a 
bunch  of  barb  wire  with  a  couple  of  doboys 
workin  like  hell  with  wire  clippers.  Our  shells 
had  busted  it  up  pretty  good  but  there  was  an  aw- 
ful lot  to  bust. 

Just  as  we  got  thru  the  wire  somebody  says 
"Look  out."  A  Fritz  was  runnin  toward  us  thru 
the  fog.  His  hands  was  floppin  over  his  head 
kind  of  loose  an  he  was  makin  the  queerest  noises 
I  ever  heard.  The  way  I  imagine  a  sheep  would 
if  youd  kicked  it. 

His  helmet  was  so  big  it  looked  more  like  a 


HIS  HELMET  LOOKED  LIKE  A  TIN   SUNBONNET 


284   "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI'* 

tin  sunbonnet.  He  was  just  a  kid  an  the  scardest 
one  I  ever  seen.  We  didnt  have  time  to  soovenir 
him.  Somebody  just  planted  him  an  awful  kick 
that  sent  him  across  the  barb  wire  an  out  of  sight 
thru  the  fog  in  the  direcshun  of  our  lines. 

Something  else  moved  up  ahead.  We  yelled  at 
it  but  it  didnt  say  nothin  so  a  couple  of  doboys 
dropped  down  an  fired.  We  passed  him  a  minit 
later.  He  was  layin  on  his  back  with  one  arm 
still  floppin  a  little  like  a  fello  thats  restless  in  his 
sleep. 

We  were  right  in  the  Fritz  trenches  now.  They 
were  the  ones  Id  seen  a  few  days  before  from  the 
observashun  post.  Everybody  seemed  to  have 
cleared  out  except  a  few  that  was  beyond  clearin. 
There  machine  guns  was  layin  around  still  hot. 
The  doboys  just  distributed  a  few  bums  Into  the 
dug-outs  like  salvashun  army  tracks.  Then  we 
climed  out  an  went  on. 

The  woods  werent  more  than  half  a  mInIt  from 
the  trenches.  We  ran  right  Into  them  before  we 
knew  It.  Everybody  just  busted  Into  the  bushes 
but  I  tell  you  Mable,  it  was  worse  than  takin  a 
cold  bath  in  winter.  I  expected  to  fall  into  a 
machine  gun  nest  any  minit.  Nobody  tried  to 
stop  us  tho.  It  looked  as  tho  theyd  all  beat  it. 
Pretty  soon  I  came  to  a  road  all  made  out  of 
boards.  Id  lost  the  Lootenant  and  the  Major 
by  this  time  but  there  was  a  lot  of  doboys  around 
an  It  looked  as  tho  the  show  was  all  over  any- 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  285 

way.  Just  as  we  stepped  out  on  the  road  about 
a  dozen  Fritzes  came  runnin  down  with  there 
hands  floppin  over  there  heads  an  blattin  like  the 
first  one  had.  Some  doboy  made  a  pass  at  one 
of  them  with  a  bayonet  just  for  fun.  He  started 
to  whine  like  a  kid.  No  matter  how  scared  I  ever 
get  Mable  111  never  be  as  scared  as  these  Fritzes 
an  thats  sayin  a  goodeel. 

Things  seemed  pretty  well  over  so  I  stopped  to 
help  the  doboys  soovenir  this  bunch.  I  just  took 
a  few  buttons  an  a  helmet  offen  one.  He  had 
red  hair.  Most  of  them  wanted  us  to  take 
everything  they  had.  Then  I  started  up  the  road 
to  see  If  I  could  find  the  Lootenant  an  the  Major 
an  a  looger  pistel.  There  was  a  bunch  of  us  all 
together.  I  don't  know  just  how  it  happened  but  I 
guess  there  must  have  been  a  machine  gun  planted 
at  a  bend  In  the  road  just  ahead  of  us.  It  cut 
loose  as  soon  as  the  last  prisoner  had  started  for 
the  rear.  I  could  hear  those  old  pills  whisselin 
thru  there  teeth  at  me  as  they  went  past.  A 
couple  of  the  doboys  dropped  without  lettln  out  a 
sound  an  I  made  a  move  that  would  have  de- 
ceived the  quickest  eye.  I  never  saw  a  road 
cleared  so  quick  in  my  life.  An  there  I  lay  beside 
the  board  road,  Mable,  lissenln  to  the  machine 
gun  bullets  playin  she  loves  me  she  loves  me  not 
with  the  daisies  over  my  head. 

I  hated  to  lose  that  helmet  havin  taken  It  ofiF 
the  Fritz  myself  an  he  havin  red  hair  an  the  like. 


286  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

So  I  slipped  it  into  an  openin  under  the  road. 
Then  I  noticed  everybody  else  crawlin  away  thru 
the  bushes  so  I  crawled  after  them  havin  nothin 
else  to  do. 

After  Id  crawled  till  it  seemed  like  I  must  be 
pretty  near  out  of  the  woods  an  the  knees  of  my 
trousers  I  stood  up.  When  I  looked  around  for 
the  doboys  there  wasnt  any.  All  I  could  hear 
was  rivitin  machines  an  shells  bustin  all  around 
me.  An  the  bullets  was  criss-crossin  thru  the 
biishes  like  a  bunch  of  draggin  flies.  It  seemed 
like  a  useless  place  for  an  artilery  fello  to  be  in. 

Well,  Mable,  Im  goin  to  quit  now  cause  one 
of  the  doboy  runners  is  goin  back  an  I  want  to 
give  him  this  letter.  I  am  enclosin  some  mud  I 
picked  up  in  Nobodies  Land.  It  may  help  to  give 
you  some  idear  of  the  country. 

Yours  to  the  last  Fritz 

Bill 

Dere  Mable: 

I  never  thought  Id  be  ritin  such  long  letters 
that  Id  have  to  be  gettin  them  off  my  chest  on 
the  instalment  plan.  Ive  sharpened  my  pencil  so 
ofen  there  aint  hardly  enuff  left  to  hang  onto. 
There  shellin  the  woods  today.  Every  time  one 
lands  anywhere  near  the  dug  out  something  seems 
to  break  the  point. 

Well,  Mable,  in  my  last  letter  I  left  myself 
standin  all  alone  in  the  middle  of  the  woods  lis- 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  287 

senln  to  a  lot  of  things  flyln  round  my  head  that 
arent  In  no  bird  book.  I  was  beginnin  to  think 
wether,  havin  lost  the  Lootenant  an  the  Major, 
I  hadnt  ought  to  go  back  to  my  battery.  Duty 
before  plesure.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable.  Just 
then  I  heard  someone  comin  thru  the  woods. 

That  was  the  worst  minit  of  my  life  except 
once  when  I  had  to  make  a  speech  In  High  School. 
I  decided  If  it  was  goin  to  be  my  last  Id  spend  it 
as  private  as  I  could  so  I  stepped  behind  a  bush. 
Whoever  was  comin  seemed  to  have  the  spring 
halt.  Hed  come  a  little  way.  Then  hed  stop. 
Then  hed  come  a  little.  I  couldnt  figger  where  I 
had  any  call  to  act  as  a  Fritz  recepshun  comlttee 
so  I  started  to  crawl  away.  Just  as  I  stuck  my 
head  around  the  bush  I  saw  something  that  made 
me  lie  down  agen  so  hard  I  bet  the  ground  Is  still 
stamped  with  the  eagels  on  my  buttons.  It  was 
only  the  end  of  a  shoe  passin  thru  the  brush  about 
fifteen  feet  away.  There  are  times  tho  when  an 
old  shoe  can  look  worse  than  your  granfathers 
gost  sittin  on  the  end  of  your  bed  makin  faces 
at  you. 

I  lay  there  for  what  seemed  like  a  couple  of 
days.  I  didnt  dare  roll  over  on  my  back  for 
fear  of  makin  a  noise  an  I  didnt  dare  stay  on  my 
face  for  fear  of  somebody  makin  a  pincushun  out 
of  me  while  I  wasnt  lookin.  I  was  tryin  to  think 
out  some  way  of  not  doin  ether  when  the  queerest 
noise  you  ever  heard  started  on  the  other  side  of 


288  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

the  bush.  It  was  like  water  comin  back  into  a 
facet  after  its  been  shut  off  for  a  while.  I  could 
feel  my  tin  derby  pull  right  up  offen  my  head. 
The  noise  kept  gettin  loud  an  ended  up  with  a 
sneeze.  You  couldnt  have  lifted  me  higher  with  a 
shell.  I  never  was  gladder  tho  to  hear  a  sneeze 
cause  I  knew  who  that  belonged  to.  I  could  have 
told  it  blindfolded  in  a  milyun. 

I  was  so  glad  to  find  Angus  I  forgot  he  didnt 
know  I  was  there  an  ran  around  the  bush.  He 
was  lying  in  a  bunch  of  briars  all  red  in  the  face 
from  trying  to  hold  in.  When  he  heard  me  comin 
he  threw  up  both  hands.  Then  when  he  saw  who 
it  was  he  tried  to  make  out  he  was  stretchin. 

Angus  said  hed  been  crawlin  around  the  woods 
tryin  to  find  somebody  till  he  saw  me  duck  behind 
a  bush.  Hed  been  layin  there  ever  since  tryin  to 
decide  wether  to  shoot  me  an  take  a  chance  on 
missin  or  lay  there  till  I  died  a  natshural  death. 
It  was  easy  to  see  tho  that  we  wouldnt  win  any- 
thing but  a  wooden  cross  hangin  round  there  so 
we  walked  thru  the  woods  till  we  ran  into  about 
twenty  doboys.  One  of  them  said  they  was  after 
a  machine  gun  nest  that  was  holdin  things  up. 
Even  that  was  better  than  snoopin  around  alone 
an  we  followed  along  like  a  couple  of  dogs  after 
a  parade. 

Well,  Mable,  the  doboys  is  ether  awful  brave 
or  awful  stupid.  They  might  have  been  after 
birds  nests  the  way  they  went  at  it.     Nobody  but 


1   STUCK.  MY   HliAD  AKOUNU  THE    BUSH' 


290  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

me  seemed  to  figger  that  we  might  be  comin  up* 
in  front  of  that  machine  gun  insted  of  behind  it. 
It  was  just  beginnin  to  strike  me  that  this  didnt 
have  much  to  do  with  an  artilery  runner  when  a 
couple  of  the  doboys  off  to  one  side  began  throwin 
hand  grenades.  I  heard  a  lot  of  cussin  an  when 
we  got  up  there  was  five  Fritzes  standin  in  a  pit 
with  a  machine  gun.  There  hands  was  up  in  the 
air  except  for  a  couple  that  didnt  count. 

It  was  the  first  time  Id  seen  them  doin  any  real 
soldlerin.  An  do  you  know,  Mable,  there  wasnt 
a  woman  among  em.  They  wasnt  even  chained  to 
there  guns.  Theres  something  wrong  with  this 
war  or  else  the  styles  are  changin. 

One  of  the  doboys  took  them  back.  They  were 
a  pretty  poor  lot  an  didnt  have  anything  worth 
while  with  them.  The  doboys  seemed  to  have 
some  idear  where  they  were  goin  so  we  stuck 
along.  They  went  down  in  a  few  dug  outs.  In 
one  of  them  we  found  six  Fritzes  an  four  looger 
pistels.  That  made  everybody  feel  pretty  good 
except  the  fellos  that  was  left  out.  They  voted 
solid  it  was  a  rotten  show.  The  machine  guns 
was  off  more  to  one  side  now  but  it  seemed  like 
they  was  throwin  a  lot  of  shells  around  without 
much  regard  to  where  we  was. 

We  came  out  on  a  road  an  ran  into  a  doboy 
Captin  an  two  or  three  men.  Havin  nothin  better 
to  do  we  followed  him.  He  turned  up  a  little 
railroad  track  like  the  one    that    used    to    run 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  291 

around  the  county  fair  for  a  dime.  It  twisted 
along  thru  the  woods  without  seemin  to  come  out 
much  of  anyplace.  Then  we  came  round  a  bend 
an  about  fifty  yards  away  was  a  gang  of  Fritzes 
stokin  shells  into  four  whoppin  big  guns  as  fast 
as  they  could  fire  them  out. 

The  next  thing  I  knew  I  was  runnin  down  that 
little  track  behind  the  Captin.  Quite  a  ways  be- 
hind, Mable.  Everybody  was  cussin  like  a  mule- 
skinner.  Angus  was  sayin  things  in  Skotch  I  bet 
hed  hate  to  have  rote  down  as  his  last  words. 
But  the  Fritzes  didnt  seem  to  have  no  Idear  of 
makin  them  that.  They  stopped  for  one  look  an 
dove  in  the  bushes  like  a  bunch  of  rabbits.  All 
except  a  few  that  was  to  scared  to  run.  They  just 
stood  an  gobbled  at  us. 

It  seemed  to  me  wed  done  something  worth' 
sittin  around  an  havin  a  postmortem  about.  But 
the  Captin  just  rote  the  name  of  his  company  on 
one  of  the  guns  with  a  piece  of  chalk.  Then  he 
lit  his  pipe  an  started  off  down  the  track  agen. 
We  came  out  on  a  road  after  a  while  an  there 
was  the  Major  an  a  whole  lot  of  doboys.  The 
doboys  was  sittin  on  the  railroad  track,  smokin 
cigarets  an  watchin  the  shells  bust  in  the  woods 
all  around  them  like  they  was  at  a  baseball  game. 
A  squad  of  Fritzes  was  puttin  a  few  of  our  doboys 
on  stretchers  an  carryin  them  off  down  the  road. 

Well,  Mable,  there  aint  much  more  to  tell.  The 
Major  sent  me  over  to  a  tin  house  where  the 


292  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

Lootenant  was.  I  found  him  dryin  off  by  an  old 
Fritz  stove  an  eatin  somebodies  Irun  Rashuns. 
I  never  could  find  out  when  the  battle  was  offishul- 
ly  over.  There  was  machine  guns  poppin  away  all 
the  afternoon  but  nobody  seemed  to  be  botherin 
much  about  them.  I  guess  they  just  got  sick  of  it 
an  quit.     Anyway  they  were  gone  by  night. 

Now  were  lyin  around  takin  it  easy.  We  fire 
at  the  Fritzes  all  day  an  they  fire  back  at  us.  They 
havnt  interfered  with  my  meals  yet  tho  so  let 
them  go  to  it.  Every  dug  out  has  been  turned 
inside  out.  I  guess  the  Fritzes  dont  get  charged 
for  losin  equipment  like  we  do.  From  the  amount 
of  stuff  we  found  they  must  get  pretty  near  un- 
dressed before  they  run  away. 

Ive  just  been  figgerin  up  the  total  victory  with 
Angus.  We  got  five  loogers,  two  pair  of  feel 
glasses  (one  broke),  a  gold  watch  that  can  be 
fixed,  three  pocket  fulls  of  buttons,  a  lot  of  let- 
ters we  cant  read  an  four  belts.  As  for  helmets 
an  gas  masks  an  the  like  all  you  got  to  do  is  reach 
your  hand  out  the  dug  out  door.  If  we  could  only 
soovenir  a  Ford  truck  to  carry  all  this  stuff 
wed  be  fixed. 

Im  goin  to  quit  now  an  get  some  sleep.  Angus 
says  lay  up  all  you  can  while  you  have  a  chance. 
Hes  laid  up  enuff  to  last  him  the  rest  of  his  life 
since  Ive  known  him. 

Yours  as  long  as  It  lasts 

Bill 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  293 

Dere  Mable: 

Ive  heard  so  many  shells  floatin  over  this  old 
wood  in  the  last  week  that  they  dont  mean  much 
more  to  me  now  than  the  postmans  whissel.  Only 
I  hope  I  dont  ever  hear  one  stop  an  turn  In  here 
cause  I  aint  hankerin  to  be  evakuated  like  a  pic- 
tur  puzzle. 

Im  sleepin  with  the  doboy  runners.  If  you 
want  to  know  anything  about  the  war  thats  the 
place  to  live. 

Yesterday  the  Lootenant  called  me  over  to  his 
dug  out  an  said  he  was  goln  to  establish  a  couple 
of  observashun  posts.  I  thanked  him  an  said  Id 
seen  all  I  wanted  to  so  if  it  was  the  same  to 
him  Id  stay  in  an  keep  my  eye  on  the  soovenirs. 
As  soon  as  he  saw  I  had  something  else  to  do  bed 
have  dragged  me  out  if  Id  only  had  one  leg  to 
walk  on. 

The  Lootenant  loaded  everything  he  could 
think  of  onto  my  back.  I  wouldnt  have  been  sur- 
prised if  bed  ended  up  by  cllmin  on  himself.  If 
you  could  win  this  war  with  telescopes  an  things 
it  would  have  been  over  three  days  after  he  got 
into  it.  We  went  to  a  place  where  the  Dutch  had 
built  a  platform  way  up  in  a  tree  on  the  edge 
of  the  woods.  The  Lootenant  an  a  doboy  oficer 
climed  up.  They  was  up  there  so  long  we  thought 
theyd  probably  found  an  old  machine  gun  nest  an 
gone  to  sleep  in  it. 

While  we  was  sittin  under  the  tree  plannin  how 


294  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

wed  improve  the  army  if  it  was  ours  we  heard  an 
airyplane  comln.  You  could  tell  by  the  noise  it 
was  flyin  low.  We  figgered  if  it  was  a  Dutch 
plane  the  Lootenants  was  up  a  tree  more  ways 
than  one  cause  they  stuck  up  above  the  rest  of  the 
woods  like  a  sore  thum.  Pretty  soon  we  could  see 
it  thru  the  branches  an  sure  enuff  there  was  the 
irun  cross  painted  on  the  bottom.  It  came  up  to 
the  tree  an  circled  round  it.  Then  it  opened  up 
its  machine  gun  at  it  an  flew  away  with  a  trail 
of  yellow  smoke  comin  out  its  hind  end. 

You  ought  to  have  seen  those  two  Lootenants 
come  down.  They  beat  every  law  of  gravity  old 
man  Newton  ever  passed.  The  Lootenant  said 
theyd  fixed  that  observashun  post  all  right  an  now 
he  was  goin  to  put  up  another  one  on  the  other 
side  of  the  woods.  He  thought  this  next  one 
would  be  better  on  the  ground. 

The  next  place  we  stopped  was  a  little  clearin 
on  the  side  of  a  hill.  You  could  look  right  across 
the  Moose  river  an  see  where  our  shells  was 
landin  in  a  grave  yard  right  near  a  Fritz  town. 
Some  of  these  fellos  certinly  is  there.  The  Fritzes 
was  gettin  back  at  us  by  shellin  our  doboys  near 
where  we  was  workin.  Thats  the  way  they  do. 
When  we  shell  the  Fritz  doboys  they  come  right 
back  at  us  an  shell  ours.  Its  a  case  of  you  kick 
my  dog  an  111  kick  yours.  Thats  a  nice  arrange- 
ment for  everybody  but  the  doboys. 

The  Lootenant  set  up  a  little  table  an  began 


^    YOU  OUGHT  TO  HAVE   SEEN  THOSE  TWO  LOOTENANTS  COME  DOWN 


296  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

squlntin  thru  some  glasses  like  he  was  goln  to  lay 
a  railroad  thru  to  Berlin.  Then  shh-bang  an  one 
of  those  little  Hungry  Awstrian  guns  lit  In  the 
woods  behind  us.  Those  things  dont  lie  around 
in  the  sun  decidin  wether  there  goln  to  be  duds  or 
not  I  can  tell  you.  I  dont  stand  around  waitin 
to  find  out  ether.  Im  gettin  so  I  can  drop  quicker 
than  a  war  stock.  When  that  thing  lit  we  was 
all  standin  round  watchin  the  Lootenant.  When 
It  started  distributin  Itself  around  there  wasnt 
nobody  In  sight.  A  couple  of  others  came  right 
after  It  closer  still. 

After  a  while  I  heard  the  Lootenant  say  "Its 
so  comfortable  in  here  I  hate  to  get  out."  Like 
he  was  takin  a  hot  bath  or  something.  Only  he 
didnt  fool  nobody  that  way.  When  It  looked 
like  the  Hungry  Awstrians  had  quit  everybody 
began  poppin  out  of  the  ground  agen.  As  soon  as 
we  was  all  up  shh-bang.  Angus  cut  his  eye  on  a 
rock  In  the  bottom  of  a  shell  hole.  Hell  be  able 
to  give  pointers  to  Annie  Kellerman  when  he 
gets  home.  If  he  ever  gets  wounded  111  bet  Itll 
be  In  the  sole  of  the  foot. 

After  that  the  Lootenant  decided  he  wouldnt 
keep  us  out  any  longer.  He  was  afraid  wed  miss 
our  mess.     The  war  Is  changin  some  people. 

Well  Mable  111  rite  you  agen  in  a  few  days  If 
I  dont  get  put  on  detached  service  with  the  Angels, 
until  then  yours  exclusively 

Bill 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  297 

Dere  Mahle: 

I  suppose  you  thought  I  was  dead  for  the  last 
two  weeks.  You  was  so  near  to  right  a  couple 
of  times  I  wanted  to  get  something  definite  on  it 
before  I  rote  you.  I  been  havin  newmonya  now 
in  the  hospittle  for  ten  days.  I  havnt  been  so 
sore  since  I  had  the  mumps  Crismus  vacashun. 
After  duckin  half  the  shells  the  Croup  people  ever 
turned  out  I  had  to  get  hit  with  a  cold  in  the 
head.  I  bet  I  get  the  chicken  pox  on  my  honey- 
moon. 

An  now  here  I  am  holdin  down  an  irun  cot 
that  creeks  when  you  turn  over,  missin  all  the  fun 
an  not  even  goin  to  get  a  wound  stripe.  The 
worst  of  it  they  tell  me  I  got  as  much  chance  of 
gettin  back  to  my  battery  as  I  havin  of  catchin 
the  Croun  Prince.  They  say  like  as  not  111  land 
in  some  Steva  Dora  regiment  in  the  SOS  or  in 
the  M.P.s.  They  dont  seem  to  have  nothin  to 
do  in  this  army  but  take  you  from  where  you 
want  to  be  an  put  you  where  you  dont. 

But  I  aint  goin  to  complain,  Mable.  I  told 
em  that  after  Id  been  here  four  days.  All  I  say 
Is  if  they  dont  let  me  out  of  this  hole  toot  sweet 
Im  goin  to  get  up  an  beat  it  an  die  on  the  road. 
Then  perhaps  theyll  wish  they  had. 

Theres  not  a  blessed  thing  to  do  but  wait  for 
mess  an  lissen  to  the  fello  lie  in  the  next  bed. 
He  can  make  Annie  Nias  look  like  Martha  Wash- 
ington before  hes  been  talkin  five  minites.     He 


298  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

says  that  when  he  got  hit  the  shells  was  fallin 
around  him  so  fast  that  the  only  way  he  saved  his 
life  was  by  deflectin  them  off  with  a  bayonet.  Two 
of  them  came  at  him  at  once  an  he  got  mixed  up. 
I  ast  him  why  he  didnt  catch  one  on  the  back  of 
his  neck  like  the  fello  does  the  cannon  balls  in 
the  vawdeville  show.  The  nufse  told  me  yester- 
day he  got  his  foot  run  over  by  a  truck.  Every- 
body spends  there  time  tellin  how  they  used  to 
shake  dice  with  death  every  mornin  before  break- 
fast. It  works  out  all  right  cause  nobody  believes 
anybody  else  an  it  gives  them  good  practice  for 
when  they  go  home. 

Its  a  funny  thing  about  the  fello  in  the  next 
bed.  I  came  in  two  days  after  he  did.  Four  days 
after  he  got  here  he  came  down  with  newmonya. 
I  got  it  two  days  later.  He  died  last  night.  But 
of  course  that  dont  necesarlly  mean  nothin. 
Cheerful  an  bright  to  the  last  gasp.  Thats  me 
all  over,  Mable.  Of  course  I  dont  want  you  to 
worry  cause  that  would  make  me  worry  an  theres 
no  tellin  what  that  would  bring  on. 

Well,  Mable,  I  got  a  big  surprise  for  you.  I 
guess  Itll  take  a  load  offen  your  mind.  You  know 
all  that  stuff  we  been  readin  in  the  war  stories 
about  hospittles  an  the  like.  It  all  goes  the  same. 
"The  next  thing  the  fello  knew  he  was  lyin  be- 
tween snowy  white  sheets  an  a  butlful  vizun  was 
bendin  over  him.  She  had  vilet  eyes  an  was  full 
of  tears  like  shed  been  cryin  or  something.     An 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  299 

she  smooths  out  his  pillo  an  says  'Your  better 
now.'  "  That  smoothin  out  the  pillo  always  seems 
to  cure  em.  Well,  Mable,  Im  sorry  to  say  thats 
all  bunk — every  word  of  It. 

When  I  first  heard  they  were  goln  to  send  me 
to  a  hospittle  behind  the  lines  I  didnt  care  a  bit. 
I  wanted  to  have  a  look  at  a  vllet  eyed  nurse. 
Accordin  to  the  books  they  usuly  turn  out  to  be 
Dutcheses  or  somebody.  I  was  plannin  to  look 
up  In  her  eyes  an  say  "This  must  be  heven.  Do 
you  happen  to  have  any  lemonade?"  Or  some- 
thing mushy  like  that.  Then  shed  cry  some  more 
an  like  as  not  put  a  stick  in  the  lemonade. 

Of  course  I  wouldnt  have  married  her  or  noth- 
In.  In  the  first  place  all  the  churches  over  here 
Is  knocked  down  an  besides  I  got  other  plans  If 
I  ever  get  a  chance  between  wars. 

The  thing  started  off  all  wrong  by  my  not  bein 
unconshus  when  they  brought  me  in.  I  didnt  even 
ride  in  on  a  stretcher.  I  was  a  sittin  case.  They 
walk.  Before  I  could  get  Into  the  place  at  all  I 
had  to  report  to  a  sargent  He  ast  me  so  many 
questions  I  thought  I  must  have  struck  some  re- 
cruitin  stashun  an  might  be  enlistin  agen.  I  pretty 
near  had  heart  failure  for  a  minit.  The  sargent 
told  me  report  to  Ward  19.  You  never  go  any- 
where In  the  army.  You  report.  Theyd  have  a 
fello  in  his  coffin  report  to  his  grave  If  they 
could. 

When  they  built  Ward  19  they  took  all  the  joy 


300  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

out  of  it  by  makin  It  look  like  a  barracks.  Insted 
of  a  vilet  eyed  nurse  there  was  a  bleary  eyed 
Captin  sittin  in  a  little  room  In  front.  He  didnt 
look  as  if  hed  been  to  bed  since  the  war  started. 
I  says  "Sir,  Private  Smith  reports  to  be  sick  in 
Ward  19."  Nobody  cried  or  looked  at  me  with 
tears  in  there  eyes.  The  Captin  just  says  "What 
the  this  an  that  is  the  matter  with  those  fellos 
up  there  do  they  think  this  is  the  only  hosplttle 
in  France?    Lets  see  your  card." 

He  called  an  orderly  who  showed  me  an  empty 
bed  where  I  was  to  be  sick.  Then  he  says  "If 
you  want  anything  to  eat  you  better  get  your 
close  off."  Just  like  a  fello  couldnt  eat  right  with 
his  close  on.  An  he  says  "You  dont  have  to  set 
your  dirty  shoes  on  the  blankets  nether." 

After  Id  got  Into  bed  the  nurse  came  along  to 
take  my  temperment.  I  aint  goln  to  say  nothin 
agenst  that  nurse  tho.  She  was  all  right  an  it 
wasnt  her  fait  she  didnt  have  vllet  eyes.  As  for 
cryin,  Mable,  she  was  too  busy  to  have  shed  a 
tear  if  you  shoved  a  peck  of  onyuns  under  her 
nose.  I  never  saw  anybody  work  so  hard.  Shed 
make  a  good  wife  for  the  Top  sargent.  It  would 
make  him  happy  to  sit  around  an  watch  her. 

Well,  Mable,  if  you  dont  get  another  letter 
from  me  youll  probably  get  one  from  the  local 
congressman  explalnin  why.  If  the  worst  come  to 
worst  tell  your  father  I  didnt  bear  no  grudge 
agenst  him.    I  was  thinkin  yesterday  about  a  little 


BiiV  £»3:ecif^ 


"  'do  you  happen  to  have  any  lemonade  ?'  '.' 


302  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

motto  or  something  for  my  toomstone.  I  sort 
of  like  this  one.  I  showed  it  to  the  nurse.  She 
said  she  never  saw  anything  like  it  on  anybodies 
toomstone  so  I  guess  itU  be  all  right. 

Here  lies  the  body  of  Bill  Smith,  dead 
For  the  good  of  the  service,  with  a  cold  in  his  head 
Tho  hed  felt  (without  duckin)  the  bullets  breeze 
He  was  called  aloft  by  an  ordinary  sneeze. 

yours  hopefully 

Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

All  kinds  of  things  has  happened  since  I  rote 
you  last.  In  the  first  place  I  didnt  die  of  new- 
monya  like  I  said  I  was  goin  to  but  I  bet  I  had 
the  government  worried  about  my  insurance  a 
couple  of  times.  One  day  they  put  a  bunch  of 
us  in  an  ambulance  an  drove  off.  Nobody  knew 
where  we  was  goin  except  that  it  was  toward 
the  front.  It  seemed  good  almost  to  hear  those 
old  guns  bangin  away  just  like  Id  never  been 
gone.  An  then  the  first  person  I  saw  when  they 
let  me  out  was  the  Top  sargent.  Itll  give  you 
an  idear  how  glad  I  was  to  get  back  to  the  outfit 
when  I  say  I  could  have  kised  him,  whissel  an  all. 

Im  riting  this  way  down  in  a  Dutch  dug-out. 
Upstairs  there  shellin  all  the  time.  War  certinly 
has  changed  since  I  went  to  the  hospittle.  You 
take  more  chances   goin   to  mess   up   here   than 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  303 

you  did  goln  over  the  top  when  this  all  started. 
In  half  an  hour,  I  got  to  go  on  gas  gard.  That 
means  I  stand  in  front  of  the  dug  out  an  when 
I  smell  something  I  blow  a  klaxon.  If  any  old 
Ford  ever  sneaks  up  behind  me  when  I  get  home 
an  blows  a  klaxon  theyll  probably  see  me  clap 
my  derby  over  my  face  an  dive  into  a  coal  hole. 

Theyve  thrown  so  much  gas  at  us  lately  that 
its  gettin  on  the  mens  nerves  as  well  as  there  close. 
Most  of  the  fellos  would  yell  gas  if  you  threw  a 
pot  of  geraniums  Into  the  dugout.  Somebody 
stepped  on  Anguses  hand  while  he  was  asleep 
yesterday  an  he  put  some  iodine  on  it.  He  woke 
up  in  the  middle  of  the  night  an  smelt  It.  He  had 
us  wearin  our  gas  masks  pretty  near  the  rest  of 
the  night.     But  we 

Ive  forgot  what  I  was  goln  to  say  there.  I  bet 
Ive  got  gray  hairs  since  I  rote  that  last  line.  Just 
as  I  got  to  the  "we"  I  heard  the  old  klaxon 
squawk.  When  I  felt  around  my  chest  for  my 
gas  mask  It  wasnt  there.  It  was  worse  than  findin 
yourself  on  the  street  car  without  a  nickel  on  the 
way  to  your  own  weddin.  I  sat  there  wonderin 
how  long  I  could  hold  my  breth  till  I  almost 
busted  a  lung.  Then  I  remembered  It  was  on  my 
knee  under  the  letter  where  Id  been  usin  it  for  a 
ritin  desk.  Theyd  have  sent  me  back  to  the 
States  as  gas  Instructor  If  they  could  have  seen 
me  put  on  that  mask.  Chained  lightenin.  Thats 
me  all  over,  Mable. 


304  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEl'' 

All  we  do  nowdays  is  move.  Back  in  the  States 
it  used  to  take  us  24  hours  to  get  ready  for  a  hike. 
Now  were  lucky  if  we  get  24  minits.  We  expect 
anything  an  we  havnt  been  disappointed  so  far. 
Like  the  other  nite  when  we  were  on  our  way 
to  this  place.  It  was  rainin  as  usual.  Wed  pitched 
pup  tents  in  the  woods  an  had  just  gotten  to  sleep. 
Angus  an  I  was  bunkin  together  on  some  hay  that 
hed  pulled  of  a  forage  wagon  that  was  caught  in 
a  jam.  We  was  lissenin  to  the  rain  an  sayin  how 
lucky  we  was  not  to  be  out  in  it.  That  is  nothin 
but  our  feet  an  there  always  wet  so  they  dont 
count.  Its  funny  how  different  rain  sounds  beatin 
on  the  sides  of  a  pup  tent  an  on  a  tin  derby. 

I  went  to  sleep  an  dreamed  I  was  on  a  train 
just  pullin  into  Philopolis.  I  looked  out  the  windo 
an  saw  your  father  on  the  platform  with  a  whissel 
in  his  mouth.  He  was  blowin  it  an  dancin  around 
like  a  mad  monkey.  Then  I  woke  up  an  the  Top 
was  standin  outside  blowin  on  his  whissel  like  he 
was  tryin  to  blow  the  pea  out  of  it  an  sayin  "Fall 
in.     Harness  an  hitch." 

Well,  Mable,  to  say  that  bunch  was  sore  was 
like  callin  Niagra  Falls  pretty.  I  dont  supose 
you  ever  tried  to  make  a  blanket  roll  in  the  pitch 
dark  an  six  inches  of  mud.  It  comes  out  like  a 
jelly  roll  only  mud  insted  of  jelly. 

About  midnight  the  Top  came  from  somewhere 
an  says  "Unhitch  an  unharness.  Put  up  your  pup 
tents.    We  aint  agoin  to  move." 


^X\\      ^X^c^ 


TRIED  TO  MAKE  A  BLANKET  ROLL  IN  SIX  INCHES  OF  MUD 


3o6  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

I  never  saw  so  much  mud.  Mud  seems  to  go 
with  the  army  just  like  monkey  meat  an  Top 
sargents  an  first  calls. 

Theres  been  a  whole  lot  of  talk  about  peace 
lately.  Angus  says  theres  some  Dutch  oficers 
comin  thru  here  in  an  automobile  to  see  General 
Fosh  about  an  armistice.  An  armistice  is  awful 
tecknickle,  Mable.  About  the  only  way  I  can 
explain  it  is  that  you  dont  quit  fightin  only  you  do. 
I  may  be  eatin  gobbler  at  Thanksgivin  yet. 

Just  now  I  got  to  quit  cause  theres  no  armistice 
yet  an  Im  supposed  to  go  on  gas  gard  at  fiv^e 
o'clock.  Its  six  now.  The  fello  thats  on  gard 
has  been  yellin  down  the  stairs  at  me  fer  an  hour 
so  I  guess  111  go  up  an  see  whats  the  trouble.  Hes 
an  awful  nervus  fello. 

yours  till  I  come  off  gas  gard 

Bill 

Dere  Mable: 

The  war  is  over.  Finney  le  gare.  The  six 
inch  head  lines  lost  their  job  at  leven  oclock  Mon- 
day mornin.  Its  so  quiet  you  can  almost  hear  it. 
It  sure  will  be  a  come  down  when  we  have  to  look 
at  picturs  in  the  Sunday  papers  of  the  Prince  of 
Whales  visitin  a  tooth  pick  factory  an  the  flower 
show  at  Passadinner. 

It  wasnt  much  of  an  endin  to  a  worlds  cham- 
peenship  scrap.  Id  always  thought  that  when 
they  ended  wars  like  this  they  lined  up  same  as  in 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!"  307 

the  pictur  your  father  has  of  whats  his  name  sur- 
renderin  to  thingumbob  at  Yorktown.  I  thought 
General  Fosh  would  come  rldin  out  on  a  big  white 
horse  an  General  Hinderberg  on  a  big  black  one. 
Hed  hand  Fosh  his  sord  or  whissel  or  whatever 
it  is  that  Generals  carry  nowdays.  Then  every- 
body would  cheer,  the  bands  would  bust  out  with 
the  Star  Spangled  Banner  an  it  would  be  just  like 
after  the  fello  rides  a  bicicle  over  five  elefants 
in  the  circus.  After  that  wed  hand  our  guns  over 
to  some  museum  an  go  home.  Somehow  or  other 
it  was  to  big  to  peter  out  the  way  it  did. 

We  fired  off  an  on  Sunday  night  an  then  quit 
when  it  got  daylight.  Most  of  the  fellos  were 
down  in  the  dug  outs  catchin  a  little  sleep  except 
for  the  gards  an  a  few  others  that  was  monkeyin 
around  upstairs.  Me  an  Angus  was  sittin  in  a 
little  trench  in  front  of  the  first  gun.  Angus  was 
cleanin  his  revolver.  I  might  have  known  from 
that  that  something  out  of  the  way  was  goin  to 
happen. 

The  Fritzes  was  sowin  a  big  field  in  front  of 
the  battery  with  wash  boilers.  Theyd  been  at  it 
all  mornin  but  about  the  only  thing  they  was  killen 
was  the  grass.  Not  bein  interested  in  the  hay  crop 
we  wasnt  callin  them  up  to  tell  them  about  it. 
Every  ten  minites  or  so  you  could  feel  a  big  one 
land.  Then  wed  stick  our  heads  up  over  the  top 
of  the  trench  an  watch  it  throw  up  mud  in  the 
air  like  Old  Faithless  guyser. 


3o8  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!'* 

We  was  talkin  about  the  armistice.  Angus  said 
if  it  was  sined  up  we  was  to  go  to  college  in  Ing- 
land  for  six  months  or  else  to  Rusha  to  fight  the 
Slovo  Checkracks  or  the  Checko  Swaybacks  or 
somebody.  Not  wantin  to  do  ether  I  couldnt  see 
where  the  armistice  was  goin  to  do  me  much  good. 

Just  then  I  saw  the  Top  comin  but  it  was  to 
late  to  go  anywhere.  He  says  "I  want  you  fellos 
to  go  an  help  unload  a  rashun  truck  thats  stuck 
in  the  mud  down  the  road.  An  by  the  way,  the 
wars  over  in  about  five  minits  so  dont  go  around 
shootin  anybody  after  that  unless  you  want  to  land 
in  the  gard  house."  I  bet  if  the  angel  Gabriul 
stuck  his  head  out  of  a  cloud  an  said  the  world  was 
goin  to  end  in  twenty  minits  all  that  would  worry 
the  Top  would  be  thinkin  up  details  to  keep  us 
sweatin  that  long. 

Thats  about  all  there  was  to  the  end  of  the 
war  as  far  as  I  was  concerned.  Angus  says  "111 
be  damed."  Then  he  squinted  thru  his  gun  an 
handed  it  over  to  me  an  says  "See  if  you  think 
thats  rust  up  near  the  front  end."  We  stopped 
everybody  that  came  along  an  told  them  about  it. 
Most  of  them  would  just  say  "111  be  damed." 
Then  theyd  stand  around  for  a  minit  thinkin  it 
over  an  ask  "When  are  we  goin  home?"  Youd 
think  me  an  Angus  was  runnin  some  kind  of  a 
Cooks  toor. 

Things  warmed  up  a  little  after  It  got  dark. 
Everybody  got  there  fireworks    out    an    touched 


ALL  I  DO  IS  SCRATCH,  SCRATCH,  SCRATCH 


310  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

them  off.  It  was  the  first  time  since  we  been  in 
the  war  that  we  found  out  what  a  lot  of  those 
rockets  were.  It  made  4th  of  July  look  like  Sun- 
day in  Philadelfia. 

Of  course  all  anybody  thinks  about  now  is 
when  there  goin  home.  Most  of  the  fellos  is  ex- 
pectin  to  help  put  the  fires  out  on  the  family  Cris- 
mus  tree.  Theres  a  few  of  them  thinks  theyll  be 
eatin  homemade  turkey  Thanksgivin.  I  wouldnt 
worry  much  if  I  was  a  turkey  tho. 

Well,  Mable,  after  all  the  baths  I  took  last 
winter  an  all  Ive  been  rained  on  since  I  got  here 
I  finally  adopted  a  pack  of  cooties.  I  guess  some 
Fritz  left  them  in  a  dug  out  to  starve.  I  dont 
know  why  it  is  that  animals  seem  to  take  to  me 
so.  This  bunch  is  so  attached  to  me  I  havnt  been 
able  to  shake  them  for  two  weeks.  I  used  to 
think  cooties  was  funny  just  like  you  think  slippin 
on  a  banana  peel  is  funny  till  its  your  slip.  Now 
all  I  do  is  scratch,  scratch,  scratch.  Thats  me  all 
over,  Mable. 

Im  enclosin  a  blank  slip  they  gave  out  today. 
Anybody  that  wants  to  send  a  Crismus  present 
has  to  have  one.  I  wasnt  goin  to  send  it  first 
cause  it  sounded  a  little  like  I  was  expectin  a 
present.  Then  I  figgered  Id  just  tell  you  I  didnt 
want  one  an  send  it  for  a  curiosity. 

I  guess  111  see  you  in  about  a  month.  Its  just  a 
question  of  findin  somebody  thats  fool  enuff  to 
take  these  guns  offen  our  hands.     You  might  as 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  311 

well  start  oilln  the  victrola.  You  can  tell  your 
father  hes  goin  to  sit  down  to  the  biggest  dinner 
he  ever  tackelcd  the  first  Sunday  after  I  get  home, 
liver  or  no  liver. 

till  then   as  always 

Bill 
P.  S.    Im  sendin  half  a  dozen  of  those  slips  ex- 
tra in  case  the  first  one  should  get  lost  or  some 
of  your  friends  wanted  to  send  anything  to  some- 
body over  here. 


Dere  Mable: 

You  couldnt  guess  where  I  am  now.  Im  not  to 
sure  myself.  All  I  know  is  it  isnt  the  way  home. 
A  couple  of  days  after  the  armistice  was  signed 
we  pulled  the  guns  into  what  was  left  of  a  town. 
The  Fritzes  had  just  moved  out.  Then  the  Cap- 
tin  told  us  there  was  an  army  goin  into  Germany 
an  we  was  to  be  part  of  it.  It  struck  me  as  a 
pretty  low  trick  when  wed  told  the  Fritzes  we 
was  thru  fightin  to  go  right  on  pickin  on  them. 
He  said  it  was  an  honer.  Im  always  leary  of  that. 
In  the  army  honer  an  hard  work  are  the  same 
thing. 

We  lay  around  four  days  before  we  started. 
The  Lootenant  said  that  was  to  give  the  Fritzes 
a  good  start,  I  cant  make  out  if  were  still  at  war 
or  if  this  is  some  kind  of  a  handicap  race.  We 
traveled  a  week  tho  and  didnt  see  one  of  them. 


|J5 


312  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI 

I  guess  we  gave  up  after  that  cause  theyve  let  us 
lie  around  here  four  or  five  days.  They  call  this 
the  Providence  of  Luxemburg.  Im  glad  we  didnt 
have  to  fight  our  way  here. 

Thanksgivin  is  over.  You  probably  know  that 
tho.  I  suppose  we  got  a  lot  to  be  thankful  for 
but  a  fello  gets  a  short  memory  when  his  brains 
full  of  mud.  As  far  as  I  can  see  the  turkeys  had 
the  most  to  crow  about  this  year.  It  might  have 
been  St.  Patricks  day  for  all  we  saw  of  them. 
We  had  stake  an  gravey  an  potatoes.  The  mess 
sargent  said  we  ought  to  be  thankful  it  wasnt  corn 
Willie.  He  could  think  up  some  reason  why  we 
ought  to  be  grateful  to  him  if  he  fed  us  nails. 

The  people  here  wear  wooden  shoes  an  have 
big  manure  piles  an  no  shapes.  Theyll  scrub  the 
inside  of  the  house  till  its  so  clean  you  could  eat 
offen  the  floor.  Only  I  never  could  see  any  ad- 
vantage in  that  cause  nobody  in  his  right  mind 
would  want  to  eat  there.  Then  theyll  build  a  ma- 
nure pile  right  under  the  front  windo.  That  aint 
so  bad  here  as  it  would  be  home  cause  the  only 
time  they  open  the  windos  is  when  they  want  to 
throw  something  out.  Then  they  shut  em  quick 
SOS  they  wont  let  out  any  air.  I  bet  the  greatest 
hardship  the  German  army  had  was  sleepin  out- 
doors for  four  years. 

Angus  says  the  Providence  of  Luxemburg  is 
run  by  a  Dutchess  thats  young  an  good  lookin. 
I  guess  she  must  be  a  foriner.     Shes  never  been 


THE   PEOPLE  HERE  WEAR  WOODEN  SHOES  AN  HAVE  NO  SHAPES  " 


15J 


314  ''SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI 

married  which  shows  shes  got  pretty  good  taste 
from  all  Ive  seen  around  here.  There  sure  will 
be  great  opportunities  over  here  for  a  young  fello 
after  the  war. 

Well,  Mable,  I  dont  think  well  be  over  here 
long.  Angus  says  this  is  just  a  kind  of  a  parade 
to  show  the  Fritzes  how  good  we  are.  Im  glad 
to  hear  your  goin  to  a  motor  school.  It  certinly 
will  be  good  when  you  have  a  puncture  not  to 
have  a  bunch  of  wimmin  hangin  out  of  the  tonno 
askin  you  if  you  want  some  candy  an  should  they 
get  out. 

as  ever  sick  of  the  army 

Bill 

Dere  Mable: 

We  crossed  into  the  Fodderland  yesterday. 
After  scrappin  about  it  for  four  years  nobody 
seemed  to  give  a  rap  any  more  than  if  wed  been 
draggin  in  a  load  of  hay.  You  remember  how 
the  papers  used  to  say  if  we  ever  drove  the 
Fritzes  back  to  Germany  we  could  never  get 
across  the  border.  Proper  Gander,  every  word 
of  it.     They  didnt  even  have  a  fence  around  it. 

We  just  crossed  a  little  river  no  wider  than 
Silver  Creek  an  there  we  was.  No  screamin  wim- 
min, no  stray  shots  out  of  attlks,  no  awtrocities. 
Nobody  even  took  the  trouble  to  come  out  an  hiss 
at  us.  It  made  everybody  feel  pretty  low  I  can 
tell  you.    The  only  ones  that  took  any  interest  at 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  315 

all  was  a  bunch  of  kids  In  soldiers  caps  an  stand 
up  collars  like  your  father  wears.  They  seemed 
to  think  we  was  goin  to  show  in  their  town  an 
trotted  along  beside  us  to  watch  the  big  tent  go 
up. 

Wed  all  been  plannin  for  some  time  on  com- 
mlttin  a  few  good  awtrocities  as  soon  as  we  got 
into  Germany  just  to  liven  things  up  a  bit. 

As  usual  tho  when  the  Captins  runnin  the  party 
anything  sporty  Is  ruled  out.  The  only  awtroci- 
ties hell  let  us  commit  is  makin  faces  at  the 
Fritzes.  The  whole  thing  has  been  an  awful  dis- 
appointment. This  country  aint  no  diferent  from 
France  or  the  one  we  just  left.  It  aint  even  col- 
ored diferent  like  it  is  on  the  map. 

Theres  a  fello  from  Milwawke  in  our  battery 
named  Joe  Bush.  It  certlnly  helps  to  have  some- 
body around  that  speaks  German.  Last  night 
Joe  told  me  hed  found  a  regular  bed  in  one  of  the 
Fritz  houses  that  the  oficers  seemed  to  have 
missed.  He  traded  me  half  of  it  for  a  package 
of  cigarets.     Back  to  the  hay  barn  for  me  tonite. 

A  German  bed  Is  like  a  loaf  of  bread  thats  rose 
to  much.  Its  so  high  you  need  a  chair  to  get  onto 
it.  I  guess  youd  need  a  coroner  if  you  ever  rolled 
off  it.  When  I  first  got  up  on  it  I  couldnt  make 
out  where  the  bed  close  was.  Then  I  found  there 
was  two  matdresses,  one  about  four  feet  thick  an 
the  other  on  top  about  a  foot  thick.  Your  sup- 
posed to  sleep  between  them  like  a  sanwidge.  The 


fJJ 


316  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE! 

little  matdress  is  built  so  it  just  reaches  from  your 
neck  to  your  ankles  if  you  aint  to  tall.  You  can  get 
the  idear  by  lyin  down  an  puttin  a  sofa  pIUo  over 
you.  Ether  the  Fritzes  has  awful  tuff  feet  or 
there  built  like  a  pocket  drinkin  cup.  I  tried 
rollin  up  like  a  dog  till  Joe  caught  onto  it  to. 

Well,  Mable,  in  about  an  hour  I  felt  like  I  was 
in  the  hot  room  of  a  Turks  bath.  I  dont  see  how 
the  Germans  is  so  fat  if  they  sleep  between  these 
things. 

The  young  girl  in  a  kimony  on  the  cover  of 
the  Murad  boxes  gives  you  an  idear  how  you 
sleep  on  a  German  bed.  I  never  knew  why  she 
looked  so  discouraged  before. 

The  old  fello  that  owned  the  bed  seemed  kind 
of  scared  at  first.  I  guess  he  thought  after  we 
found  what  it  was  like  we  might  commit  a  few 
awtrocities  just  to  put  us  to  sleep. 

We  agreed  to  call  off  the  awtrocities  if  hed 
leave  his  Prow  cook  us  up  a  mess  of  waffles  toot 
sweet.  Frow  is  what  they  call  there  wives,  Ma- 
ble.   I  guess  its  short  for  Frowsie. 

I  got  to  start  in  forgettin  my  French  now  an 
begin  on  Dutch.  I  bet  I  talk  pigen  Inglish  when 
I  get  home.  I  dont  have  much  trouble  with  lan- 
guiges  tho.  I  can  say  quite  a  few  things  already 
like  "Ya"  and  "Nine"  an  "Vas  Iss."  Thats  all 
right  if  your  just  out  for  a  social  time  but  it  aint 
any  good  in  commershul  life. 


A   GERMAN    BED   IS    LIKE    A    LOAF  OF   BREAD  TUATS   ROSE   TO   MUCH' 


3i8  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

Its  no  use  tellin  you  to  rite  I  never  get  your 
letters. 

yours  disgustedly 
Bill 


Dere  Mahle: 

We  crossed  the  Rlne  day  before  yesterday.  It 
was  Friday  the  13th  but  the  bridge  held  up  in  spite 
of  it.  The  Rine  didnt  look  like  much  to  me.  Im 
not  much  of  a  judge  of  rivers  tho.  Its  been  rainin 
for  three  days  an  it  would  take  an  awful  lot  of 
water  in  one  place  to  make  much  impreshun  on 
me. 

We  all  thought  we  was  goin  to  a  town  by  the 
name  of  Coblence.  The  Mess  sargent  had  told 
us  everybody  was  to  have  a  room  to  himself  an 
that  most  of  the  time  when  we  wasnt  at  the  mov- 
ies wed  be  canoin  up  an  down  the  river.  The 
armies  got  an  idear  tho  that  if  you  let  a  soldier 
get  near  anything  thats  worth  while  hell  take  it 
to  pieces  an  cart  it  away.  So  they  saved  Coblence 
by  goin  around  it. 

That  night  we  stuck  the  horses  and  guns  in  the 
front  yard  of  a  Chatto.  It  looked  more  like  Cen- 
tral Park  to  me.  The  fello  that  owned  the  place 
was  standin  at  the  gate  when  we  came  in.  He 
had  on  a  green  felt  hat  with  the  edges  curled  up 
like  a  derby  an  a  feather  stuck  in  it.  I  wouldnt 
have  been  surprised  if  bed  started  to  yodel.  I 
bet  he  was  as  glad  to  see  us  as  the  meesels.     A 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  319 

regiment   of   field   artllery   walkin   around   your 
front  yard  aint  no  grass  cultivator. 

This  isnt  a  bad  place  to  lay  over  for  a  day  tho. 
The  town  is  built  round  a  big  cliff.  On  top  is  the 
ruins  of  an  old  cassel.  Some  of  the  town  tried 
to  clime  up  the  side  of  the  cliff  an  got  stuck,  half 
way.  In  the  house  where  Im  bilited  the  front 
door  is  where  it  ought  to  be  an  the  back  door 
opens  onto  the  street  from  the  third  floor.  I  can 
hear  your  mother  sayin,  "Run  up  in  the  attik,  Ma- 
ble,  an  see  who  that  is  knockin  at  the  back  door." 

Theres  a  little  stream  runnin  thru  the  town.  Its 
very  beautiful  an  full  of  tin  cans.  The  sides  are 
all  bricked  up.  The  Fritzes  would  make  the  trees 
grow  square  if  they  could.  The  hills  go  straight 
up  all  around  us.  I  dont  know  how  the  stream  ever 
got  in  here  or  how  were  goin  to  get  out.  It  cer- 
tinly  is  a  useful  place  for  artilery.  About  the 
only  thing  you  could  shoot  out  of  here  would  be 
a  skyrocket. 

They  told  us  we  was  goin  to  have  yesterday  to 
ourselves.  Then  the  last  minit  they  made  us  all 
take  a  bath.  In  the  army  they  dont  give  you 
credit  for  knowin  how  or  when  to  take  a  bath. 
They  have  a  corperal  there  to  show  you.  The 
one  they  had  on  the  job  yesterday  must  have 
learned  from  a  correspondence  school. 

You  dont  get  into  a  bath  here.  You  take  it  out 
of  something  an  spread  it  over  you.  This  time 
theyd  heated  a  big  kettle  of  water  in  a  wood  shed. 


320  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

You  dipped  out  a  pailful  an  put  some  of  It  over 
you  an  the  rest  over  your  close.  Just  about  the 
time  youve  got  a  good  lather  worked  up  the  cor- 
peral  says  "Come  on.  Hurry  up  an  get  your 
close  on.  Your  eight  minits  Is  up."  Ford  ought 
to  get  hold  of  that  fello.  Hed  have  them  poppin 
out  of  the  factory  like  corn  out  of  a  roaster. 

I  didnt  get  a  bath,  but  I  didnt  need  one.  Me 
an  Angus  both  took  one  the  day  after  the  armis- 
tice was  signed.  There  aint  nothin  thatU  keep  a 
man  fit  like  keepin  clean  as  the  poets  say. 

Everyones  sore  at  these  Dutchmen.  They 
havnt  got  as  much  spirit  as  a  bottle  of  near  beer. 
All  they  do  Is  take  off  there  hats  to  us  like  we 
was  a  bunch  of  ladies  an  say  "Tag."  I  thought 
first  they  was  sayin  "Dog."  I  went  to  the  Captin 
an  ast  him  If  I  could  clean  up  with  the  next  fello 
that  said  It. 

The  Captin  said  Tag  was  just  Fritz  for  How- 
dy. Then  I  ast  him  if  I  could  clean  up  half  ^ 
dozen  of  them  anyway  just  to  get  them  started 
on  the  right  lines.  He  says  "Smith,  If  you  try 
any  of  your  back  alley  sanitashun  around  here 
youU  be  cleanin  up  around  the  gard  house  as 
quick  as  we  get  one."  He  thinks  hes  awful  funny. 
Thats  the  way  it  goes,  tho,  Mable.  One  day  your 
a  quitter  If  you  dont  throw  everything  but  the 
kitchin  stove  at  a  fello  and  the  next  day  they  want 
you  to  kiss  him. 

Im  sendin  you  a  lot  of  post  cards  I  paid  eighty 


THEY  TAKE  OFF  THERE  HATS  TO  US 


322  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

two  fennigs  for.  I  dont  know  wether  that  was  a 
bargin  or  a  fortune.  I  never  seen  any  places  like 
these  but  they  give  you  a  good  idear  of  the  coun- 
try. I  got  to  quit  now  cause  there  linin  up  for 
mess.  If  I  ever  get  out  of  this  army  I  wont  stand 
in  line  agen  if  they  was  handin  out  five  dollar 
bills.  If  you  want  to  go  to  the  movies  with  me 
you  got  to  go  early  an  avoid  the  rush. 

Tell  Archie  Wainwright  I  wish  him  a  merry 
Crismus  cause  its  liable  to  be  his  last.  His  only 
chance  for  a  happy  New  Year  is  if  the  war  breaks 
out  agen. 

Until  it  does  yours 

Bill 

Dere  Mahle: 

Weve  quit  hikin  at  last.  Not  because  we  get 
anyplace  tho.  Why  they  stopped  here  when  there 
is  a  road  goin  right  thru  is  more  than  I  can  fig- 
ger,  Theres  about  fifty  houses  in  this  place.  I 
guess  most  of  them  was  built  as  soon  as  the  flood 
was  dried  out  enuff  sos  they  could  lay  the  founda- 
shuns.  I  havnt  seen  a  new  house  since  I  been  in 
Germany.  A  place  that  wed  be  puttin  bronze 
tablets  on  they  think  has  just  been  built. 

They  seem  to  be  short  on  everything  over  here. 
From  what  I  seen  they  live  mostly  on  potadoes. 
The  only  thing  they  get  enuff  of  is  mud.  Our 
guns  is  parked  in  a  field  an  if  we  stay  here  much 
longer  well  have  to  blast  to  get  them  out. 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  323 

The  Captin  says  the  rules  on  letter  ritin  is  off 
an  we  can  say  where  we  are.  The  only  thing  we 
cant  do  is  criticize  the  army.  I  dont  know  where 
we  are  an  I  couldnt  spell  it  anyhow  so  theres  not 
much  to  rite  about. 

We  sleep  in  rooms  now  insted  of  barns.  The 
Dutch  dont  seem  to  care  much.  I  can  hear  your 
mother  if  four  tramps  came  walkin  into  her  front 
parlor  an  went  to  sleep  on  the  floor.  The  old 
fello  that  owns  the  room  thinks  were  crazy  be- 
cause we  have  to  open  our  windos  every  night. 
He  told  Joe  Bush  there  wasnt  any  use  makin  a 
fire  for  us  cause  when  he  spent  the  whole  evenin 
gettin  the  room  full  of  heat  wed  open  the  windo 
an  let  it  all  out.  When  we  first  got  into  that  room 
I  guess  it  had  the  original  heat  his  granfather 
put  in  it. 

Crismus  is  only  a  few  days  away.  I  suppose 
theyll  let  us  sleep  half  an  hour  extra  for  a  Crismus 
present  an  then  forget  to  tell  the  buglers  like  they 
did  last  year.  About  all  it  amounted  to  was 
standin  around  In  the  rain  half  an  hour  longer  for 
mess. 

I  havnt  had  my  feet  under  a  table  now  in  four 
months.  Theyve  gotten  so  big  since  I  been  wearin 
these  army  shoes  that  I  dont  know  if  theyll  go 
under  any  more.  When  I  get  home  111  probably 
pile  my  whole  dinner  in  a  soup  plate  an  take  it 
out  in  the  back  yard. 


324  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

All  feelln  aside,  Mable,  It  certinly  will  be  good 
to  get  my  food  seperated  agen.  These  fellos 
would  pour  your  coffee  over  your  dinner  if  there 
was  any  room.  When  you  come  up  to  the  kitchin 
the  first  K.P.  sticks  a  piece  of  meat  In  the  bottom 
of  your  mess  kit.  Thats  a  sort  of  a  foundashun. 
Then  a  spoonful  of  loose  potadoes  hit  it  like  a 
soft  nose  bullet  an  thats  the  last  you  see  of  your 
meat.  The  next  fello  covers  that  with  a  quart  of 
gravy  an  sticks  a  pickle  in  the  top  with  his  thum 
like  inlaid  work.  The  last  one  levels  it  off  with 
a  piece  of  bread  slammed  on  like  a  cover.  Angus 
says  its  a  wise  man  that  knows  his  own  dinner  un- 
less hes  got  a  good  memory. 

Ive  learned  to  put  down  an  awful  lot  of  food, 
tho,  in  less  time  than  it  takes  to  chew  it.  You 
got  to  be  fast  if  you  want  any  seconds.  Some  of 
these  fellos  must  store  up  there  food  like  squir- 
rels cause  there  finished  an  back  in  the  line  before 
its  moved  ten  places.  Theres  always  some  smart 
alex  that  washes  up  his  mess  kit  an  pretends  hes 
just  come  up  from  the  picket  line.  We  got  a 
mess  sargent  tho  that  makes  Shylock  Homes  look 
like  a  night  watchman.  He  could  tell  yesterdays 
greece  from  todays  if  you  scoured  your  mess  kit 
with  sandpaper. 

The  Fritzes  are  more  balled  up  on  there  money 
than  the  French.  These  fellos  dont  even  know 
what  the  stuffs  worth  themselves.  They  have  two 
kinds  of  money,  fennigs  an  marks.     I  dont  know 


LEVELS  IT  OFF  WITH  A  PIECE   OF   BREAD 


326  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

wether  marks  make  fennigs  or  fennlgs  make 
marks.  I  know  they  both  make  me  tired.  Its 
about  as  easy  to  buy  anything  here  as  it  Is  to 
check  up  a  Chinese  lawndry  bill.  They  tell  you 
the  price  of  a  thing  in  fennigs  an  marks.  Then 
you  got  to  figger  that  into  franks  an  figger  what 
its  all  worth  in  United  States.  Just  to  give  your 
mind  a  little  exercise  fennigs  an  marks  aint  the 
same  more  than  five  minites.  Everybody  has 
there  own  idear  of  what  there  worth  an  the  fello 
thats  doin  the  sellin  never  has  the  same  idear  that 
you  have. 

The  first  time  I  bought  a  glass  of  beer  in  Ger- 
many it  took  me  so  long  to  pay  for  it  I  almost 
got  arrested  for  bein  out  after  taps.  We  never 
did  decide  the  thing.  The  reason  none  of  these 
fellos  over  here  never  get  spiffed  is  because  they 
make  you  pay  after  every  drink.  Youd  be  more 
likely  to  die  of  thirst. 

I  havnt  received  no  Crismus  box  yet.  Im  glad 
you  an  your  mother  did  as  I  told  you  an  didnt  pay 
any  atenshun  to  those  slips  I  sent  you  for  curiosi- 
ties. If  thered  been  any  chance  of  sendin  you  any- 
thing Id  have  done  it.  You  dont  want  to  feel  bad 
about  that  tho,  cause  this  idear  of  looking  at  Cris- 
mus like  a  horse  swap  is  all  wrong.  I  certinly 
hope  you  have  a  merry  Crismus.  Youll  probably 
get  this  letter  sometime  in  August. 

Yours  optimistically 

Bill 


"SAME  OLD  BILL.  EH  MABLEI"  327 

Dere  Mable: 

Another  Crlsmus  an  New  Years  has  gone  by. 
I  wonder  where  theyll  pick  out  for  me  to  spend  my 
next  one.  I  wish  I  could  get  hold  of  a  geografy 
an  see  what  places  are  left.  One  of  these  days 
I  may  be  able  to  get  a  furlo  for  Crismus  if  we 
happen  to  be  fightin  some  country  right  near 
home.  Then  I  can  tell  you  how  all  the  different 
nashuns  spend  there  holidays. 

I  knew  thered  be  some  string  on  sleepin  late 
Crlsmus  mornln.  The  day  before  there  was  a 
couple  of  fellos  late  to  revelry.  They  were  fellos 
whod  never  done  any  work  anyway  so  I  couldnt 
see  how  it  mattered  much.  The  Captin  said  hed 
been  plannin  on  lettin  us  sleep  till  seven  o'clock 
Crlsmus  but  if  we  couldnt  learn  to  make  revelry 
wed  have  to  keep  on  practisin  gettin  up  at  six.  It 
seems  to  me  if  a  fello  dont  know  how  to  do  that 
now  he  never  will.  If  I  get  up  at  six  the  first 
Crismus  I  spend  home  Itll  be  six  in  the  evening 
you  can  bet. 

Crismus  mornin  they  lined  us  all  up  an  gave 
each  fello  a  little  box  marked  "Greetins  from  the 
Folks  at  Home."  Only  they  didnt  say  whose 
folks.  Inside  there  was  some  tobacco  an  cigarets 
an  chockolate  an  the  like.  Angus  thinks  theres 
something  foney  about  it  somewhere.  He  says 
like  as  not  theyll  take  it  out  of  our  next  pay  roll  or 
our  A  Lot  Meants.    Angus  would  think  you  had 


328  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

some  axe  to  grind  If  you  pulled  him  out  of  a  bum- 
in  buildln. 

We  didnt  have  nothin  to  do  Crlsmus  but  take 
care  of  the  horses  an  "the  usual  pollcln."  That 
left  me  with  almost  an  hour  in  the  middle  of  the 
day  without  anything  to  do.  I  was  goin  to  rite 
you  a  letter  but  I  felt  kind  of  drowsy.  Ever  since 
I  been  In  the  army  Ive  said  that  my  first  duty  was 
to  keep  fit  so  I  went  to  sleep  insted.  Patriotic. 
Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

The  reasen  I  got  a  chance  to  rite  this  letter  is 
because  some  horse  stepped  on  my  foot  the  other 
day  an  I  cant  walk.  It  wasnt  any  accident.  That 
horse  an  me  never  got  along.  Hes  been  layln  for 
me  ever  since  I  brushed  his  teeth  with  a  curry 
brush.  The  more  I  see  of  horses  the  more  I  want 
to  meet  the  fello  that  wrote  Black  Buty.  He  must 
have  learned  about  horses  in  a  carpenter  shop. 
Im  goin  to  rite  a  book  about  them  when  I  get 
home  that  will  put  the  S.  P.  C.  A.  out  of  business. 
I  got  to  stop  ritin  now  an  answer  sick  call  with 
my  foot.  Yesterday  they  gave  me  some  pills.  I 
suppose  today  theyll  look  at  my  tongue  an  tell  me 
its  my  stummick  thats  out  of  order. 

Well,  Mable,  I  havnt  had  so  much  as  a  pictur 
post  card  from  you  in  two  weeks.  I  hope  that 
fello  Archie  Wainwright  aint  botherin  you  agen 
cause  our  hospittles  is  crowded  enuff  now.  Im 
still  a  gentleman  but  if  I  ever  catch  him  moldin 
your  hammick  around  his  figger — well,  Mable,  Id 


Bill    Bi-ccK 


^  q? 


"they  lined  us  all  up" 


330  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

talk  it  over  with  him  cause  I  seen  enuff  blood  shed 
already. 

yours  doubtfully  till  I  hear 

Bill 

Dere  Mable: 

I  got  the  first  real  news  for  you  Ive  had  since  I 
joined  the  army.  Were  comin  home  toot  sweet. 
Theres  an  outfit  on  its  way  up  here  now  to  relieve 
us.  It  certinly  will  relieve  me.  Just  a  couple  of 
weeks  longer  an  then  no  more  square  heads,  no 
more  flannel  bandages  around  my  legs,  no  more 
engins  without  cowcatchers.  It  wont  seem  right 
at  first.  I  expect  111  feel  like  I  was  A.W.O.L.  an 
run  around  the  corner  every  time  I  see  a  police- 
man. Theres  one  man  they  neednt  be  afraid  of 
ever  startin  any  more  wars  an  his  names  Smith. 
If  I  ever  have  a  son  an  he  so  much  as  starts  off 
with  his  left  foot  hes  goin  to  have  the  worst  lickin 
you  ever  heard  of. 

A  General  inspected  us  today.  I  cant  help  feel- 
in  sorry  for  his  wife.  She  must  spend  most  of  her 
time  lookin  for  a  new  hired  girl.  If  he  ever  said 
anything  nice  to  anybody  I  bet  hed  come  back  an 
apologize.  Hes  the  kind  of  a  fello  that  eats 
his  own  young. 

Everybody  knew  the  General  wasnt  comin  over 
to  hang  no  wreaths  around  nobodies  neck.  So 
we  all  slicked  up  pretty  well  to  humor  him. 

Everything  would  have  gone  off  as  well  as  you 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  33  r 

could  have  expected  If  it  hadnt  been  for  that  horse. 
A  jokes  all  right  in  its  place  but  its  place  aint  un- 
der a  General.  The  horse  was  so  big  that  the 
General  like  to  have  bust  gettin  up.  As  soon  as 
he  got  set  the  horse  took  a  couple  of  steps.  Then 
he  sat  down  in  the  mud  like  a  dog  an  let  out  a 
groan. 

Of  course  it  was  all  off  then.  By  the  time  hed 
coaxed  that  horse  up  to  the  battery  he  was  so 
sore  hed  have  found  rust  on  the  perly  gates  an  put 
Saint  Peter  under  arrest  for  not  bein  shaved. 

When  he  got  around  to  my  seckshun  I  thought 
he  was  about  due  to  be  out  of  breath.  I  had  a 
little  rip  in  my  pants  that  I  hadnt  had  time  to  sew 
up.  Nothing  anybodied  notice.  Just  my  knee 
stickin  thru.  That  fello  could  see  a  hole  in  your 
undershirt  tho.  When  he  came  up  to  me  he  looked 
me  over  like  I  was  a  windo  dummy  that  he  didnt 
care  much  about.  Then  he  says  to  the  Captin 
"What  do  you  mean  by  lettin  a  man  stand  in- 
speckshun  like  that?" 

The  Captin  looked  at  me  surprised  like  hed 
never  seen  me  before.  Then  he  turns  to  the  sar- 
gent  an  says  "Sargent,  I  want  a  report  on  why 
was  that  man  permitted  to  stand  inspeckshun  in 
that  condishun."  They  all  talk  as  if  they  were 
doin  me  a  favor  by  lettin  me  stand  inspeckshun. 
Ill  tell  the  world  I  didnt  go  around  an  ask  no- 
bodies permlshun. 

The  sargent  looked  at  my  pants  kind  of  hurt 


332  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  ^L\BLEI" 

like  I  hadnt  ast  for  a  new  pair  thirty  seven  times. 
After  the  General  had  put  the  whole  battery  un- 
der arrest  an  rode  away  to  get  some  raw  meat  he 
sighed  like  a  fello  that  ever>'bodies  agenst.  Then 
he  turns  to  the  corperal  an  says  "What  the  this 
an  that  do  you  mean  by  gettin  me  in  Dutch,  you 
big  space  filler?" 

So  the  corperal  stuck  me  on  detail  manacurin 
the  streets  for  a  couple  of  days.  About  all  there 
is  left  for  me  is  to  go  around  an  kick  a  few  horses 
in  the  stummick  after  dark. 

The  funny  part  about  it  is  that  everybody  knew 
there  hadnt  been  no  pants  ishued  since  we  got 
here.  Half  the  fellos  in  the  battery  is  comin  thru 
in  places  the  General  couldnt  sec  because  he  was 
mounted.  That  dont  make  no  difference.  A  fel- 
los knees  aint  got  no  rights  in  this  mans  army.  I 
wish  I  was  a  Lady  from  Hell  an  I  wouldnt  have 
to  bother  about  pants.  Thats  tecknickle,  Mable. 
I  dont  guess  youU  get  it. 

They  call  this  passin  the  buck.  In  the  army  they 
got  it  fixed  up  so  that  nothin  aint  ever  nobodies 
fault.  Its  always  on  the  next  fello  down.  That 
works  out  pretty  good  unless  you  happen  to  be  on 
the  bottom  step  like  me.  I  dont  know  why  they 
call  it  passin  the  buck.  I  never  saw  it  pass  him 
yet. 

Your  Crismus  box  came  yesterday.  It  sure  was 
good  of  you  to  send  it  after  all  I  said.  At  least 
a  good  part  of  it  came  considerin  one  end  of  the 


'that  little  snub  nosed  thing  across  the  street' 


334  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

box  was  gone.  There  was  enuff  left  to  give  me 
an  idear  of  what  had  been  in  it.  The  only  rea- 
son that  any  of  it  got  here  was  because  theyd  set 
so  many  things  on  top  of  it  that  some  of  the  stuff 
got  kind  of  baled  an  stuck  to  the  insides. 

The  thing  that  struck  us  most  was  the  size  of 
the  box.  Whoever  got  that  up  must  have  thought 
that  the  folks  at  home  was  goin  to  send  us  jewel- 
rey  for  Crismus.  I  didnt  care  cause  I  knew  it 
wasnt  your  fait.  Joe  took  it  kind  of  hard  tho 
cause  he  forgot  to  send  any  slips  home  an  he  was 
kind  of  countin  on  me. 

I  got  six  letters  from  you  all  at  once  a  couple 
of  days  ago.  You  must  carry  them  around  in 
your  pocket  a  week  or  two  like  I  do  when  anybody 
gives  me  a  bunch  to  mail.  I  didnt  care  about  any- 
thing tho  when  I  read  that  Archie  Wainwright 
had  gone  an  married  that  little  snub  nosed  thing 
across  the  street.  I  guess  he  must  have  been 
tipped  off  that  nobodied  given  him  the  freedom  of 
the  city.  Some  reason  or  other  tho  I  feel  madder 
at  him  than  I  did  before.  I  guess  theres  got  to 
be  a  casulty  when  I  get  home  anyway. 

I  aint  goin  to  rite  any  more  cause  the  sargent 
ast  me  to  help  him  out  this  afternoon  cleanin  the 
guns.  I  dont  like  to  leave  him  to  do  it  all  alone 
when  were  so  near  the  finish.  Tell  the  good  news 
to  your  father  an  mother. 

Yours  on  the  home  stretch 

Bill 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI"  335 
Dere  Mable: 

Here  I  am  ritin  you  at  the  govermlnts  expense 
for  the  last  time.  Were  in  the  same  place  where 
we  first  rested  almost  a  year  ago.  It  hasnt 
changed  much  except  theyve  gotten  in  more  mud 
an  tents  since  then  an  there  aint  so  many  boats  to 
unpack. 

Weve  turned  in  our  Soizant  Canses  to  some 
monument  factory.  Weve  said  good  by  to  our 
horses  for  ever.  The  last  thing  one  of  them  did 
was  to  try  an  kick  me  as  I  went  past.  Thats 
there  idea  of  gratitude.  Now  we  got  less  to  do 
than  the  doboys  cause  we  havnt  even  got  rifles 
to  clean.  This  is  the  last  letter  youll  ever  get 
from  me  in  France.  If  I  have  my  say  about  it  its 
the  last  letter  youll  ever  get  from  me  anywhere. 
I  never  want  to  get  out  of  telefone  range  agen. 
Our  boat  is  all  ready.  This  will  probably  travel 
over  on  the  same  boat  with  me.  I  wanted  to  rite 
you  from  the  A.E.F.  for  the  last  time.  An  by 
the  way,  Mable,  that  dont  mean  Am  Expectin 
Flowers  but  Am  Extremely  Fortunate. 

There  aint  much  to  say  just  like  there  aint  much 
to  do.  I  feel  awful  funny.  I  cant  exactly  explain 
it.  Of  course  I  want  to  go  home.  Thats  all  Ive 
wanted  to  do  since  November.  At  the  same  time 
I  feel  kind  of  sad  like  you  do  when  your  comin 
back  to  work  from  your  summer  vacashun.  We 
been  in  the  old  army  so  long,  an  weve  done  the 
same  things  an  cussed  at  them  so  many  times,  that 


336  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLEI" 

you  get  sort  of  fond  of  the  whole  business  just 
like  you  do  any  job  that  takes  an  awful  long  time 
an  a  lot  of  hard  work  to  finish,  but  that  youve  fin- 
ished. I  guess  you  could  get  sentimental  about 
piece  work  in  a  factory — after  youd  quit. 

I  never  thought  when  I  sat  here  in  the  mud  last 
May  an  rote  you  how  Id  escaped  from  the  pearls 
of  the  sea,  as  the  poets  say,  that  Id  ever  sit  here 
agen  an  rite  you  that  I  was  comin  home.  I  never 
menshuned  this  of  course  for  fear  it  would  worry 
you.  Now  that  its  all  over  tho  its  all  right  to  talk 
about  it.  It  wasnt  that  I  was  scared  cause  I  guess 
you  know  that  I  was  never  scared  of  nothin. 
Nerveless.  Thats  me  all  over,  Mable.  But  I 
used  to  think  of  how  hard  youd  take  it  when  you 
saw  it  in  the  papers,  an  how  people  would  come 
an  look  at  your  house  an  shake  there  heads  an 
walk  away.  Some  of  them  would  pull  out  a  lace 
hankercheff  out  of  there  neck  or  sleeve  or  wher- 
ever you  carry  those  things.  Theyd  touch  up  there 
eyes  a  bit  an  say  "I  knew  him  well,"  wether  they 
did  or  not. 

You  know,  Mable,  that  once  or  twice  when  I 
get  lyin  awake  at  night  thinkin  about  all  that  stuff 
I  came  pretty  near  cryin  myself  it  struck  me  as  so 
sad.  The  one  I  liked  to  think  of  best  tho  was  the 
minister  sayin  a  few  butiful  words  about  me  Sun- 
day. All  the  people  was  turnin  around  to  look 
at  you.    You  were  cryin  quiet  like  an  your  mother 


'IM   GOING  TO   BE  JUST  PLAIN   MR.    lill-I,  SMITH 


338  "SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!" 

was  tryin  to  keep  the  tears  from  spottin  the  red 
Moroko  himnal. 

An  here  I  am  safe  an  sound  without  even  a 
wound  stripe.  I  feel  the  same  way  that  I  did 
when  I  came  across  on  the  boat  without  getting 
sunk.  It  aint  fair  to  you  somehow  or  other.  I 
kind  of  cheated  somehow,  tho  for  the  life  of  me 
I  cant  figer  how.  It  makes  me  into  a  sort  of  a 
third  class  crook  but  Im  glad  to  be  one. 

Theres  been  an  awful  lot  of  talk  In  the  papers 
an  magazines  about  how  were  comin  home 
changed  men.  I  dont  believe  your  goin  to  have 
any  trouble  recognlzin  me,  Mable.  Perhaps  Ive 
gotten  a  little  stouter.  Thats  about  all.  Even 
the  Captin,  whose  been  with  me  ever  since  we 
started,  was  sayin  to  me  the  other  day  "Smith,  I 
cant  see  any  difference  In  you  since  the  first  day 
you  came  Into  the  army." 

I  got  thinkin  the  other  night  what  a  lot  of  good 
yarns  I  had  to  spin  when  I  got  home.  I  was  plan- 
nln  on  how  people  would  probably  ask  me 
around  to  dinner  sos  I  could  amuse  em  with  stories 
about  the  war.  I  happened  to  menshun  It  to  An- 
gus an  he  says  yes  an  there  was  about  two  mllyun 
others  plannin  the  same  thing.  He  says  the  stuff 
about  the  folks  that  stay  at  home  sufferin  the  most 
was  never  truer  than  It  Is  just  now. 

So  Ive  just  sworn  off  talkin  war  when  I  get 
home.  I  aInt  never  goin  to  get  like  that  fello 
down  In  Henrys  barber  shop  that  just  sits  around 


"SAME  OLD  BILL,  EH  MABLE!"  339 

all  day  tryin  to  get  somebody  to  llssen  to  the  Bat- 
tle of  Gethisburg. 

I  may  have  speshul  occashuns  when  I  let  loose. 
Like  once  in  a  while  when  were  sittin  alone  eve- 
nins  in  the  little  house  with  the  green  blinds  that 
aint  built  yet.  Then  111  get  out  the  helmet  that 
belonged  to  the  red  headed  Fritz  an  the  looger 
pistel  an  the  irun  crosses.  Ill  tell  you  how  the  big 
ones  sounded  when  they  went  over  the  dug-out. 
Ill  show  you  how  Fritz  says  Kamarad.  Ill  tell 
you  about  bilets  an  mud  an  Top  sargents  an 
whiz  bangs.  Perhaps  once  a  year,  say  Crismus 
or  something,  111  tell  about  goin  over  the  top.  I 
got  to  get  that  out  of  my  sistem  once  in  a  while. 

The  rest  of  the  time  Im  goin  to  be  just  plain 
Mr.  Bill  Smith,  docter  or  brick  layer  or  lawyer  or 
street  car  conductor — anything  in  fact  that  hasnt 
got  any  horses  connected  with  it. 

So  good  by  for  a  while.  The  next  time  you 
here  from  me  itU  be  the  scrapin  of  my  hobnails 
on  the  front  stoop.  Then  look  out.  Impulsive. 
Thats  me  all  over,  Mable. 

Bill 


THE  END 


THE  LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

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